"Best Wishes"
- Thread starter STYLZ
- Start date
Russell Moore
Well-known member
I liked your scriptfest entry (come to think of it, it had a sci-fi feel to it), I like the idea of a story based around this subject.
This was really cool. I loved how you left intepretation in there that they were trying to create the new messiah it worked really well.
I liked how you progressed Jasons violent streak in the procedure. At first I assumed it was just a part of what he needed to learn but then I began to suspect the outcome and I got the pay off.
A good job so I must nitpick you. There are some spelling mistakes. And at one point you referred to something that had happened - "All church members have filed past now leaving just Preacher
James and the Chase’s. "
Great job!
I liked how you progressed Jasons violent streak in the procedure. At first I assumed it was just a part of what he needed to learn but then I began to suspect the outcome and I got the pay off.
A good job so I must nitpick you. There are some spelling mistakes. And at one point you referred to something that had happened - "All church members have filed past now leaving just Preacher
James and the Chase’s. "
Great job!
Captain Pierce
Veteran
I try not to go all grammar-and-punctuation-police as I "review" the scripts, but as Noel mentions, you do have a few, and they did pull me out of the script a little.
I find it interesting and perhaps unusual that Michelle is already pregnant--at first glance, I would have expected the sort of modification being done here would have been done in the "test-tube" stage, but then I started to wonder if the name "Neuro Tek" means that the company is coming at things from an angle other than genetic engineering, which is what I originally expected. If that was the intent, I'd suggest perhaps playing it up a little more, because I did totally miss it at first.
The other thing I'd suggest is to start the images seen in Jason's eye a little more positive, to highlight Dr. Chu's line that "he will know the impact of bad and the beauty of good." All you give us is the the bad (and really no impact of it, if by impact you meant consequences of his bad actions) without any good. You could start it good, then start to turn it bad (while showing the impact/consequences), and then take it totally bad, leading up to the end. If you're going to show somebody who's "emotionally superior," then show us the full range of his emotions and how their superior, not just the negative ones. Granted, by that point you're probably well over the page limit for the fest.
I just likened d krestofre's script to a couple of Star Trek: TNG episodes; if I may continue on in that vein for no good reason, yours could be the backstory of the TOS episode "Space Seed." I like how you've shown how this kind of thing can backfire, particularly when it's done for the ulterior motives that you hint at, and I like the way you hint at those ulterior motives.
I find it interesting and perhaps unusual that Michelle is already pregnant--at first glance, I would have expected the sort of modification being done here would have been done in the "test-tube" stage, but then I started to wonder if the name "Neuro Tek" means that the company is coming at things from an angle other than genetic engineering, which is what I originally expected. If that was the intent, I'd suggest perhaps playing it up a little more, because I did totally miss it at first.
The other thing I'd suggest is to start the images seen in Jason's eye a little more positive, to highlight Dr. Chu's line that "he will know the impact of bad and the beauty of good." All you give us is the the bad (and really no impact of it, if by impact you meant consequences of his bad actions) without any good. You could start it good, then start to turn it bad (while showing the impact/consequences), and then take it totally bad, leading up to the end. If you're going to show somebody who's "emotionally superior," then show us the full range of his emotions and how their superior, not just the negative ones. Granted, by that point you're probably well over the page limit for the fest.
I just likened d krestofre's script to a couple of Star Trek: TNG episodes; if I may continue on in that vein for no good reason, yours could be the backstory of the TOS episode "Space Seed."
I like how you've shown how this kind of thing can backfire, particularly when it's done for the ulterior motives that you hint at, and I like the way you hint at those ulterior motives.
Russell Moore
Well-known member
I thought this was a great subject to explore and I liked the script.
I was a little confused (and it may just be me) about what was and wasn't being projected. The way I read it, all the "flash forwards" were being holographically projected? It starts out saying that the images would be projected. I don't know if that changed or not and then we were just seeing flash forward for the benefit of the reader.
