Anyone want to read my short and then tell me I don't know what I'm doing?

Chris Johnston

Chris Johnston

Veteran
I've never writen a script. I have no idea what a script should look like format wise. I'm not a writer. I don't even know what Final Draft is really.

but........

I'm quite sick of shooting TV shows and PSAs and head and shoulders, so I wrote a short that I'm gonna shoot in the next XX days. Since I'm the shooter I never even thought about using a script program. (Just used note pad)

Any one wanna take a look at this 7 pager (or so) and give me some tips on.....

1) If the story is any good (1 to 10 scale)
2) Any tips on making the dialog better.
3) Can you see any emotional aspect in there?
4) Maybe even some help on the real format for a script.

I downloaded Celtx and did an import but it didn't really do anything but import the text. (yea, I know I'll have to do some reading about how to do it right.)

7 page TXT document

EDIT: This was written as a NO BUDGET thing
 
Okay, well... the formatting, obviously, was messed up, but I knew that would be the case going in, so that didn't affect me, it's just something you might want to read some articles on. The main problem was that the story lacked any interesting aspects to it. It moved at a relatively solid pace (normal for an indie, but it would be slow if this were a script for a Hollywood movie), and the dialogue varied from good to not-so-much. You'll have a lot of people say it's got no story, because the whole thing is expository narration. That could be fixed easily by showing all of these events instead of explaining them, but A.) that would require a budget, and B.) the events themselves aren't all that interesting to begin with. They would be, if they were prelude to an awesome story, but what you've got here is a post-apocalypse "moment" film (something that has no traditional narrative plot), only you haven't put enough effort into making this moment something we NEED to see.

Take a look at two films, for wide-ranging examples of a similar idea: Reign of Fire and The Road. RoF is a much more traditional B-movie action flick with a bit of drama thrown in and a long prologue explaining how the world got the way it is. Still, the prologue is interesting enough and what follows it is kinda interesting too, even if the film itself is relatively lackluster. The Road is an amazing film, but one which doesn't explain anything at all. Even the novel it's based on (by Cormac McCarthy) doesn't explain what exactly happened to turn the world into this vast, deserted post-apoc setting. It just takes that setting and launches right into an amazing story of a father trying to keep himself and his son alive, and his son trying to understand how to be in this world of endless nothing.

I know some of that is harsh, and trust me that it's a lot easier to give critical analysis of a script than to write a good one. So keep at it. If you think there's something in this script worth fighting for, then read some books or online articles about screenwriting and put a lot of effort into making your script the best it can be. For starters, look up books like The Complete Idiot's Guide to Screenwriting or Screenwriting for Dummies. Those will teach you format (which you can also learn online, but I couldn't be arsed to look up links on this). For a great writing resource (story articles, instead of format), check out Terry Rossio's "Wordplay" columns HERE.

Good luck, mate.

-JMT
 
Thanks Michael. I was surprised to didn't comment on the amount of VO. I thought this would be of concern for a lot of people but it's something
I wanted to have a lot of. (despite the normal "Negative" comments VO seems to get) More learnin to do....


Any others wanna tear it up?
 
Formatting is vital- it's hard to grasp the pace easily without proper formatting. Getting to grips with Celtx will help you the most. Write your script in Celtx and format it correctly from the beginning rather than importing it. Learn the keyboard shortcuts too, it'll help a lot.

With a short film, it's really important to think about where you're heading. Is it intended as a fun project that you'll post online? Or are you planning to apply to film festivals? If you're planning on a festival release with this one, I would also highlight the similarities to The Road, and also to Blindness (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0861689/). Just as with features, Short Film Festival programmers are looking for something fresh that audiences haven't seen before.

In terms of the writing, and putting the cause of the event aside, we need to know what this woman has that has made her a survivor. We see her doing some very archetypal 'female' things- worrying about her nails, observing a 'date night'- frankly, I would be offended if I saw this on screen as-is. Obviously she is very strong willed and determined, as well as being extremely nostalgic for her old way of life- it is these qualities that either need to lead to her redemption or condemn her. I think working on some character exercises before attempting another draft would be helpful. You might find too that once you know her character better, you'll be able to cut a lot of the VO.
 
Hi Beatrix and also thanks for taking a looking and letting me know your opinions.
I will certainly work on the formatting aspect. While it's not important to me as I will be the shooter, it apparently is something that needs to be done for the sake of the actors and anyone else that might be reading.

As for where it's heading.......I would certainly like to pop it out to a few festivals but my main thoughts were aimed at future projects. (I have a good chance at obtaining rights to popular property that would be great for a feature and I would definately need something of this nature to aid in the funding search)
My intent was simple because well, it's a short so there isn't a bunch of time for charator building. Just a simple story of a girl that is scared to death to venture out and find others. She finally overcomes her fears and ventures out, and finds someone else. While the story definately needs a tune up and polishing, my intent was to just get it blurted out and on paper first. (I'm a shooter NOT a writer so......)

I did find it interesting that you see her as "strong willed and determined" . I was thinking just the opposite as I was writing this. She's insecure, scared, unsure etc etc.

As for the "date night" scene, Can I ask why you found this to be offensive? Was it the act itself? or would it be better/ less offensive if it was inferred/implied rather than actually shown? (even though I planned on shooting the scene very NON grafically)
 
Okay, first off....don't describe every little thing like shots, cuts, camera angles, etc. It is VERY distracting. All we need is the story.

I don't see why the girl needs to give her name or her age in her introduction.

Write actual scene headers -- location, time of day, etc. When the girl wakes up, we have no clue where she is -- "CUT TO HER IN ANOTHER ROOM". Huh? She wasn't in a room, so how can she be in ANOTHER room? And tell us what room she's in. Bedroom? Living room? Sleeping in a bathtub? We have nothing to ground us in the reality of the story.

When you go to the flashback, we have no idea where we are. Are we still on the beach? Still in whatever room the girl woke up in? Obviously it's some outside place, but where? At least describe the surroundings. And again -- a scene header.

What appears to be a carrot? If it is a carrot, then just say it's a carrot. If it's not, then okay.

Starting with the man's dialogue brings everything to a screeching halt. I would have her approaching the man. He stands and looks at her. Then he pulls the gun. She stops short with "WHOA!" Then he can do his bit about God's message to him -- which is a bit hokey, but still. Then she can reply with her line "Look mister, I just want to talk."

He shoots at her, misses -- and all she does is 'back up and take cover'? I would think 'screams and dives for cover' would be more appropriate. And where does she find that cover? What does she hide behind? We have no frame of reference in reality for any of this.

If a man shoots at you 3 TIMES, you can forget about talking. Survival instinct has to kick in at this point. Fight or flight.

"She begs him to stop or she'll shoot him." First off, write the dialogue for this. Describe the actions. Second....shoot him with what? We haven't seen anything to indicate she has a gun. If she has one, she needs to pull it out first.

"Crying, she shoots him in the leg and runs away." We're just not getting the emotional content -- the power and impact that we should from this.

I confess, this is as far as I got. Way too much narration. Way too little description of people, places, etc. As someone else said earlier -- show, don't tell. If you have this much info to convey to an audience, then you have to find some better way to do it.

Keep at it!
 
Thanks for reading (partially) David

First, let me say that this is basically just a mind dump to get it on paper. I wanted to put shots etc in there so I wouldn't forget (or to remind me of) things I wanted.
I haven't done a lot of location scouting yet so what she dives behind is yet to be determined etc etc.
Non the less Thanks for the review and I'm in the process of correcting much of it.

CJ
 
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