Liam Hall
Veteran
I’m a massive fan of zombie films, so I was really looking forward to watching the latest offering from celebrated Hollywood director, Zack Snyder.
After a perfect evening, steak dinner and a decent bottle of red I sat down to watch this much anticipated movie with the family.
Having had a couple of days to think about it, and not wanting to spoil the film for anyone, I do feel it necessary to offer some advice to those of you haven’t already seen Army of the Dead: DON’T.
Indeed, here is a handy list of things you can do instead, all of which will be a far better use of your time and infinitely more entertaining than watching this vast, lazy wasteland of ill-conceived dumb nonsense.
Paint your house with a nail brush.
Teach your cat a foreign language.
Invent a sport to be played in space.
Dismantle your car’s engine.
Recite the entire works if Shakepeare to your neighbour, backwards.
Visit Canada.
Count blades of grass in your garden.
Give names to your cutlery.
I guarantee, do any of the above for a more satisfying time than watching a film with a script, not so much written down or typed out as scibbled on the last remaining post-it note in the office with characters so thin they wouldn’t be allowed on a Paris catwalk.
My wife, who is far more intelligent than me, had listened to a radio review of the film so had the heads-up on what a pile of contemptible, derivative trite it is so decided to spend the entire movie counting how many times I said something you wouldn’t say in front of the kids. Apparently, I lasted 2 minutes before the first expletive.
Do yourselves a favour, heed my advice and avoid this movie like you would avoid the Zombie Apocalypse (which is coming BTW).
You can thank me later.
After a perfect evening, steak dinner and a decent bottle of red I sat down to watch this much anticipated movie with the family.
Having had a couple of days to think about it, and not wanting to spoil the film for anyone, I do feel it necessary to offer some advice to those of you haven’t already seen Army of the Dead: DON’T.
Indeed, here is a handy list of things you can do instead, all of which will be a far better use of your time and infinitely more entertaining than watching this vast, lazy wasteland of ill-conceived dumb nonsense.
Paint your house with a nail brush.
Teach your cat a foreign language.
Invent a sport to be played in space.
Dismantle your car’s engine.
Recite the entire works if Shakepeare to your neighbour, backwards.
Visit Canada.
Count blades of grass in your garden.
Give names to your cutlery.
I guarantee, do any of the above for a more satisfying time than watching a film with a script, not so much written down or typed out as scibbled on the last remaining post-it note in the office with characters so thin they wouldn’t be allowed on a Paris catwalk.
My wife, who is far more intelligent than me, had listened to a radio review of the film so had the heads-up on what a pile of contemptible, derivative trite it is so decided to spend the entire movie counting how many times I said something you wouldn’t say in front of the kids. Apparently, I lasted 2 minutes before the first expletive.
Do yourselves a favour, heed my advice and avoid this movie like you would avoid the Zombie Apocalypse (which is coming BTW).
You can thank me later.
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