Advice in the storm!

M

Mino

Northern Dreamer
I have to get this off my chest not so much to rant but more in hope that some of you may be experienced with a situation like it or can help by pointing to recourses to help deal with it. My girlfriends daughter and common law boyfriend have lived together for ten years or so and have now two kids, mortgage, car payments and all the goodies that go along with longtime co-habitation. It was never a union made in heaven but somehow it moved along. Six weeks or so ago, the daughter got into crack as a weekend binge type of deal, disappearing for a couple of days at a time then finally she left the household permanently, abandoning the whole scene. She began living with an old friend who used to be sweet on her and apparently still is. The only problem with this is that he is a hardcore recovering addict. The daughter is seeking treatment but as it turns out, that can take quite a while to put into place, in the meantime she continues to use. The boyfriend is doing his best to tow the line back at the ranch but is not equipped to deal with the world he now finds himself in. he is angry and malicious and phones my GF daily, two or three times ranting and raving calling the daughter every name in the book and threatening everyone within reach. The two boys aged 1.5 and three are suffering emotional abuse from the father due to his mounting problems financially and emotionally. My girlfriend has the children’s best interest at heart and makes regular trips to the house to visit and play with the boys and provide some relief from the mayhem. At the same time she is trying to work with her addicted daughter. For my part, I do what I can by consoling Dawn (my GF) usually a couple of hours every night, trying to be impartial and logical to keep the poor woman stable. I can’t be a lot of help as I’m up to my neck in a vast project that I’m slowly getting behind on. My GF does not want to lose the right in the fathers eyes to see the children so she has to suffer the call and ranting of a lunatic boyfriend who has already blocked her from having the boys for the weekend because he doesn’t trust her not to hand the boys over to their mother. What in gods name do you do in this mess? Believe me this could be a small novel here but that’s the meat of it. Any online recourses, ideas, helping words. I’m thinking maybe a forum for disgruntled grandparents? It’s going to be a long hard road for all concerning this mess and I only can do, or realistically don’t have the complete skill set to deal with it. Thoughts?
 
Coming from a broken home, I believe the following steps would be best for the children:

1) Dump the daughter in the forest and let the bears deal with it. She abandoned her children and should die accordingly.
2) Take the boyfriend to an alley and give him a master course in manners. He didn't have the wherewithal to buy a ring in ten years, so now he wonders why he's an unfit father? I recommend a wrench.
3) take those children and love them to death. the three year old isn't, but the 1.5 y/o might be young enough to forget it all over time. Give them a good home and a better life. Turn them into caring and fufilled men.

Don't leave the boys there. It might seem rough, but it has to happen. Get me a bus ticket and I'll do it myself. It's worth it.

I wake up every morning and take three little white pills that remind me what happens when your parents throw your life away.
 
I wish I could offer some advice but I have none. All I can say is good luck, and maybe its time to call CPS (or whatver Canada calls its child protection service)? just an idea...
 
"Don't leave the boys there. It might seem rough, but it has to happen. Get me a bus ticket and I'll do it myself. It's worth it."

I totally understand this sentiment and have been known to stay up late watching it unfold in some dark corner of my mind. The system creaks and groans then moves like a line of hamsters passing buckets of water to a three alarm fire...It's nuts! It's not in me to take him out but I get where you're coming from. The kids are the most important element here and I have no problem taking them in for shelter til the smoke clears. The unfortunate part is that they can no longer stay here for the weekend which was a small relief in the mayhem they endure at home.

Cheers
 
dory_breaux said:
I wish I could offer some advice but I have none. All I can say is good luck, and maybe its time to call CPS (or whatver Canada calls its child protection service)? just an idea...
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Thanks Dory...I have said all along that the system needs to me made aware of the problem if only to document it in the mainframe if you will and the Canadian version of CPS is a great thought...One I hadn't entertained. Good call...Thanks!
 
Hans Moleman said:
Coming from a broken home, I believe the following steps would be best for the children:

1) Dump the daughter in the forest and let the bears deal with it. She abandoned her children and should die accordingly.
2) Take the boyfriend to an alley and give him a master course in manners. He didn't have the wherewithal to buy a ring in ten years, so now he wonders why he's an unfit father? I recommend a wrench.
3) take those children and love them to death. the three year old isn't, but the 1.5 y/o might be young enough to forget it all over time. Give them a good home and a better life. Turn them into caring and fufilled men.

