A Toaster in Space

Chris Messineo

Chris Messineo

Veteran
I recently entered the 2005 Screenwriter's Challenge. There are 336 screenwriter's competing.

In the first round we were divided into 20 heats. Each heat was randomly assigned a genre and subject and given one week to write a short script.

My genre was "Sci-Fi" and my subject was "A Blind Date"

Here is the script I came up with: A Toaster in Space

I would love to know what you think of it.

Chris
 
I really enjoyed it. Sounds like you know what you're talking about when it comes to quantum physics/mechanics. Good use of flashbacks. I especially like when Thomas takes Sarah's hand in his. I can just picture the sensual feel of that scene in my mind. It reminds me of that scene in Jurassic Park when Jeff Goldbloom is explaining to Laura Dern about the imperfections on her skin. Great work.
 
Hey, that was really good. I liked it a lot. The characters felt real and their dialog was quite natural sounding.

I liked how you dealt with such complex matters as quantum mechanics and time travel in a way that felt like we were actually learning something, yet you didn't really tell us anything about it.

I also liked the "twist" at the end. I actually didn't see it coming, but once I saw it, it made perfect sense and fit in with the details of the story.

Good Job and Good Luck on the contest, let us know how you do.
 
Sounds like you know what you're talking about when it comes to quantum physics/mechanics.
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I know nothing. Glad to hear it sounds real though.

I especially like when Thomas takes Sarah's hand in his. I can just picture the sensual feel of that scene in my mind.
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Perfect, that is just what I was going for.

I liked how you dealt with such complex matters as quantum mechanics and time travel in a way that felt like we were actually learning something, yet you didn't really tell us anything about it.
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You noticed that. :)

I also liked the "twist" at the end. I actually didn't see it coming, but once I saw it, it made perfect sense and fit in with the details of the story.
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Thanks a lot, I love twists that still work even after you take a second look at them.

Good script. Really enjoyed it.
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Thanks again.

Thanks everyone for reading it and sharing your thoughts. I find out in three weeks if I made it to the second round. I'll be sure to let everyone know,

Chris
 
Very fun and enjoyable read!
Just food for thought - in modern screenplay writing "CUT TO:" really isn't necessary when changing a scene like the way you did. The reason I'm telling you this is because I've known some producers who have actually thrown out perfectly good screenplays like this one just because of little things like that (ESPECIALLY that). Sometimes it ticks producers off - judges may be the same way?

Very good stuff though!

Cheers,
Eric
 
Hey
I really liked that. I could imagine it the whole way through and it read like a good book kind of. Wanna write my zombie movie script??
Brian
 
Thanks for all the positive feedback.

About the "cut to", I've been told that before. I guess I need to stop. It's just that old habits die hard.

As for shooting it, I really like this story and it would be fun to shoot, but I don't think my skills are up to the task. The opening and closing shot are beyond me.

BTW, what does "verticle read" mean?

Chris
 
Hi, I wouldn't worry about the "CUT to", william goldman uses it--though it's true it's not really in vogue right now. I like using them sparingly, like when the transition is especially significant, something like this:

MIKE
I wonder where Bill is?

SARAH
Don't worry about Bill, he's fine no doubt.

CUT TO:

EXT. DAY 5,000 feet above Los Angeles

Bill clings desperately to a helicopter skid with one hand, the pilot is leaning out the window blasting away at bill with a 9mm.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

the contrast or amount of drama in the two scenes is significant, so for me, a CUT TO punches the story up a bit. for me anyway...

a "vertical read" means a script light on stage directions and esp dialog. no big multi line speeches, just short clips of dialog that yet still convey information. so in other words your eyes move vertically down the page instead of scanning horizontally line after tedious line. of course people like kevin smith and even tarentino are known for long dialog blocks, but as a general rule, less is more.
 
brianluce said:
a "vertical read" means a script light on stage directions and esp dialog. no big multi line speeches, just short clips of dialog that yet still convey information. so in other words your eyes move vertically down the page instead of scanning horizontally line after tedious line. of course people like kevin smith and even tarentino are known for long dialog blocks, but as a general rule, less is more.
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Cool, thanks for the insight. I've been told my writing is a "quick read", I guess that is the same thing.

Chris
 
Congratulations! I knew it was a good script :) Now, good luck on the 2nd round, 24 hour piece of the competition. I know you can do it :thumbsup:
 
I just read your script - very tidy, great economy of dialog and direction - it deserved 1st place. Please be sure to post your next script. I especially like how your writing does not "over-direct" and lets the director/reader use some imagination rather than boxing them in with too much detail. Less is more. I loved it. I'll stop rambling now.
 
CMessineo, do you have any feature-length scripts ready to go? Especially any that are brilliantly written and cheap to produce (one location, few characters, etc)? I'd love to see something else you've written.
 
Everyone, Thanks for the great feedback and support. I am very excited about this script and the contest. I would love to try and shoot this film, but alas, special effects are not my strong suit.

Barry, I just sent you a private message.

Chris
 
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