If they(parents, preacher etc.) could see what we saw as projections, then obviously this is something they would want to change. It wasn't clear for me when the images stopped being projected and when the flash forwards began or if they were the same.
But it looks like, I'm the only to bring it up, so it very well could be me.
I really liked the images you created and the feelings you invoked. It really showed how events can backfire when we meddle where we shouldn't.
The idea of having an emotionally superior child was an idea I hadn't pondered. What a good original idea.
I was a little confused (and it may just be me) about what was and wasn't being projected. The way I read it, all the "flash forwards" were being holographically projected? It starts out saying that the images would be projected. I don't know if that changed or not and then we were just seeing flash forward for the benefit of the reader.
If they(parents, preacher etc.) could see what we saw as projections, then obviously this is something they would want to change. It wasn't clear for me when the images stopped being projected and when the flash forwards began or if they were the same.
But it looks like, I'm the only to bring it up, so it very well could be me.
I really liked the images you created and the feelings you invoked. It really showed how events can backfire when we meddle where we shouldn't.
The idea of having an emotionally superior child was an idea I hadn't pondered. What a good original idea.
MiataFilmSomething
Well-known member
I got a little lost towards the end, but it's probably my fault. Once I sat back and thought about it, it made sense.
Very solid story, which is the most important thing. How cool would it be to see this expanded into a feature film?! Have the kid become totally evil and the company trying to cover it up. Or have the kid be totally bipolar, wise and kind and loving one minute, then in times of stress, he switches to extreme evil.
I liked the Gattica vibe that the script had at the beginning. The only thing I didn't get was some of the policies of the doctor and the company. If there is no harm to come to Michelle or the baby, then they might as well tell them what it is.
Very solid story, which is the most important thing. How cool would it be to see this expanded into a feature film?! Have the kid become totally evil and the company trying to cover it up. Or have the kid be totally bipolar, wise and kind and loving one minute, then in times of stress, he switches to extreme evil.
I liked the Gattica vibe that the script had at the beginning. The only thing I didn't get was some of the policies of the doctor and the company. If there is no harm to come to Michelle or the baby, then they might as well tell them what it is.
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
Probably the strongest piece of advice you can get on this script. The Captain just beat me to it.
Good job.
mjjason
Well-known member
I echo this. At first I thought the flashforward scenes were images Neuro Tec was projecting so that Jason can learn from them. It wasn't till the last one that I realized they were flash-forwards.
The other problem I had was with the Preacher. Why was he a part of the parents plan? What was his goal? Maybe this will be explained in a longer script but here it just felt misleading or incomplete.
Overall, I like the story but they were a few areas that had me confused on why things were happening.
jamiejay
Well-known member
Interesting concept. Am I right in assuming that Jason was intended to be some sort of messiah as someone else has already suggested? If not, I don't know why the Preacher was involved.
A few small typos were just a tiny distraction, but no big deal.
I am also confused about the images in Jason's eyes. Were they the holographic images that were being projected? Or were they supposed to be the real future?
If they were the projected images, they didn't show all emotional experiences, as someone has already mentioned, and I don't understand why those would be the images that would be chosen. Also, if they were only projections, then the reader is left without knowing the outcome of the experiment.
If they were images of what is really going to take place, why would the experiment backfire? And why would we see these images in his eyes while they are projecting the holographic images?
I hope you can give me a little more insight into what you were intending here and clear it up for me... or maybe you intentionally left it up to interpretation? Like American Psycho or something along those lines?
Will write more later
A few small typos were just a tiny distraction, but no big deal.
I am also confused about the images in Jason's eyes. Were they the holographic images that were being projected? Or were they supposed to be the real future?
If they were the projected images, they didn't show all emotional experiences, as someone has already mentioned, and I don't understand why those would be the images that would be chosen. Also, if they were only projections, then the reader is left without knowing the outcome of the experiment.
