"Evac"

Captain Pierce

Captain Pierce

Veteran
Private, the brass would call what you just did a “tactical error.” Civilians would call it a “mistake.” I call it a grade-A f***up.
Click to expand...
This is about 95% done, so I'm going to go ahead and commit myself to entering it. :) It's a completely different idea from the one I mentioned in the "Progress" thread, started only last Thursday.

And I just realized after posting this and looking at my sig, that I am now 2 for 2 with Scriptfest titles that start with "E." I don't even like the letter "e..." :D

Read it here: http://www.dvxfest.com/host_mirror/scriptfestII/entries/Evac_CaptainPierce.pdf
 
Last edited:
Alex - great quote in your sig. :D And not a bad theory about the "e's," at that...

Conlan - OK, I promise this is the last time I bring this up--but this script features, if not a giant handgun, at least a very specific one. :) I'll stop now.
 
Captain Pierce said:
This is about 95% done, so I'm going to go ahead and commit myself to entering it. :) It's a completely different idea from the one I mentioned in the "Progress" thread, started only last Thursday.

And I just realized after posting this and looking at my sig, that I am now 2 for 2 with Scriptfest titles that start with "E." I don't even like the letter "e..." :D
Click to expand...


"E" sucks so bad, that even schools refuse to award it on report cards. They feel that in the scheme of a 26-letter alphabet, it falls somewhere between "X" and "Splunge"

True story!


And....Is your Avatar the FIREFOX poster?
 
Captain- great action short script! Just the way I like it! Guns and guns and more guns!
Who cares about the person gun down!
 
Last edited:
This is one of my favorites so far. Great use of the time allowed, great story, good dialog, and a good ending.

The only thing I'd suggest is towards the end, write in more scenes of the aliens actually on their trail. It will make it seem more realistic in his actions at the end.

Great job!
 
Hey Captain, I love it...large assault rifles and handguns, not giant, but large is still pretty sweet.

I liked this a lot. A very exciting action piece. I liked how the opening and closing scenes play off each other.

One super tiny nitpick, when the Seargent is dismissing Phillips, he says it like it's a suggestion and not a command, which seems out of character.

The end really worked for me. I really liked the V.O. at the end and the visual you created as the ship was flying away from him. Great stuff!

Really entertaining and well written script.
 
Thanks to all who have read so far. :)

Conlan, I see what you mean about the Sarge. The idea was that, when Johnson makes the point about never leaving a man behind, it "humanizes" him a little, but I made some changes to this section at pretty much the last minute and looking back, he never really snaps back into full-on sergeant mode like he probably should. Then again, it's hard to take him there when he's saddled with that much expostion... (We're practically to "Austin Powers" territory with him--"Hello, Sergeant Exposition, what's the story?" :D )
 
I have a few issues with this one. I guess most disturbing was I kept seeing Arnold!

The biggest hole for me was not knowing what the Faniki were really after other than to pick the brains of important people. For what kind of information? Important in what way?

And ... what are the consequenses if they fail?

This finished out at 51/2 pages. I would have liked to have seen a much differnt scenario ...

Phillips and Johnson are both briefed about the dead brain concern. When crap hits the fan and Johnson goes down, I'd like to see Philips faced with having to make the head shot. They both knw it needs to be done. That could make for some intense and emotional drama.

Which brings up another question ...

I thought the Faniki were intersted in mining the brains of important people. Is Johnson considered important enough?

If you want to get Ghandi, we are all important, but I sense your story is about some kind of secret, or people with high IQs.

I guess my last issue is that this had an 80s commando movie feel to it. That's not a bad thing concept-wise, but it robs this of a fresh take.

Techie-wise some of your action blocks were on the heavy side.

alex
 
The Faniki are out to pick the brains of anyone they can. I came up with more about them than I originally intended, and most of it wasn't relevant to this script (and even if it had been, length limitations and the desire to keep them mysterious probably would have kept it out anyway), but they are definitely picking brains all over. In terms of this script, what the Marines are trying to do is protect the people that the humans consider important, high officials in planetary governments who would have information about defense plans, high-tech research, and stuff like that. In the training scenario presented first, the "real" Faniki would have gone straight for the downed civilian--but the idea of the training scenario was to put the fear of God into the recruits, hence he gets threatened with the mind-reading and getting his throat cut afterwards. Now, in the "real"section, Johnson is now important because he knows the coordinates of the evac point, and since Phillips and the civilian are still at large, he is definitely going to get scanned.

Good idea about one of them having to make the shot on the other, never thought of that. :) In that scenario, I would have put Johnson in the shooter role to illustrate him learning from the mistake in training.

Thanks for reading. :)
 
I'm a big fan of good stories and entertainment. For me you rocked them both.

A well constructed and entertaining story. Not too complex and not attempting to be too intelligent or contrived. Just a with short story that fashioned itself on good old entertainment. A traditionally structured narrative that works.

Love the military lingo and scenario, spot on with every aspect of this (and I have researched it to death of a feature of mine).

If I was to complain it would some of the descriptions/action is a little wordy in places along with some of the dialogue, but to be fair I hate nit picking when you tell a good story and this is the point really. You’re a story teller; the mistakes are the job of the proof reader. Also avoid the use of we and the last sentence appears unfinished.... but what the hell, I enjoyed it anyway and feeling more interested in story than correct sentence structure....................................................

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. My first perfect 10 of this fest...

Well done and good luck with it.
 
Nice ending, although I don't see how anyone would volunteer for a suicide mission. Literally. Just a nitpick- no one salutes a sarge. Good story. I found giving away the fact that the first scene is fake kind of pulled me out of the story for a minute. I don't know what proper procedure for writing something like that is. Other than that it was an entertaining story.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top