SHORT: Double date - opinions are welcome

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David Evans

Well-known member
Hi guys!

Just finished a new short and really wanted to get some opinions. It was independent filmmaking, no budget and a lot of talented people generous enough to work with me.


Here's the link:

http://youtu.be/knaLfrHADbY

please watch in hd. Thanks!
 
I'll leave comments from one pass through...it's too long and unsettling to watch twice, and I don't necessarily mean that as a bad thing.

Strong: concept, writing, acting.
Weak: Lighting, angles, length.

-Really enjoyed the actors. I think on a higher budget version, these two actors could still be perfect.
-Lighting/color felt harsh and all over the map.
-Wobble cam is too much at points, see the cereal shot at 1:14. I like the stylized shots of his walk out of bed and onto the bus. These make sense.
-I've made this comment elsewhere: the voiceover should sound like the character, rather than voice-of-god. This voice sounds nothing like what I'd expect this actor to sound like; the effect is to weaken the perception of internal conflict.
-Eyelines at the dinner table diminish the intimacy/danger IMO.
-I think this story can be effectively delivered in half the screen time, with your existing material.

All in all, nice work!
 
Thanks for your comments! Just wanted to ask you two things:

1 - Do you feel light and colour are off all over the short or on specific parts?
2 - About the voice over. I understand what you're saying and it's probably very strange to hear that voice coming from that character. But, the fact is, that the voice is not really "his" inner voice, but a schizophrenic, external entity kind of voice. Do you think it could work better if we had the actor's own voice? Maybe that's something I could still try to do.

Thanks!
 
I'll have to click through again at home to decisively answer the color question. Another thing that occurs to me at the moment is that the girl's reactions to his bizarre behavior should be as normal/rational as possible as far as emotion, timing. Right now it's off, and I think it can be edited to solve this.

Yes on the voiceover! If you can redo it in his own voice with a hint of conflict as opposed to Satan berating him, I think it would be a brilliant effect.

If you're open to retooling it, I'd recommend getting Old Corpse's input if he'll give it. I think you have the potential for something really cool here.

EDIT: Ok, so I clicked through briefly again. The color just strikes me as a strange mix. Sometimes very literal, sometimes Hollywood blue/orange, sometimes blasted with a diffuse glow on the highlights. You know better what it is than I do, but less is more.

And on your edit...sometimes the timing is just ponderous and off. His dropping in on the two guys' conversation can be tightened up a lot, not least to hide the framing and eyeline issues there. (What the heck is that guy staring at? The other guy's shoulder?)

Also will add that the acting of the lesser players verges on bad. Tighter edit will help this.
 
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Thank you so much for taking the time to be so detailed in your answer! I'm actually doing a different cut because most festivals only take shorts up to 15min, so the office scene will suffer a huge cut. Definitly agree with you on the teal/orange thing. Will try to redo some of those shots, but I guess the dinner sequence should have a different "aspect". There are clearly two different parts to the film, a first more opressive sequence and the dinner, which is supposed to be lighter. I will try to put up a more coherent look throught out all of the first part and then leave the dinner part as is (I think aesthetically is really nice). The diffused highlights are there especially at the beginning to give a certain feel of disorientation, as someone who just woke up and light still burns your eyes. I will try to reduce the effect and see the results.

Thank you!
 
I mean it looks like a lot of really great work went into this, but part of our learning is being able to hear hard facts:

so here goes (big deep breath): the moment it started with a guy waking up and clicking his alarm I clicked off. Its the biggest short film cliche in the book.

"the opening shot of a movie should be the most interesting thing a person has seen all day". -Kubrick

now maybe we cant all do that all the time, but I think part of being a filmmaker in this day and age of internet-clickery is knowing how to grab people right away.

my current project below--

no, its not genius. As a matter of fact its a few notches below yours in alot of ways. But I think the opening shots of s movie, and especially a short, has to say "something is going on here" (and no, not every story can start with a bang...there IS that...but in general...)

"the easiest way to improve a film is to burn the first reel" -- david mamet

"dont warm up your engines" - pulp writer jack bickham

Juno opens with the intriguing image and line "it started with a chair"...

open with a crisis/disaster/the conflict going down/something interesting happening. If you could do another edit and be ruthless with it, I'd do that.

just my two cents

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nATuuy6Xg-U&feature=youtu.be
 
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Thanks for watching. I guess I'm not a big short film viewer, so I'm not that familiar with short film clichés, but I absolutely agree that a first shot might be a winner. Anyway, I was trying to film a kind of dream shot, where the sun is rising, our character is dreaming, everything seems peaceful and ethereal, and all of a sudden, the alarm goes off and we're sucked into his horrifying blue and almost colorless world. I agree with you that it might not work well with internet clickery reality, but maybe it can create its own thing in other circuits, such as film festivals.

Love the quotes and the filmmakers you quoted.
 
well yeah, I apologize if I came off negative- like I said overall theres alot of great stuff going on, and every story cant start with a bang. I didnotice the creeping light which is a cool effect. You clearly achieved alot of your creative goals with it and that's what counts.

I mean I'm struggling to make something I deem un-embarrassing and watchable.

as far as short film cliches Ive done em all by accident, including the old "person goes for milk and the containers empty cause someone else used it for their cereal"
 
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