If they were images of what is really going to take place, why would the experiment backfire? And why would we see these images in his eyes while they are projecting the holographic images?
I hope you can give me a little more insight into what you were intending here and clear it up for me... or maybe you intentionally left it up to interpretation? Like American Psycho or something along those lines?
Will write more later
STYLZ
Well-known member
Conlan- The images were projected into Jason's eyes. Noone else can see it but Jason and the camera(us).
Miata- The doctor is trying to protect company secretes. This is cutting edge stuff and a private company. Doesn't wan't the companies formulas and pills revealed to other companies.
Mjjason- exactly what I was going for, I think...
I wan't the reader or viewer to ask themselves "so was that final scene a created image or diid it really happen?" A hard thing to portray.
Regarding the Preacher, only one person seems to have caught on to the whole messiah undertones. The preacher could be the one who convinced michelle she will have the new messiah. Get it?
Jaimie-yes I was leaving it up for the reader to decide/question/ponder. I came to the conclusion one day "better to have a viewer/reader pondering or question a film/script than to have the not thinking about it because it is so simple. At least they are engaged" I might have overdone it though.
'
I didn't want to hit people over the head with "Hey these people wan't this kid to be the next jesus". So I took the subtle route. Maybe to subtle.
At anyrate, I started writing this on august 9th. Took a couple hours to write. I almost didn't enter it because I was unhappy with it and my extreme procastination. Woke up next day like "dang I should put in some positive images", like Captain Pierce suggest. I should of done this and that. Glad I entered regardless.
Thanks for reading.
Miata- The doctor is trying to protect company secretes. This is cutting edge stuff and a private company. Doesn't wan't the companies formulas and pills revealed to other companies.
Mjjason- exactly what I was going for, I think...
I wan't the reader or viewer to ask themselves "so was that final scene a created image or diid it really happen?" A hard thing to portray.
Regarding the Preacher, only one person seems to have caught on to the whole messiah undertones. The preacher could be the one who convinced michelle she will have the new messiah. Get it?
Jaimie-yes I was leaving it up for the reader to decide/question/ponder. I came to the conclusion one day "better to have a viewer/reader pondering or question a film/script than to have the not thinking about it because it is so simple. At least they are engaged" I might have overdone it though.
'
I didn't want to hit people over the head with "Hey these people wan't this kid to be the next jesus". So I took the subtle route. Maybe to subtle.
At anyrate, I started writing this on august 9th. Took a couple hours to write. I almost didn't enter it because I was unhappy with it and my extreme procastination. Woke up next day like "dang I should put in some positive images", like Captain Pierce suggest. I should of done this and that. Glad I entered regardless.
Thanks for reading.
Last edited:
nitramlehcar
Well-known member
I definitely thought he was to be a sort of messiah in the beginning, but then it seemed to be downplayed later on. I wasn't sure. I think this would be really great with a couple more pages to develop the characters a little more, especially the preacher and the messiah gone bad. They should give us some breathing room on that, I think. 6-8 pages would be great!
Very cool idea, and great read. I really enjoyed it. :thumbup:
Very cool idea, and great read. I really enjoyed it. :thumbup:
alex whitmer
Veteran
Script review
Script review
This …
DR. CHU (CONT’D)
I’m so excited we actually found a
couple who wanted to have a son who
was emotionally superior to the
rest of us.
This is vital information to your story, but comes across as canned and dry. Find another way to reveal this.
This ...
DR. CHU
Neuro Tek being an experimental
company on the cutting edge of
technology can not divulge company
secretes to clients.
Don’t buy this. More info than is really needed to make your point.
This ...
DR. CHU (CONT’D)
I assure you we wouldn’t do
anything to harm you or your baby
Michelle.
Need a comma after baby, otherwise we think the baby’s name is Michelle.
This ...
DR. CHU (CONT’D)
After all your son
Missing punctuation.
Page 3
This ...
tightly packed small Christian church.
I’d rearrange these adjectives ...
small, tightly-packed Christian church.
