Nate Haustein
Well-known member
"Please don't close the curtain, Dad."
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Curtains for You
- Thread starter Nate Haustein
- Start date
Samantha Hazard
New member
The new logling is "Look behind the curtain and find yourself face to face with The Twilight Zone."
It's a short Twilight Zone ep
It's a short Twilight Zone ep
Russell Moore
Well-known member
This really felt like an old Twilight episode to me. I thought it was really well written and I liked the idea.
I just felt a little unsatisfied at the ending. I wanted him to have a chance at redemption. I agree he was being unreasonable with his son. But he had also been through hard times, so I thought him having to spend the rest of his life shut out was a little harsh.
I was hoping it this would be a lesson for him and open his eyes. But thats just me.
That said, I still enjoyed the script. I was along for the ride. I cared about the characters. I thought you did a good job of building the suspense.
I just felt a little unsatisfied at the ending. I wanted him to have a chance at redemption. I agree he was being unreasonable with his son. But he had also been through hard times, so I thought him having to spend the rest of his life shut out was a little harsh.
I was hoping it this would be a lesson for him and open his eyes. But thats just me.
That said, I still enjoyed the script. I was along for the ride. I cared about the characters. I thought you did a good job of building the suspense.
pauly_the_hitman
Veteran
I loved it. Nice job at capturing the old Twilight Zone feel. I also enjoyed the message it portrayed and how the story progressed and grew along the way. Overall great job.
Pauly
Pauly
Horncastle
Well-known member
A great job at catching the twighlight zone feel and well put together too. I agree with Conlanforever that maybe there could have been a little more payoff at the end, but overall I thought it worked well.
Jason
Jason
jamiejay
Well-known member
I used to watch the Twilight Zone all the time as a kid and I could totally see this as really being an episode. It had the right feel and the right sort of offbeat plot. I could even imagine the narrator's voice from the television show and the spooky music. Good job with that.
I found the dialogue between the father and son unnatural. "Your friends need to go to sleep, Ben. I’m closing them out" and "This is a new house and a new sky and new stars, they’re not going to take care of you, I promise" sound very unrealistic. I realize they set up the rest of the plot, but maybe there could have been a better way to do that??
Also, The use of (overlapping) was distracting to me. I thought it could have been left out and it would have flowed a little easier.
Finally, I had a hard time picturing the "blind shroud", but, of course, on film, that wouldn't be an issue.
It was a really unique concept and I even like the play on words with the title
I found the dialogue between the father and son unnatural. "Your friends need to go to sleep, Ben. I’m closing them out" and "This is a new house and a new sky and new stars, they’re not going to take care of you, I promise" sound very unrealistic. I realize they set up the rest of the plot, but maybe there could have been a better way to do that??
Also, The use of (overlapping) was distracting to me. I thought it could have been left out and it would have flowed a little easier.
Finally, I had a hard time picturing the "blind shroud", but, of course, on film, that wouldn't be an issue.
It was a really unique concept and I even like the play on words with the title
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MiataFilmSomething
Well-known member
Neat story! I'll add in also about the ending, not my most favorite part, but you are limited with time, so I understand .
You did a good job creating the tension and horror of a father losing his child. Very well written.
I also like your use of the curtain as a metaphor.
A fine job!
You did a good job creating the tension and horror of a father losing his child. Very well written.
I also like your use of the curtain as a metaphor.
A fine job!
jamiejay
Well-known member
I was going to agree with you on this.... but the last page had so much room left, so this wasn't entirely true.
I just saw a few places that I thought could be worked on and it was only my opinion and I hope that, between this and my previous comment, it doesn't sound like I am being too harsh. I did like the script and the concept!
Samantha Hazard
New member
Thanks for the comments everyone, they're really helpful!! I enjoy good constructive criticism
I'm glad you all are liking it, that's what I had hoped for. I'm taking in all the comments and putting them to good use!
I'm glad you all are liking it, that's what I had hoped for. I'm taking in all the comments and putting them to good use!
Samantha Hazard
New member
PS: any ideas for a new/altered ending? I really want to kep it in Twilight Zone fashion, which I notice typically isn't very nice to characters... but I think in the case of a broken character like Tucker in this scripts, the TZ might shed a little good favor... I want to keep it short, and was kind of displeased with the ending myself, but I'm not sure where to take it. It could probably just wrap up with a nicer word from the narrator... hmmm... LOL. sorry, I'm thinking as I type!