Don't leave the boys there. It might seem rough, but it has to happen. Get me a bus ticket and I'll do it myself. It's worth it.

I wake up every morning and take three little white pills that remind me what happens when your parents throw your life away.
Click to expand...

This may sound rough, but the sentiments are dead on. You will never regret protecting children, no matter what it costs you. There is very little that I'm exactly sure about, but protecting and nurturing children is always the only choice. Gain the Dad's trust, go to court if its warranted, or whatever, but never give up on a child. It sounds like you care enough to take this on.
 
I agree with the advice to help the children.

As for your GF's daughter: I only have six months of sobriety, but I've attended lots of meetings in that time and have heard all kinds of wild, strange and shocking stories from recovering alcoholics and addicts. Suffice to say, I have a few of my own...

The thing that freaks me out the most is hearing from crack addicts. Their stories seem to be the most desperate and intense.

I only know that it takes a decision on the part of the addict to make a change. Sadly, no amount of external pressure can persuade someone from throwing their life away.
 
Protecting the kids should be the only objective.

To that end, I suggest you NOT go to war with the boyfriend. Find someone (not your girlfriend) who can approach him and sympathize and be a friend.

Also, make sure that the kids are in fact in a bad situation, the rage and anger may not be extending to them. Make your own jacket, don't take anyone's word that they are being abused or suffering the consequences of the break up and addiction. Don't assume just because he's abusing your girlfriend that the kids are suffering -- although that does seem probable.
 
Unwarranted meddling in others' affairs is not something I usually condone. However, given that the father of the children has decided to take his **** out on you and your honey, gives you every justification you need in order to attempt to rectify the situation. As long as you're sure those kids are being negatively affected in any way, then I would say to do whatever you have to do to save them from enduring this situation on the frontlines any longer. These are the kids' main developing years and it would only hurt them, especially in the long run, to stay. (I come from a f*cked up place; if it wasn't for my great-grandparents, I probably wouldn't be around anymore..)

Be strong.
 
Even the worst case scenarios have a funny side and this is no exception...The boyfriend went for his first anger management meeting lately but stormed out of the session yelling "You're all poo pooing crazy!" I agree, the children come first and with the behavior I've witnessed so far from this man, my feeling is it's only a matter of time and mounting pressure before one of the kids gets hurt. If I were the boyfriend, I would ask the grandmother if she could see clear to taking the boys for a spell until I could get a handle on the situation. Unfortunately however, the man sees himself as a one man army that can deal with anything that comes his way. talking to this man was difficult before this ordeal, you never really got to speak....You just sort of listened politely for long spells as he babbled on about engines and cars.
My GF was at the house the other day and noticed the fish wasn't looking too good in his little tank, she mentioned that perhaps he might want to feed it...." That's her f***ing fish, let it die" was the response....It's not the fish I'm so concerned with but more the attitude toward a small defenseless creature.....Pisses me off!

My GF offered to come over on thanksgiving and make a turkey or ham for the boys and Dad, but Dad declined saying he didn't want all that poo pooing mess in his house.

I have advised my GF that this is like a two position switch...In the ON position you get to see the kids but you have to put up with the constant calls, yelling and abuse. In the OFF position you thell him to go F**K himself but you'll never see the kids again as long as he's in control of their destiny. It's a rock and hard place for her.

PS...For the record...Lately the boyfriend was heard saying of the daughter..."She doesn''t need ****ing treatment or detox, she just has to suck it up, move back in the house, go to work, clean this ****ing house and look after these ****ing kids!" Trouble is. whenever she's attempted to go near the house to see the boys, the father has done nothing but yell and scream calling her a "Crack Ho" not to mention many other things that I'll not post here, and all of it directly in front of the boys!
 
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Reading things like this makes my blood boil. Get those frickin kids out of there, keep them safe, and raise them properly...or they'll end up the same way.

