Angelo's Girl
- Thread starter krestofre
- Start date
alex whitmer
Veteran
Looking forward to it, Chris. Your last entry was a great read.
pauly_the_hitman
Veteran
Waiting for more but still I know it will be good. Can't wait to read it.
Pauly
Pauly
CallaghanFilms
Veteran
You know I'm quite the fan of your work.
Lookin' forward to this one, pally.:beer:
Lookin' forward to this one, pally.:beer:
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
Hey Callaghan! Long time, no talk. I hope I don't disappoint. Angelo's Girl takes place in 1933 and is full of 1930's sensibilities, dialog, and action.
For eveyone else out there, here's a little background: A long time ago (Dramafest) I wrote a script that I hoped to get made, but didn't come to fruition. Callaghan and I are both big fans of classic Hollywood so that script was a hard boiled detective story in the spirit of Bogart. That script was called The Blue Dive, and in my spare time I'm turning it into a feature. So with the connection between CallaghanFilms and myself, I named the main character Jack Callaghan as a sort of inside joke / thank you. CallaghanFilms read over the script and gave it a thumbs up and was fine with the name.
I tell that story because Angelo's Gril is another script involving Jack Callaghan.
For eveyone else out there, here's a little background: A long time ago (Dramafest) I wrote a script that I hoped to get made, but didn't come to fruition. Callaghan and I are both big fans of classic Hollywood so that script was a hard boiled detective story in the spirit of Bogart. That script was called The Blue Dive, and in my spare time I'm turning it into a feature. So with the connection between CallaghanFilms and myself, I named the main character Jack Callaghan as a sort of inside joke / thank you. CallaghanFilms read over the script and gave it a thumbs up and was fine with the name.
I tell that story because Angelo's Gril is another script involving Jack Callaghan.
seansshack
Well-known member
Sounds like a solid idea/script.
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
For the last several weeks I've had two complete scripts with different takes on the same story. Last night my wife decided which one she liked better, and it was the one I was leaning towards, so that should count for something. One more pass for polish and I'm finished and ready to upload.
Russell Moore
Well-known member
Looking forward to the read Chris, I liked both of your last entries.
Good job, look forward to reading.
CallaghanFilms
Veteran
It's hard not to be biased on this one (what with Callaghan and all)...
All the same, Angelo's Girl was a bona fide ride through that period I so adore.
The dialogue was as crisp as it was authentic.
Yours was a true hard-boiled story...but the egg shoulda cooked more than 10 (pages) minutes.
***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"If Lumpy down in the garbage can knows, then it's not much of a secret now is it?"
Very well done:beer:
Oh and give my best to Callaghan
All the same, Angelo's Girl was a bona fide ride through that period I so adore.
The dialogue was as crisp as it was authentic.
Yours was a true hard-boiled story...but the egg shoulda cooked more than 10 (pages) minutes.
***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"If Lumpy down in the garbage can knows, then it's not much of a secret now is it?"
Very well done:beer:
Oh and give my best to Callaghan
A really good read. Dialogue was great.
The only thing for me is the end didnt really feel like an end, I felt there needs to be some kind of closure.
The only thing for me is the end didnt really feel like an end, I felt there needs to be some kind of closure.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Very well written, shame it is only a first half of a bigger film. Good stuff.
lawriejaffa
Veteran
Yep I quite enjoyed this, i'd agree with Noel about the lack of closure with the ending, but on the other hand, the character Jack was really entertaining and overall the story had me absorbed.
I think this will make a very entertaining feature eventually mate - well done with this and good luck on that.
I think this will make a very entertaining feature eventually mate - well done with this and good luck on that.
I'd totally agree with the others above about the end, although it doesn't necessarily hold it back.
It's a really nice script, comes to life off the page, makes sense and kept me in it. I think it moves a little too fast for itself, with Carmine coming in, and then a page later he's skipped town and we've been given a slightly tenuous A to B in order to get Jack in the right place for the story. That's really Noirish in itself, but it's quite a brief script so it made it more obvious.
But really liked it.
It's a really nice script, comes to life off the page, makes sense and kept me in it. I think it moves a little too fast for itself, with Carmine coming in, and then a page later he's skipped town and we've been given a slightly tenuous A to B in order to get Jack in the right place for the story. That's really Noirish in itself, but it's quite a brief script so it made it more obvious.
But really liked it.
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
Thanks for all of the comments. I really appreciate it.
I'm a little surprised with the comments on the ending. What is curious for me is that I have another draft of Angelo's Girl that almost got submitted where Angelo actually appears, and we find out what happens to him. It really does wrap the entire story up in 10 pages, but I rejected that draft because it felt too rushed. It felt like a character with the chutzpah of Bobby Angelo (to borrow a yiddish term) to be introduced and taken down in 10 pages was just too unrealistic. I'm wondering how that one would have played because it definitely has the closure that you guys are looking for.
Keep the comments flowing!
Thanks.
I'm a little surprised with the comments on the ending. What is curious for me is that I have another draft of Angelo's Girl that almost got submitted where Angelo actually appears, and we find out what happens to him. It really does wrap the entire story up in 10 pages, but I rejected that draft because it felt too rushed. It felt like a character with the chutzpah of Bobby Angelo (to borrow a yiddish term) to be introduced and taken down in 10 pages was just too unrealistic. I'm wondering how that one would have played because it definitely has the closure that you guys are looking for.
Keep the comments flowing!
Thanks.
Russell Moore
Well-known member
I had fun reading this script. I liked the story overall, it certainly felt like it could be something bigger. Enjoyed the dialogue. I thought you did a good job of making the characters feel real.
I'm a little torn on the ending. On one hand I liked the end with the line, Jack telling them to wait til tomorrow. On the other hand it feel like it lacked a little closure.
Overall I thought it was a really good read.
I'm a little torn on the ending. On one hand I liked the end with the line, Jack telling them to wait til tomorrow. On the other hand it feel like it lacked a little closure.
Overall I thought it was a really good read.
jefflebowski
Member
Well, I saw the ending a little differently than most, I guess. For me, this conclusion was the solidifying element in the construction on a typical noir film. Dames and crime, that's what it is all about. No lack of closure as far as I'm concerned.
I'v only read a few but this one is peppered with the most typical pulp elements so far. The parlance goes a long way to bring this point home. I enjoyed reading the story and it is written in a way which throws the reader into the world of Jack.
The only hole for me is what is Jack's present/past relationship with Viv. She starts off with wanting to slap him and by the end they are spending the night together. Perhaps a but more history here would help clarify. Also, did I totally miss the dream sequence?
Peter
I'v only read a few but this one is peppered with the most typical pulp elements so far. The parlance goes a long way to bring this point home. I enjoyed reading the story and it is written in a way which throws the reader into the world of Jack.
The only hole for me is what is Jack's present/past relationship with Viv. She starts off with wanting to slap him and by the end they are spending the night together. Perhaps a but more history here would help clarify. Also, did I totally miss the dream sequence?
Peter