PPS: jamiejay, good point about the dialog there. I felt the same way, but again... didn't know where to go. I think i'll try to work in some more "classic" kind of father/son dialog like they would have in the original TZ. thanks for the comment!!
PPS: jamiejay, good point about the dialog there. I felt the same way, but again... didn't know where to go. I think i'll try to work in some more "classic" kind of father/son dialog like they would have in the original TZ. thanks for the comment!!
alex whitmer
Veteran
Script review
Script review
Up through page 3 ...
SPOILERS
TECHIE STUFF
This …
INT. EMPTY APARTMENT – NIGHT
An apartment is full of cardboard boxes
You don’t need to repeat ‘apartment’ in action since you wrote it in your slug.
This …
‘… takes out a PICTURE of a woman, a child, and himself. He looks thoughtfully and painfully at the picture …’
You finished this out under six pages, so you can break up these chunks of action block. This can be split at ‘himself’ and ‘He’.
‘… takes out a PICTURE of a woman, a child, and himself.
He looks thoughtfully and painfully at the picture …’
This …
They’ve recently moved
to the suburbs from a rural estate where
they hope to start a new life
A little confusion here. You follow ‘rural estate’ with ‘where they hope …’, but ‘where they hope …’ should follow suburbs. Like this …
‘They’ve recently moved from a rural estate to
the suburbs, where they hope to start a new life …’
This …
since the recent death of beloved wife and mother
Are you missing ‘their’ or something like that?
This …
As the Narrator finishes speaking …
Don’t need this. The diaologue stops so it’s pretty self-evident.
This …
He is clearly stressed from the move and the changes in his life.
No way to know this just by looking at him. I think the moving boxes and the photo tell some of the story clear enough.
This …
There are no words exchanged in this typically caring event.
Leave off the ‘in this typically caring event.’ It is unfilmable information. The fact no words are said pretty much paints the picture. Beside, not all households are all that caring, and it may not be all that typical.
This …
BEN
Mommy used to keep the blinds open.
TUCKER
(overlapping)
I don’t care.
You can save a line like this …
BEN
Mommy used to keep the blinds …
TUCKER
… I don’t care.
Don’t need to mention the desire for ‘open’ blinds, as you have established that already.
Page 2 has a total of 4 parenthetical actions. I think you can lose most. Also, don’t need to use ING verbs in them.
BEN
(mutters)
The stars are the same everywhere…
Page 2
This …
Tucker is up already
Kinda obvious. Don’t need to mention it.
This …
Tucker is up already and doing some unpacking, still in
his pajamas. He looks at his watch and goes to wake Ben
up to get ready for school.
Lose the ING verbs. You have both simple present and present continuous in the same action, which can confuse a quick read. Also, at first glance, we have no idea where he is headed until he get there. Try …
Tucker, still in his pajamas, unpacks a box. He looks at his watch, exits the room.
That’s all you need. 28 words down to 16.
That was 12 extra words the lighting tech, sound engineer, actors and set designers need to wade through to find their pertinent information.
This …
He crosses to Ben’s room, opening the door.
This is why you want to keep verbs one tense when at all possible. This reads like he is doing both actions at the same time, when in fact one follows the other. If he is opening Ben’s door as he crosses, he must have one hell of a long arm.
Like this …
He crosses to Ben’s room, opens the door.
Page 3
This …
The room is still dark because of the closed blind.
Tucker goes to open it and squints in the sudden light.
He looks out the window for a moment and then turns
around.
What’s missing here is slugs to tell us where we are. Slugs can eat up another 2 lines, but since you have changing details in these rooms, I think you should use them.
Once you have established you are in the house, or INT., you don’t need to do the INT. ROOM – DAY. Just clutter – unless you prefer it. No rule saying you shouldn’t.
BEN’S ROOM
Dark. Tucker enters and opens the blinds. He squints in the sudden bright light. He peeks outside, then back.
This uses 4 lines as does the original. Keep it lean, dump the superfluous minutia.
This …
The bed is empty except for some rustled sheets and
blankets. Tucker stares, surprised, and leaves the
room.