If I was in this situation it would take a lot to keep me from beating the ever loving snot out of that guy if he was calling my daughter such things, and the kids. Even speaking in front of them that way would drive me absolutely insane.

No honor, integrity, or future...broken man or not and pity required...it's not a good environment for the kids (not like you don't know that). It's a no brainer honestly.
 
My heart goes out to you, Mino! You are in a tough spot.

But keep in mind, those boys are family (family extends past bloodlines). And right now you may be the only family they have. They need an anchor in their lives, and a mother on crack or a father that is unbalanced is not an anchor.

Explain to the father that you have the same reservations about the mother, and would never just hand the boys over to them, and MEAN IT. Addicts have some twisted logic and will do whatever the can to score their next fix.
 
My grandparents were in a similar situation years ago. My Aunt and Uncle were both on drugs and had three kids whose lives were being severely affected both directly and indirectly from the physical and mental abuse going on in that house. The yelling, screaming, fighting, breaking, destroying, etc, etc definitely has an impact on those young kids.

My grandparents knew the kids had to be taken out of there and it needed to be done where they (the kids) would not be constantly shuttled back and forth, twisted and torn between battling adults. So they went to court and fought for complete legal custody, which they got. They then went on to raise these boys as if they were their own sons ... and while they had struggles in their early adult lives, I believe the success they find now is a direct result of this intervention into their lives.

And, no the parent's are not to be abandoned, but yes, the kids are the #1 priority in this situation right now. Get the kids safe and protected, then do what you can to help the parents ... with the ultimate goal of someday reuniting the family, if at all possible.
 
I think working with and helping the boyfriend is prudent at this time due to him being the only functining parent. He has every right to be mad. In time, he will calm down but he is obviously transitioning into a new world and responsibility.

For the kids sake, be there for him. Help him, take the kids off his hands from time to time and let the daughter figure her shi* out.

He may have to go for full custody sooner than later if she continues to go down this path.

Help him because only she can help herself.
 
J.R. Hudson said:
I think working with and helping the boyfriend is prudent at this time due to him being the only functining parent. He has every right to be mad. In time, he will calm down but he is obviously transitioning into a new world and responsibility.

For the kids sake, be there for him. Help him, take the kids off his hands from time to time and let the daughter figure her shi* out.

He may have to go for full custody sooner than later if she continues to go down this path.

Help him because only she can help herself.
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The daughter is pretty much on her own but a mother it seems will never completely let go...My GF has done everything in her power to help this guy figure it out and get his act together but he is a mean guy with a massive ego...You can't tell him cos he already knows and you're just wrong anyway! Sure he's mad but that doesn't give him the right to be abusive to others especially those who are trying to help. Ideally...Yes, one would want to support his efforts and nobody here has any qualms about that. Mad I can dig, but biting the hand that want's to help is a no-no! Personally I hope he can steer through this mess and come out the other end with a chest full of medals but when I hear the ranting and raving and hateful messages he leaves on our answering machine I really lose touch with my Gandhi side.

PS..Don't get me wrong John, I totally subscribe to your viewpoint and have advocated the same in local discussion but the flames are hot and the emotion is running pretty high around here which doesn't make cool headed logic appealing to those with itchy trigger fingers.
 
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Terry_Lasater said:
I agree with the advice to help the children.

As for your GF's daughter: I only have six months of sobriety, but I've attended lots of meetings in that time and have heard all kinds of wild, strange and shocking stories from recovering alcoholics and addicts. Suffice to say, I have a few of my own...

The thing that freaks me out the most is hearing from crack addicts. Their stories seem to be the most desperate and intense.

I only know that it takes a decision on the part of the addict to make a change. Sadly, no amount of external pressure can persuade someone from throwing their life away.
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"I only know that it takes a decision on the part of the addict to make a change. Sadly, no amount of external pressure can persuade someone from throwing their life away."

This I believe, The decision to change has to come from within, no amount of external pressure can ever hope to accomplish this. I don't condone her actions but am always aware of the glass house I reside in. I could write for hours on this point but the long and short of it is not everyone can drive 24/7 on the freeway of social norms, some...Take detours. I don't believe in hangin because it could have been me! God willing, she'll work through it but the main focus has to be on the welfare of the children period.
 
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