Doctor's News - Very shot Comedy script. ( REVIEW PLEASE )

Funny. A few things:
The doctor wouldn't say "quite frankly", because it's such a quick joke. You could drop the "and" before that, too, because then it sounds more like a long flow of all the grim details, rather than a real sentence. That could make it funnier. The "lots of physiotherapy" would be a lot more amusing if it were more specific -- remember, he's a doctor, he has to be specific otherwise Carl won't know what he has to pay. Try having the doctor estimate the amount of money and therapy, and make the therapy more drastic, like "about sixty-three thousand dollars for radical electro-shock therapy which she will be subjected to twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week". The doctor also wouldn't say ha-ha. He'd laugh, but he wouldn't say ha-ha. Carl quickly puts his head is incomplete, it should be something like Carl quickly raises his head. Finally, she's already dead isn't very comedic. It's somewhat melodramatic, as in something one would say in a horror movie, as in, "Kill her? That's where you've got it all wrong! You see, I don't have to kill her...She's already DEAD!". Maybe something more like "Yeah, don't worry, she died a couple days ago", or, if you want to take a different route "Don't worry, she died a couple days ago, but the (funeral/cremation) costs are covered by your insurance plan!".
Anyway, that's a nice script. I hope my comments helped.
 
bandoftheland said:
Funny. A few things:
The doctor wouldn't say "quite frankly", because it's such a quick joke. You could drop the "and" before that, too, because then it sounds more like a long flow of all the grim details, rather than a real sentence. That could make it funnier. The "lots of physiotherapy" would be a lot more amusing if it were more specific -- remember, he's a doctor, he has to be specific otherwise Carl won't know what he has to pay. Try having the doctor estimate the amount of money and therapy, and make the therapy more drastic, like "about sixty-three thousand dollars for radical electro-shock therapy which she will be subjected to twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week". The doctor also wouldn't say ha-ha. He'd laugh, but he wouldn't say ha-ha. Carl quickly puts his head is incomplete, it should be something like Carl quickly raises his head. Finally, she's already dead isn't very comedic. It's somewhat melodramatic, as in something one would say in a horror movie, as in, "Kill her? That's where you've got it all wrong! You see, I don't have to kill her...She's already DEAD!". Maybe something more like "Yeah, don't worry, she died a couple days ago", or, if you want to take a different route "Don't worry, she died a couple days ago, but the (funeral/cremation) costs are covered by your insurance plan!".
Anyway, that's a nice script. I hope my comments helped.
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thanks men, you were really helpfull, thanks for the pointers.
 
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