I think you mean rumpled. Either way it’s kind of a given. We saw Ben get into bed, so it’s likely the bed will be unmade. If it was made, however, that would be an important detail.
You can chop this down to …
The bed is empty. Tucker stares, surprised, and leaves the
room.
Also, I think some of this can be attached to the previous action, like this …
BEN’S ROOM
Dark. Tucker enters and opens the blinds. He squints in the sudden bright light. He peeks outside, then back to the bed. Empty.
Tucker stares, surprised, and leaves the room.
MORE ...
Script review
Up through page 3 ...
SPOILERS
TECHIE STUFF
This …
INT. EMPTY APARTMENT – NIGHT
An apartment is full of cardboard boxes
You don’t need to repeat ‘apartment’ in action since you wrote it in your slug.
This …
‘… takes out a PICTURE of a woman, a child, and himself. He looks thoughtfully and painfully at the picture …’
You finished this out under six pages, so you can break up these chunks of action block. This can be split at ‘himself’ and ‘He’.
‘… takes out a PICTURE of a woman, a child, and himself.
He looks thoughtfully and painfully at the picture …’
This …
They’ve recently moved
to the suburbs from a rural estate where
they hope to start a new life
A little confusion here. You follow ‘rural estate’ with ‘where they hope …’, but ‘where they hope …’ should follow suburbs. Like this …
‘They’ve recently moved from a rural estate to
the suburbs, where they hope to start a new life …’
This …
since the recent death of beloved wife and mother
Are you missing ‘their’ or something like that?
This …
As the Narrator finishes speaking …
Don’t need this. The diaologue stops so it’s pretty self-evident.
This …
He is clearly stressed from the move and the changes in his life.
No way to know this just by looking at him. I think the moving boxes and the photo tell some of the story clear enough.
This …
There are no words exchanged in this typically caring event.
Leave off the ‘in this typically caring event.’ It is unfilmable information. The fact no words are said pretty much paints the picture. Beside, not all households are all that caring, and it may not be all that typical.
This …
BEN
Mommy used to keep the blinds open.
TUCKER
(overlapping)
I don’t care.
You can save a line like this …
BEN
Mommy used to keep the blinds …
TUCKER
… I don’t care.
Don’t need to mention the desire for ‘open’ blinds, as you have established that already.
Page 2 has a total of 4 parenthetical actions. I think you can lose most. Also, don’t need to use ING verbs in them.
BEN
(mutters)
The stars are the same everywhere…
Page 2
This …
Tucker is up already
Kinda obvious. Don’t need to mention it.
This …
Tucker is up already and doing some unpacking, still in
his pajamas. He looks at his watch and goes to wake Ben
up to get ready for school.
Lose the ING verbs. You have both simple present and present continuous in the same action, which can confuse a quick read. Also, at first glance, we have no idea where he is headed until he get there. Try …
Tucker, still in his pajamas, unpacks a box. He looks at his watch, exits the room.
That’s all you need. 28 words down to 16.
That was 12 extra words the lighting tech, sound engineer, actors and set designers need to wade through to find their pertinent information.
This …
He crosses to Ben’s room, opening the door.
This is why you want to keep verbs one tense when at all possible. This reads like he is doing both actions at the same time, when in fact one follows the other. If he is opening Ben’s door as he crosses, he must have one hell of a long arm.
Like this …
He crosses to Ben’s room, opens the door.
Page 3
This …
The room is still dark because of the closed blind.
Tucker goes to open it and squints in the sudden light.
He looks out the window for a moment and then turns
around.
What’s missing here is slugs to tell us where we are. Slugs can eat up another 2 lines, but since you have changing details in these rooms, I think you should use them.
Once you have established you are in the house, or INT., you don’t need to do the INT. ROOM – DAY. Just clutter – unless you prefer it. No rule saying you shouldn’t.
BEN’S ROOM
Dark. Tucker enters and opens the blinds. He squints in the sudden bright light. He peeks outside, then back.
This uses 4 lines as does the original. Keep it lean, dump the superfluous minutia.
This …
The bed is empty except for some rustled sheets and
blankets. Tucker stares, surprised, and leaves the
room.
I think you mean rumpled. Either way it’s kind of a given. We saw Ben get into bed, so it’s likely the bed will be unmade. If it was made, however, that would be an important detail.
You can chop this down to …
The bed is empty. Tucker stares, surprised, and leaves the
room.
