So I did some thinking today. There've been a few posts on the upsides and downsides of credit. Predatory lending has been a huge player in our current economic situation and the major card services are currently under scrutiny from Capitol Hill. No, I'm not laying all the blame on them... many have gotten credit without really knowing how it works. But then, the credit card companies have counted on ignorance and have made it so darned easy to sign up the household pet (cat/dog/hamster) for a VISA Platinum... how could you not?
I thought I might draft the letter that every card company should send, since they spend so much time feeding off so many folks. Some of this comes from my own experiences of discovering hidden policies, some of it from problems that friends and acquaintences have hit. Much of it is really just from keen observation of how these companies operate. This is the letter we all wish we'd gotten at one point or another...
Dear valued customer,
Due to pressure from lawmakers in Washington, D.C., we are sending you this letter in hopes that it will appease Congress as they work on legislation that we pray (and are strongly confident) will not pass. Our lobbyists are working hard to pay off lawmakers and quash any bills that might threaten our well-being. Such legislation would attempt to regulate our business in ways that we would find uncomfortable. However, we are taking the first step by issuing this letter to all our cardholders in an effort to clarify many of the policies that can be found in fine print on your monthly statements, and in our current Cardholder Agreement (available on our website, if you can find the link).
This should effectively summarize our policies and procedures:
It is our hope that this has cleared up any confusion you may have about your account with us. Really, it took a lot for us to do this. We’ve tried so hard to keep most of this information from you, our loyal customer, for so long. Know that we value your business, and we look forward to reaping the future rewards of your ignorance and/or irresponsibility.
Sincerely,
Your Credit Card Company
I thought I might draft the letter that every card company should send, since they spend so much time feeding off so many folks. Some of this comes from my own experiences of discovering hidden policies, some of it from problems that friends and acquaintences have hit. Much of it is really just from keen observation of how these companies operate. This is the letter we all wish we'd gotten at one point or another...
Dear valued customer,
Due to pressure from lawmakers in Washington, D.C., we are sending you this letter in hopes that it will appease Congress as they work on legislation that we pray (and are strongly confident) will not pass. Our lobbyists are working hard to pay off lawmakers and quash any bills that might threaten our well-being. Such legislation would attempt to regulate our business in ways that we would find uncomfortable. However, we are taking the first step by issuing this letter to all our cardholders in an effort to clarify many of the policies that can be found in fine print on your monthly statements, and in our current Cardholder Agreement (available on our website, if you can find the link).
This should effectively summarize our policies and procedures:
- We are happy to loan you money, but will be charging you a nominal interest rate should you take more than a month to repay the debt.
- Often it takes credit to get credit, but we like to help folks get off the ground. Call it our good deed. Please be aware that, if this is your first card, you must carry a balance long enough to incur some interest payments in order for us to report your good credit to the reporting agencies. After all, until we've made a little money off you, we have no obligation to help you (other than graciously extending you credit in the first place).
- Your interest rate may seem quite favorable when you open a line of credit with us, but all good things must come to an end. Count on it.
- We reserve the right to change said interest rate at any time… on a whim, really. If your monthly payment is at all late, even once, your APR will increase. In fact, if you look at us or speak to us in a tone of voice that we find unsatisfactory, we may increase your APR.
- Your APR may be increased to a percentage that will prohibit you from ever repaying the debt. But please, don’t worry about or feel sorry for us. We actually make off much better should you default on your loan.
- While there is no charge for sending us a check by mail, your statement will arrive so close to your payment date that is unlikely you will have time to turn the payment envelope around and send it back. Any delays caused by the postal service are your responsibility, and postmark dates count for nothing. Mailed before the date or not, any payment received after the due date will add a late payment fee of $39 to your next statement.
- We will charge you fees for paying your account on time. Granted, those fees may be avoided should you mail a check on time, but as that is not likely to happen, we have added other features for your convenience to assist you in paying on or before your payment date. Please note that these features will cost extra in one way or another:
- We have set up a website to allow you to make payments directly from your bank account. Please note that, should you be close to your payment date, you may opt to use the Express Payment feature at a cost of $15. Any payment scheduled within your billing cycle may not actually get to us before your payment date. You see, we use a generic web service that’s really a third-party resource, despite the fact that it bears our logo. So even if your payment shows on the website as processed on time, it may suffer a delay of up to 5 business days before the money is actually received from your bank account. In the event that this happens, you will be charged a late payment fee of $39. No, this is not specified on the website, and the website will never reflect any such delay, but that’s not our responsibility. Or, at least, we refuse to accept it as our responsibility. Please also note that the Express Payment, though advertised as being processed the same day, may not process the same day for the aforementioned website delay. In this case, you may incur both the Express Payment fee and a late payment fee, but that’s your problem and not ours.
- You may opt to make a payment by phone, which will be processed immediately and bypass any website problems. There will be an added fee of $15 for payment by phone. Such is the price for attempting to pay on time, and for distracting the call center employees who should be calling other customers to harass them for payments.
- We will periodically raise your credit limit, even if you aren’t the most reliable customer. Sometimes we say that this is done to help you avoid over-the-limit fees for an account that stays close to its limit, or that incurs any of the aforementioned fees. (Please also note that a late payment fee that pushes your account past the limit will incur an over-the-limit fee.) Truth is, we’re gambling on the fact that you’ll spend the extra credit we add, and with your already-jacked-up interest rate, we are confident that you will either pay on this account as long as you live, or default on the debt in which case we make out like bandits.
- You may be thinking by now that this whole thing is a racket, and you’d be right. But your insatiable need for more stuff matches so well with our greed and complete lack of ethics or morals that we’re quite content with the status quo. That said, we’re just going to keep doing what we do.
It is our hope that this has cleared up any confusion you may have about your account with us. Really, it took a lot for us to do this. We’ve tried so hard to keep most of this information from you, our loyal customer, for so long. Know that we value your business, and we look forward to reaping the future rewards of your ignorance and/or irresponsibility.
Sincerely,
Your Credit Card Company
Last edited:
