"BAD BEHAVIOR" -- Short Film Script

TimCollins said:
I'm not sure I follow what you mean ?

And, that's okay, you don't have to drink to cheers. :beer:
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Have you seen "The green mile"? Imagine someone reading the script and saying that the flashback is too long :D (but it is a very different situation there) I meant that it is your choise to write something exactly as it is. Or rewrite. Or paint or take a picture. It works everywhere. Maybie I was mistaken. Maybie the flashback fits extremely good? Only you can really say.

In other words, I just wanted to say that you shouldn't take my thoughts too seriously. I hope you got the general idea of what I was talknig about.

Oh, and I know that you don't have to drink to cheers. It was just a bad joke.
 
Donatas.Kaulinis said:
Have you seen "The green mile"? Imagine someone reading the script and saying that the flashback is too long :D (but it is a very different situation there) I meant that it is your choise to write something exactly as it is. Or rewrite. Or paint or take a picture. It works everywhere. Maybie I was mistaken. Maybie the flashback fits extremely good? Only you can really say.

In other words, I just wanted to say that you shouldn't take my thoughts too seriously. I hope you got the general idea of what I was talknig about.

Oh, and I know that you don't have to drink to cheers. It was just a bad joke.
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Ohh, okay I get what you mean now. I had been thinking that part was a little drawn out already. I'll probably end up shooting the whole scene but once we're editing I'll see whether it works or not. Thanks for the advice.
 
i wanted those kids to get caught or killed!!! oh well... i dont know if anyone mentioned this but if the guy just got home then how is there coffee brewing?
 
hesh said:
i wanted those kids to get caught or killed!!! oh well... i dont know if anyone mentioned this but if the guy just got home then how is there coffee brewing?
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Yeah, I actually changed the ending to one of them getting wounded. And chances are, after not finding the wallet, that they did get caught eventually. About the coffee, the man had a minute or two once he got inside his house before he found Max. He came in the door and put the coffee on before Max entered the kitchen and chaos ensued. I will probably include these sequences in the film to reduce confusion.

Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it.
 
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i dont know tim, i think you should just lose the coffee all together it would probably be easier than have to write around it plus theres supposed to be like a -oh no hes pulling up gotta rush in and warn my dude- thing going on and i think if you mix that with shots of the other dude puttin' around and making coffee it would be and odd mix and who the heck puts on coffee after a hard days work, i think hed be more likely to grab a beer or something ( not that im implying you should add that). i know how hard the first thing you think of can be to let go of but if you brainstorm a little im sure youll find something that fits better. good luck!
 
hesh said:
i dont know tim, i think you should just lose the coffee all together it would probably be easier than have to write around it plus theres supposed to be like a -oh no hes pulling up gotta rush in and warn my dude- thing going on and i think if you mix that with shots of the other dude puttin' around and making coffee it would be and odd mix and who the heck puts on coffee after a hard days work, i think hed be more likely to grab a beer or something ( not that im implying you should add that). i know how hard the first thing you think of can be to let go of but if you brainstorm a little im sure youll find something that fits better. good luck!
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What you say makes a lot of sense. I'll be going through a "finishing touches" stage this coming week and will definitely take what you've mentioned into consideration. Thanks for the feedback!
 
I just finished it. Let me gather some thoughts, and I'll give ya more of a detailed review. I like the script, but there was a lot of cliche moments that need to be addressed. I'll email ya later with it.
 
RodThompson said:
I just finished it. Let me gather some thoughts, and I'll give ya more of a detailed review. I like the script, but there was a lot of cliche moments that need to be addressed. I'll email ya later with it.
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Oh, God, cliche moments, haha. That's my biggest fear besides someone telling me "This totally sucks". Definitely anticipating the review.
 
Okay, I'll keep it brief as I hate writing long winded reviews, recovering things that have already been covered. Lol. So, I went home last night and slept on the script (the brads were not good cuddlers) and over time came to this conclusion...

SCREW THE CLICHES!

Don't sweat them if they're part of your story. Just change them slightly to SOUND less cliche. I always try to find an emphasis on the way my characters refer to things in a story to make sure I'm not Goldfingering the exposition, or coming up with "happy accidents" to magically explain something.

Most notably, the cell phone scene towards the end...everytime someone is relying on a form of communications...it breaks or the battery dies. ALWAYS. Try to find a way around this, something creative.

(i.e. The cell phone hits the ground. Travis reaches for it when out of nowhere, an owl swoops in and picks it up like a varmint. TRAVIS: Are you f*cking kidding me?)

SERIOUSLY...People don't see that coming and a scene like that is a memory catcher. Readers will chuckle but at the same time be like, "Oh shi*!" Same dilemma...new way of looking at it. Another thing that bugged me and felt clunky:


"Mr. K is an illegal merchandise dealer on the black market."

While not overly cliche, it's very "I know a guy." In the movie Layer Cake, Daniel Craig's character refers to Morty as his "link to the criminal world." For whatever reason, his line stands out as something you could mold to make YOUR line ring a little better than what is already there. No one ever refers to someone as what they really are. When someone is talking about a guy they buy weed from, they rarely say, "I need to call Rufus. He's my drug dealer who has great pot." That is unnatural and stubbly. Find the happy medium between exposition and natural speech to make it very convincing. Here is my rewrite of that same paragraph of dialogue:

"When it came to moving goods that were hard to move, Mr. K was the one to see. From stereos to statuettes, everything he touched turned to dollar bills in our hands. Through him, we became more than common thieves. Through him...we were businessmen."​

Same notion...easier to read.​

Not ragging on you, because even stuff that I write comes out like it was written by a fifth grader, so I'm not tossing stones. It always takes a long break from the script or a second set of eyes to make me say, "Oh..." If you look at the first print-out of any of my scripts, you'll see a lot of "WTF were you thinking??? Are you dumb," written in my handwriting. :)​

Like I said, I could write you a ten page review, but it would be ten pages of repetition. Hopefully from this little revision I made, you can see the way to steer your script. Oh, and can some of the "f*cks," too much f*cking can distract people from the script. :beer:​

I look forward to the next draft!​
 
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