Also, I think some of this can be attached to the previous action, like this …
BEN’S ROOM
Dark. Tucker enters and opens the blinds. He squints in the sudden bright light. He peeks outside, then back to the bed. Empty.
Tucker stares, surprised, and leaves the room.
MORE ...
alex whitmer
Veteran
MORE ...
This …
He goes into several other rooms to no avail, he cannot
find his son, even in the small apartment.
In a case like this you do not need to do a room-by-room slug. If a scene takes place in a room, then yes, slug it. In this scenario, however, the scene takes place all over the house, and the director will decide how to play it out.
There is extra info here, though. Chop it ot something like …
Tucker moves from room to room calling Ben’s name. No response.
Here I used an ING verb because the calling is continuous with the searching. It just feels better. No rule, just rhythm.
This …
He begins to rush through the entire apartment again,
looking in all of the rooms he’s already looked in. He
looks in closets, behind boxes, in boxes, the
refrigerator, all the while getting more upset and
anxious. He still does not see his son.
I have always hated ‘begins’. Avoid it if you can. Clean this up sorta kinda like …
Tucker panics, retraces his steps. He looks in every closet, every box, even the refrigerator. The blood drains from his face.
44 words down to 21, and you still create a sense of urgency.
This …
He looks out the window from a distance, then turns to
run out the door.
Not sure what you mean ‘from a distance’. Do you mean he looks across a room and out a window?
Also, since this is where all the running around stops, and he sees whatever he sees, I think this room should be slugged. Is he in the bathroom when he looks out the window? The living room maybe?
Could be the kitchen, and he runs out the back door into the yard. Be clear, Seems like something really important is being set up here.
I'll finish this asap.
This …
He goes into several other rooms to no avail, he cannot
find his son, even in the small apartment.
In a case like this you do not need to do a room-by-room slug. If a scene takes place in a room, then yes, slug it. In this scenario, however, the scene takes place all over the house, and the director will decide how to play it out.
There is extra info here, though. Chop it ot something like …
Tucker moves from room to room calling Ben’s name. No response.
Here I used an ING verb because the calling is continuous with the searching. It just feels better. No rule, just rhythm.
This …
He begins to rush through the entire apartment again,
looking in all of the rooms he’s already looked in. He
looks in closets, behind boxes, in boxes, the
refrigerator, all the while getting more upset and
anxious. He still does not see his son.
I have always hated ‘begins’. Avoid it if you can. Clean this up sorta kinda like …
Tucker panics, retraces his steps. He looks in every closet, every box, even the refrigerator. The blood drains from his face.
44 words down to 21, and you still create a sense of urgency.
This …
He looks out the window from a distance, then turns to
run out the door.
Not sure what you mean ‘from a distance’. Do you mean he looks across a room and out a window?
Also, since this is where all the running around stops, and he sees whatever he sees, I think this room should be slugged. Is he in the bathroom when he looks out the window? The living room maybe?
Could be the kitchen, and he runs out the back door into the yard. Be clear, Seems like something really important is being set up here.
I'll finish this asap.
Samantha Hazard
New member
Thanks for all the advice, I appreciate it! I've always had trouble with tenses for some reason (as well as things like passive voice, I was just never taught!!) so it's nice to have someone go through and look at the technicalities.
I have a question though. I was always taught that 1 page = 1 minute. That's why I have such long explanations of what happening during silence.
If I want to take up the space on the page so silence gets its allotted share, but don't want to ramble, what should I be doing? Shorter sentences broken up by double spaces?
I have a question though. I was always taught that 1 page = 1 minute. That's why I have such long explanations of what happening during silence.
If I want to take up the space on the page so silence gets its allotted share, but don't want to ramble, what should I be doing? Shorter sentences broken up by double spaces?
alex whitmer
Veteran
Actually it's an AVERAGE of one page = one minute. Some pages may take 30 seconds to film, and others 2 minutes. A 6 page script ought to land roughly around 6 minutes, give or take. Not an absolute, but a good way for any fillmaker/producer to gauge what they are getting into.
A good comedy script will likely have fewer pages than a good drama script, but finish out about the same length on film. Comedy uses a lot of comedic visuals, and one page of prat falls and slapstick may take three minutes to film.