This ...
PREACHER JAMES
We would like to introduce the
newest member of The Church of the
New Coming. Jason Chase.
He just blurts this out. No ‘dear members’, or ‘my friends’
Page 4
This ...
We see Jason now 3 years old strapped to a table still
Conscious.
The table is still conscious? Careful how you structure your sentances. You have a few odd occurances like this that leave things open to interpretation.
Pretty interesting idea. I think your dialogue is a little weak, and maybe too much information used up on minutia that does little for the story. We never really get to know how the couple feels, we don’t see them alone, or any inner-conflict over the decision. This could be developed into a strong story.
Script review
SPOILERS
TECHIE STUFF
This …
DR. CHU (CONT’D)
I’m so excited we actually found a
couple who wanted to have a son who
was emotionally superior to the
rest of us.
This is vital information to your story, but comes across as canned and dry. Find another way to reveal this.
This ...
DR. CHU
Neuro Tek being an experimental
company on the cutting edge of
technology can not divulge company
secretes to clients.
Don’t buy this. More info than is really needed to make your point.
This ...
DR. CHU (CONT’D)
I assure you we wouldn’t do
anything to harm you or your baby
Michelle.
Need a comma after baby, otherwise we think the baby’s name is Michelle.
This ...
DR. CHU (CONT’D)
After all your son
Missing punctuation.
Page 3
This ...
tightly packed small Christian church.
I’d rearrange these adjectives ...
small, tightly-packed Christian church.
This ...
PREACHER JAMES
We would like to introduce the
newest member of The Church of the
New Coming. Jason Chase.
He just blurts this out. No ‘dear members’, or ‘my friends’
Page 4
This ...
We see Jason now 3 years old strapped to a table still
Conscious.
The table is still conscious? Careful how you structure your sentances. You have a few odd occurances like this that leave things open to interpretation.
STORY
Pretty interesting idea. I think your dialogue is a little weak, and maybe too much information used up on minutia that does little for the story. We never really get to know how the couple feels, we don’t see them alone, or any inner-conflict over the decision. This could be developed into a strong story.
pauly_the_hitman
Veteran
I really liked the overall concept of the story. But I think it would make a better feature. Nice job.
Pauly
Pauly
thartley
Veteran
While I think this is an interesting concept, I am unclear what exactly is the mistake that a character makes. Was it the choice in the first place of trying to engineer the toddler? Or was there an error in the holographic images? Also, some of the typos and spelling errors were distracting. Good concept, I just got a little lost in the execution of it. Otherwise, good job.
Russell Moore
Well-known member
Stylz, with that information I can imagine what you're going for with the images and I think it creates a pretty strong visual.
agalla1
Member
I thought the concept of the script was great.....I felt science's need to create a "Burger King child" meaning a child you get your way, special ordered....society continues to ponder what we could do if we had the technology and the nerve to put it into action.....I also enjoyed your play on religion...I did think that the parents and the pastor were trying to engineer the next messiah or at least the next great cult leader. The script greatly demonstrated more than one selfish endeavour which started out perhaps with "all good intentions" but how our their intentions were not always....good!
seansshack
Well-known member
One of the strongest concept ideas in the fest. I like the idea of playing with nature, as it is a believable possibility in science - to build the perfect human, but who decides good and bad elements.
One major problem, it that the transition to adult is too rapid. I would like more. Hints of problems in his younger years, complex problems in his teens etc. I think the 6 page rule hurt this one. But develop beyond the fest and it could be a very interesting 8-12 minute short. With a good message of don't toy with nature/science will ruin us all.
Good work and good luck with it.
One major problem, it that the transition to adult is too rapid. I would like more. Hints of problems in his younger years, complex problems in his teens etc. I think the 6 page rule hurt this one. But develop beyond the fest and it could be a very interesting 8-12 minute short. With a good message of don't toy with nature/science will ruin us all.
Good work and good luck with it.