Birth of a Nazi - by Louise Greene

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LouiseG

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"Racism tears down your insides so that no matter what you achieve, you're not quite up to snuff." – Alvin Ailey*
Logline: In pursuit of finding your niche, how far will you go?


This script revolves around racism and the cyclical nature of hatred in the far-right south. It contains racial slurs, harsh language and two exploding guns (in case you really like guns--fair warning).

*I have perhaps presented Mr. Ailey’s quote in a light he had not originally intended. Whereas he was speaking of the racialist attitude of America towards African American dancers in the mid 1900’s, I use his quote in description of the racialists themselves.
 
I thought this was pretty dang good on all fronts. Kept me interested the whole way through. Had emotion as well. Nothing critical to say actually. Where did you get the inspiration/ idea for this?
 
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Script critique – Birth of a Nazi

Page 1

Typical southern strip joint:

*Are most ‘Southern strip joints scummy?

*Also, your slug already mentions ‘strip`’

Great one, this …

*women are fugly.

This …

AFRICAN WOMAN.

*Do you mean black? Not all people from the African continent are Black.

This …

A CAT MEOWS; he rubs against Mom. Her eyes lock with Pa...
then the firearm.

*Pronoun confusion. You first mention the cat rubs against Mom, then follow with HER, which I though was referring to the cat, with a pronoun typo.

Maybe try …

**A CAT MEOWS; he rubs against Mom. Mom’s eyes lock with Pa...
then the firearm.

*Clarity rules!

This …

*I’m tempted to read ‘double intender’ into this line …

He was jus’ mad at mom cuz’ she
took Pussy ta’ work again.

Page 2

The sawdust settles.

*Sawdust??


This …

Pa’s in his undies, laid out on the couch, sucken’ down a
Bud. Roger Ramjet on the tube.

*Yup, not much of a role model!!

This …

The voice belongs to HARLEY,

*I take it you mean the Seventeen-year-old male ?

This …

There’s a tat on the back of his head, it’s unreadable tho.

*I take it tat is short for tattoo? And tho is some kind of text-message-ese

Page 3

This …

Filthy. Hair covers the floor. Hasn’t been mopped in ages.

*You paint some great visuals.

This …

The girl clicks the razor to "close shave;" makes him bald.
He stares into the mirror, rubs his deforested scalp and
smiles sheepishly.

*More of that pronoun confusion. HE follows the girls action, but it refers to Harley. Reads as a typo at first. Got to watch those.

Page 4

This …

coke and beer cans lying on a termite infested barrel.

*Why lying? Usually they are stood up.

This …

He’s never held a gun before.

*The audience does not know that. Find another way to ‘show’ it.

This …

‘quivers a smirk’

*Not sure what that means.

This …

Pa lightens up a bit. Snorts back some phlegm.

*Real nice family ‘snapshot’.

Top of page 5

*Love Pa’s logic!

Page 6

This …

Pa swallows.

Ya gonna shoot people with it?

*Real high expectations for his kid!!

Page 7

This …

HARLEY
(scoldingly)
Dont’cha got shows ta watch!? See
how Underdog’ll save the day THIS
time? Why ya’ watchin’ me fer once?

Pa gulps air. Takes another sip of Bud. Returns to his show.

*Boy, can you feel the love in this room? Great stuff.


This …

tho

*Shouldn’t this be ‘though’?

This …

GIRL NAZI
I got a baby growin’ inside me.
Harley looks down at her tummy.

HARLEY
You sayin’ there’s a kid in there?

*Is this like the Blue Lagoon goes Nazi?

*Also, this girl was SKINHEAD GIRL before, and now she’s GIRL NAZI. Same girl?

Page 8

*I don’t get this …

(V.O--AUDIO FROM NEXT SCENE)

Page 9

Harley pulls his gun out the window,

*Do you mean ‘points’ it out the window?

This …

Her husband cradles her.

*How do we know it’s her husband?


*Not sure about the use of bold text.

****

There is a lot to like about this script. Solid story, and solid story telling.

