BE RIGHT THERE, student film shot on D90

Fun little short. I liked the overall idea and feel.

Although I feel that there's a somewhat major problem with it. It has to do with the core, the part where he tries to get into the car.

At first I thought it was clear. He's trying to get into the car, and he has some silly ways of trying to do it. No matter what, he can't get in. But then he hits it with a baseball bat, which catches me by surprise, then next thing I know, he's trying to fish a line through the window. At that point I thought "he just broke it... why is he fishing a line for it?". It was only when I saw him breaking the window that I realized that it's all in his head.

If this was the effect you wanted, I still feel it doesn't work. It just arouses confusion more than anything. At the moment of the window breaking and the fishline, I had to stop it and look back, confused, just to confirm that he did in fact break it.

It just needs something to let us know it's all in his head, and that it's not some strange world where all of this makes sense. Maybe a simple "look up thinking and FLASH cut to the paper clip"

A smaller problem was the pacing at the beginning and end of the film.

However it's a fun film. Good stuff.
 
Jon Starr said:
Fun little short. I liked the overall idea and feel.

Although I feel that there's a somewhat major problem with it. It has to do with the core, the part where he tries to get into the car.

At first I thought it was clear. He's trying to get into the car, and he has some silly ways of trying to do it. No matter what, he can't get in. But then he hits it with a baseball bat, which catches me by surprise, then next thing I know, he's trying to fish a line through the window. At that point I thought "he just broke it... why is he fishing a line for it?". It was only when I saw him breaking the window that I realized that it's all in his head.

If this was the effect you wanted, I still feel it doesn't work. It just arouses confusion more than anything. At the moment of the window breaking and the fishline, I had to stop it and look back, confused, just to confirm that he did in fact break it.

It just needs something to let us know it's all in his head, and that it's not some strange world where all of this makes sense. Maybe a simple "look up thinking and FLASH cut to the paper clip"

A smaller problem was the pacing at the beginning and end of the film.

However it's a fun film. Good stuff.
Click to expand...

Thanks for that detailed critique. I actually do have a shot of exactly what you said (looking up, thinking) but decided not to use it because it thought the film was clear enough. I'm currently re-editing the film to be shorter, so I'll definitely keep this in mind.
 
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