Deadly dangerous pursuit

seansshack

seansshack

Well-known member
"Deadly dangerous pursuit."

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Logline: Dave finds himself running for his life, but can't remember why.

 
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Your logline sounds intriguing. An action/comedy?

Wow, comedy seems like the hardest genre to write, I haven't even considered trying it yet.
Did you have that in mind or did comedy just evolve in the writing process?
 
Started as a bit of a "nod and a wink" type parody to...... (edited as giving too much away).

Started serious and as I got into it is seemed to call for a funny ending.

Not sure if it works 100%. Think it still needs a bit of spit and polish.
 
Hi Sean. This was a fun story with a humorous punchline. The pacing seemed a bit long, so that may be able to be tightened up. The punchline seemed a bit too familiar and done before. I assumed there was a logical reason for the man to be following Dave, but the whole "I'm the new boss" thing I feel has been done a lot already. Perhaps another polish to tighten up the pacing and punch up the gags and dialog could make this a stronger piece.

Just a few minor quibbles, but all in all, a good job.
 
I laughed when he jumped a fence and landed in a kiddie pool.

Dave says “jumping jesus on toast!” followed shortly by “jesus”. I think it would have been funnier if he starts out yelling “Jesus!” which progresses to “Jesus Christ” which progresses to “Jumping Jesus Christ on a ****ing cracker!” as sort of a running, evolving gag.

As soon as Dave kicked a “little dog” I found myself no longer rooting for him. This is one of the oldest character sympathy tricks in the book, only in this case, it's the inverse.

“He turns and starts to walk backwards” should be “He turns and starts to walk back the way he came”. Walking backwards is an entirely different thing.

When he confronts the Middle Aged Man and the Younger Man shows up, I was instantly intrigued thinking all of these people were different versions of Dave at different times in his life and I was waiting for the thing that tied it all together...with those expectations the ending was a disappointment to me.

Given that age ends up having nothing to do with anything, it’s strange that two of your characters are designated by it. Furthermore, I didn’t see why Younger Man needed to be in this at all. It would be more dramatic and funny if the situation and ensuing scuffle was between your two primary characters.
 
Thanks.

The idea is that the key scenes are a nod and wink to great movie chases (see if you can pick em out).

Hint. The kid at the start is the French connection.

The dog scene is a wink to Point Break - that goes horribly wrong. And I would imagine it would be instinct to kick a dog that just bit and peed on you (I do love dogs just buried my 14 year old pet). Was an attempt to make it slapstick.

The idea of the younger guy is that our hero drew this nut onto the person that was "following him" and causes him to get attacked (which is where the shoe and poster came in).

I wanted him to walk away from the mess. But the mess followed him because

"spoiler"

His new boss took the same route to work...

Thanks for reading.
 
Sean:

Enjoyed the script. I agree that Younger Man doesn't fit into this story. I kept looking for an explanation of why he thought Dave was following him as I read through to the end. If you cut that character, you would need a different method to separate Dave and Middle Aged Man after they have a confrontation (not to difficult to conceive such a device), so they can meet up again at work.

We get a hint that Dave's boss is unhappy with him, but I think it would have been better if it was clear right there that Dave was in for a world of pain from his new boss. The way it reads now I can't tell if the boss is joking or is serious, and liking to believe the best about people, I'm leaning towards the former.

I liked much of the dialog; I think some of it is quite witty and funny.

Didn't bother me at all that Dave kicked the dog. I don't think that kicking a dog is a good thing to do at all, but I found it appropriately humorous.

John
 
The young guy was my method to use a type of Monty python type scene - "who me, you are you" type of thing. + it starts a fight that causes the boss to get pissed(as he has been dragged into something unknown to himself). without the young guy and the fight it would have been an argument over nothing. Dave was acting strange and the younger guy would have seen this. So the young guy brings their fake conflict into a the real world, of which Dave walks away from (but it follows him to work and thus becomes his future - unless he gets a new job).

I tried to use the shoe as a symbol of his future woes (as it was used to kick the bosses ass) and he places it beside Dave at the end.

thanks for reading and commenting.
 
Signed copy of the script (wink) to anyone who can guess all the movie tributes contained in the short.

Just for fun for those film buffs out there...
 
Good job overall, but a few thoughts. I found the fight between the young man and the middle aged man a bit ... hmmm ... distasteful? Not quite the right word, but that part of the story was a little much for me and it seemed like the middle aged man would need some medical attention after that.

I think the sense of paranoia and accusation that Dave displays to the middle aged man would be enough to motivate a difficult meeting later in the story without needing him to walk away from an ongoing assault.

Regarding the younger man, here's an idea to push the irony of the final scene a bit. After Dave meets his new boss, what if the younger man shows up to interview for a new position in which Dave would be his boss? King of turns the irony around for Dave. This would explain why all three of them were heading in the same direction the whole time.
 
I guess I have to agree with the people who find the Younger Man largely unecessary and perhaps even distracting. The coincidence of Dave and his new boss taking the same route to work is understandable if (as the new boss says) they live in the same building, but I feel a third character taking enough of that same route to think that Dave is following him is pushing things; particularly considering that Dave is taking a few detours here and there, but keeps running into Middle Aged Man because Dave keeps returning to the optimum route to work.

And I'd agree with john labonney that it could be a little clearer at the end whether or not his new boss is going to forgive all this, or carry a grudge. I'd further agree with Ian Arroway that slowly ramping up the profanity level as things went along would be a nice running gag.

Filmed, with the various tributes properly played up, this could be a very fun piece to watch. :)
 
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