Ordinarily having the ‘hero’ die is a tough sell, but this is that rare occasion where it really works.

Excellent job.


Alex
 
I liked the mirror image scenes at the beginning and end where the gun blows up. Gives it a nice tie together.
 
I really enjoyed this script. I think you did a very good job with the characters and giving us a feel for their relationships in short, but very distinctive sentences. Alex posted some of my favorites above, usually with Pa.

I had a little trouble with some of the pronoun things as well, but nothing major and this "Harley pulls his gun out the window" is a little confusing.
I like the end, not only did you resolve the original story with another exploding gun, but also showed that the trend of hatred will just continue.
All in all though, it was a very good read!
 
Thanks everyone for the comments. Sorry it's taken so long to respond; I've had a rough week.
To STYLZ: I don't really know why, but recently I've had a fascination as to how young, impressionable kids are suckered into Nazism. After some research and interaction with ex-Nazis, the script pretty much wrote itself.

To alex whitmer: Wow, thanks for all the feedback! I agree with everything (literally) that you mentioned. I'll make sure to check for confusing pronouns from now on. Glad you liked it!

To Mobie540: I'm glad you liked the mirror image. I wasn't sure if this worked or not; sometimes mirrored scenes come off as cheezy. Glad to know it didn't.

To conlanforever: 2 comments on pronoun confusion... Definitely going to watch out for that more. Thanks for the kind words!

To Car3o: Thanks very much! For the pursuit theme, the kid was pursuing a more attentive father figure, stumbling across a neo-Nazi pursuing a kid to corrupt. I agree, it's not as strong as in some other scripts, but I think it works. Glad you liked it.
 
Creepy and sad. I liked it from a technical standpoint, but probably would have enjoyed it more if stuff like that didn't happen. You know what I mean? :)
 
This is the best script I've read so far. A great story told well. The exaggerated reality reminded me of Pulp Fiction or Buffalo '66 because the extreme scenes and settings in this script are comedic, dramatic, and cool at the same time (shotgun slow-mo in a strip club? amazing, and somewhat like Buffalo '66 come to think of it). The son and his father could both be written off as caricatures if you hadn't given them interesting things to say and do. The intro is brilliant: Harley answering the Nazi recruiter as a way to narrate the opening scene. Makes for a good framing device as well.

Regarding the ending (I'm sure you've already considered this but): What if the misfire results in Harley shooting the couple? It might be too ironic, I know, but it would be two rights making a wrong. That's just crazy. Also, you wouldn't kill of the very endearing Harley (great name by the way!).

I agree with Alex's technical criticisms, except that I understood exactly what you meant by the V.O. from the next scene (that you hear his voice from the next cut right?) and that I really like the use of bold even thought it's probably not technically correct.

Again, really good job. I hope I get to see this film one what or another.

Brad
p.s. Check out The Reunion! (link below)
 
To krestofre: Glad you liked it, and glad you didn't like it that much ;)
To btangonan: I haven't even heard of Buffalo '66; I'll have to check it out... Anyway, thanks for the review, I'll think about your suggestion with the ending. I'll get to yours later tonight, hopefully. Good luck!
 
On my first read, I missed that it was Harley's dad that left the cleaning rag inside Harley's gun, so I was wondering if Harley could really be stupid enough to have the same thing happen to him that happened to his Pa. Now, I'm wondering if Pa can really be stupid enough to do the same thing twice. I mean, I know you're working with stereotypical dumbass Southern folk here (the only people that are still OK to be stereotypical with these days :) ), but that kind of stupidity is off the chart.

Speaking of the stereotyping, I wonder if painting your characters with that broad of a brush is doing your script any favors. It just seems to me that, if you're trying to explore "how young, impressionable kids are suckered into Nazism," that using these stereotypical hicks really isn't showing us anything new. It's no surprise that Harley could become a skinhead, because we pretty much expect him to be a racist to start with. Maybe the short format requires you to work with this kind of character, but I think it would have been more interesting to see a script about someone less likely to be come a skinhead and why they would do it.
 
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