Valor

Your characters were very real and had nice depth to them. Not easy to do in a short format. I liked the characters a lot.

The plot wasn't the most compelling compared to some other entries, but it still worked for me. It had a dark but zany feel to it, which is appropriate due to your character being an escaped mental patient. I feel like you were experimenting with character and situation and not as worried about the standard plot structure that we're all supposed to follow. Yeah right. Sometimes you gotta just punch the rules in the nose and color outside the lines. You did this and I mean it as a complement.

The reason this approach works is that it puts the reader in a similar state of mind as your protagonist, Nick Valor. This gave the reading a surreal experience that I feel is sadly lacking in a lot of films and scripts these days.

Even though I never really got the sense that Valor had much of a determined goal, his strange personality and situation made me want to keep reading. Little details like the asian wife speaking perfect english in the bar and then when she is being interviewed, she speaks in a stereotypical asian-trying-to-speak-english voice was funny and made a certain commentary on how television exploits stereotypes and cliches. I got a kick out of that.

Bravo for trying something unconventional and slightly bizarre.
 
conlanforever said:
The hospital has a uniform guarding outside the door. A detective comes to talk to Valor, enters room, pulls back the curtain and Valor is gone.
Cut to the scene with the news braodcast and then maybe to Valor(arm,leg in cast, head bandaged) watching it on t.v from a bar or hotel somewhere, maybe listening to the newscast on radio, which he clicks off and rides into the sunset. Anyway just my two cents.
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i love this idea! it would fit with his character perfectly to somehow manage to escape even in a full-body cast! very funny. when i re-write it, i will try this to see how it sounds. thanks for your two cents... anytime :)
 
nektonic-

thanks for reading and putting so much thought into your review. i'm glad you liked it and i agree that the plot isn't one that really follows the typical format. originally, in my mind, the convenient store was going to be the climax and the script, as a whole, was going to take a more serious turn. but then i thought of how absolutely ridiculous and comical the scene was, despite the dead bodies, and this odd character who always manages to get himself in (and eventually out) of the strangest situations was born.

the characters and situations definitely drove this script; and i tend to love those types of movies... outlandish characters, hilarious situations, and great memorable lines. pulp fiction, true romance, sling blade, princess bride, and american psycho (i love the business card scene) are some obvious examples.

i already have many additional scenes in my mind, and, if i were to make this a longer film, i think i would have an overall story progression, but it would probably remain secondary to the individual scenes.

i'm glad you picked up on the wife's changing accent. it was a last minute add-on and i think it worked. :)
 
Fun script! The lead is a very likeable character. The plot is zany and entertaining.

I felt the end was a let down, and I prefer the idea that he's escaped the hospital room. Or perhaps at the end of the clusterf***, all the police officers, gang members, etc. are beaten to a pulp, but Valor is nowhere to be found.

Good work!
 
thanks jason! i'm glad you liked it and i am starting to think you are right... he should have so gotten away. and i think he still will. oh yes, he still will. ;)
 
Nektonic said:
Little details like the asian wife speaking perfect english in the bar and then when she is being interviewed, she speaks in a stereotypical asian-trying-to-speak-english voice was funny and made a certain commentary on how television exploits stereotypes and cliches. I got a kick out of that.
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jamiejay said:
i'm glad you picked up on the wife's changing accent. it was a last minute add-on and i think it worked. :)
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Yes this was definitely a nice detail. Not only did it seem to refer to TV exploiting stereotypes - I got the impression that actually she was exploiting the stereotype of herself, which made it even funnier.
Jason
 
I really liked the flow of the script. It had some great transitions and kept a great pace. Always in motion.

I would have liked to have seen some more motivation to the characters as to why they're doing what they're doing. That's very hard to do in a ten page script, though.

Congrats on a intriguing and fun ride!
 
jason-
yes, she was definitely exploiting the stereotype. good catch. :beer:

miata-
thanks for reading. glad you found it a fun read. i really was going for a more humorous, light-hearted story.

as for the motivations-

valor owes the mafia money and has a hankering for some powdered donuts.

ronnie is still a prostitute who wants money, and is even willing to turn in valor for a price.

the mob wants their money and the street gang members think valor is the convenient store killer who murdered their fellow gang members. the mafia contacts the street gang because they think they share a common enemy.

the man and his wife just like being on television at the end and the wife uses an accent in front of her husband... she most likely married him for a green card and she is playing him.

the man chasing the stolen car was mad because it was his car.

the drunk girl in the car was drunk and no one really knows how she ended up in the backseat... she could have been there when valor stole the car, which is how i had it in my mind, or she could have just crawled in there while they were getting a drink at the bar. doesn't really matter.

the newspaper man is scared because he recognizes valor as the killer.

oh... and the homeless men have no motivation. (haha)

did i forget anyone? i think all of these motivations were pretty clear, but i could be wrong because it can be difficult to know if the reader will pick up on all the details... maybe you are looking for something deeper? sorry, they are pretty shallow actually. and not altogether sane. but i hope that clears some things up for you.

thanks again for the feedback. :)
 
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lookin' forward to Valor pt. 2!
 
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