Don't let that ''rule'' dictate what you write. Story should always come before rules, unspoken or otherwise.
alex
A good comedy script will likely have fewer pages than a good drama script, but finish out about the same length on film. Comedy uses a lot of comedic visuals, and one page of prat falls and slapstick may take three minutes to film.
Don't let that ''rule'' dictate what you write. Story should always come before rules, unspoken or otherwise.
alex
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Captain Pierce
Veteran
I would have to guess that this is meant to be a Twilight Fest script (or else it's just a big coincidence that you went all Twilight Zone in the script ); given that, it's understandable that you would be worried about the page = minutes thing, but for a Script Fest, I wouldn't worry about that at all. Do the most you can in six pages for this Fest, and then rewrite for Twilight if you need to.
With regards to the script... I thought Tucker was being a dick for no reason except to be a dick when he insisted on closing the blinds. I mean, unless he was not at all around when Celeste was putting Ben to bed, he must have known that she left the blinds open, and there's no reason at all for him to object except to just set him up for what happens. It just seems to me that, if he gave a damn at all about his son, he'd be trying his to best to do the same thing that his late wife did, if only to help his son.
You asked what people would do for an alternate ending; I dunno if this qualifies, but instead of Ben disappearing, I would suggest having him come down to breakfast the next morning with the "shroud." Tucker could see it once, wonder was up, but then not see it again. Then he could see it the first time he sees anyone else as he takes Ben to school, then when he goes to work, or basically anytime he treats anybody like a total dick. Then, that next night as he goes to "tuck" Ben in, they could have the blinds conversation again, and he could see the blinds, realize that they're the shroud, and leave them open this time, to suggest that he can change.
I do think that the shroud is an interesting gimmick, and I can see it in a classic Twilight Zone episode, but I really think that even in the old TZ, they gave characters a shot at redemption; some of them blew it, but others did get redeemed. (I'm thinking of Art Carney in the shot-on-video Santa Claus episode I saw on Sci-Fi in one of their marathons a while back.) There is a happy ending from time to time, and I think this deserves one.
); given that, it's understandable that you would be worried about the page = minutes thing, but for a Script Fest, I wouldn't worry about that at all. Do the most you can in six pages for this Fest, and then rewrite for Twilight if you need to.With regards to the script... I thought Tucker was being a dick for no reason except to be a dick when he insisted on closing the blinds. I mean, unless he was not at all around when Celeste was putting Ben to bed, he must have known that she left the blinds open, and there's no reason at all for him to object except to just set him up for what happens. It just seems to me that, if he gave a damn at all about his son, he'd be trying his to best to do the same thing that his late wife did, if only to help his son.
You asked what people would do for an alternate ending; I dunno if this qualifies, but instead of Ben disappearing, I would suggest having him come down to breakfast the next morning with the "shroud." Tucker could see it once, wonder was up, but then not see it again. Then he could see it the first time he sees anyone else as he takes Ben to school, then when he goes to work, or basically anytime he treats anybody like a total dick. Then, that next night as he goes to "tuck" Ben in, they could have the blinds conversation again, and he could see the blinds, realize that they're the shroud, and leave them open this time, to suggest that he can change.
I do think that the shroud is an interesting gimmick, and I can see it in a classic Twilight Zone episode, but I really think that even in the old TZ, they gave characters a shot at redemption; some of them blew it, but others did get redeemed. (I'm thinking of Art Carney in the shot-on-video Santa Claus episode I saw on Sci-Fi in one of their marathons a while back.) There is a happy ending from time to time, and I think this deserves one.
MrKilloran
Well-known member
Feels like a classic, great tone and set up but a tad lackluster on the end. Nothing really to say taht hasn't already been said. Overall a great job and it certainly feels like it'd be a Twilight zone episode, especially with the use of that Rod Serling narration.
Samantha Hazard
New member
thanks for the comments, everyone!
I actually didn't know about TwilightFest when I was conceiving the story and writing it. My director sent me the link to this contest, so I know he wanted to make whatever I wrote, so I figured I would write something cool, but makable. We only discovered TwilightFest after the script was done.
I actually didn't know about TwilightFest when I was conceiving the story and writing it. My director sent me the link to this contest, so I know he wanted to make whatever I wrote, so I figured I would write something cool, but makable. We only discovered TwilightFest after the script was done.