Angelo's Girl

Really enjoyed this. Solid storytelling. I really liked the ending. Worked for me and was happy with how it concluded. Does give the suggestion of something bigger - but fine with that as I want to read more.

Structure and formatting are all fine - although I would put VO beside the character names rather than below.

Characters are well developed and dialog is top notch and matches the pulp theme to perfection - all characters had individual/unique voices.

In all nice story, drew me in and kept me interested. Bigger story in here waiting to get out (I think).

Good luck.
 
Thanks for the continued comments everyone!

Peter, the script begins with a dream sequence. Everything in Rocko's bar is a dream and then Jack wakes up in his car outside the Grand Hotel implying that he fell asleep during the stakeout.

Thanks for reading!
 
Nice work, that was a very enjoyable read. The characters and their dialog fit perfectly for the period the story was set in. That alone immersed me.

The ending was good given that you explained that this is to be just a part of a larger feature script. The alternate ending you described might have been better to make this story self-contained. But yes, the 10-page limit would have forced it to be rushed, given all that was going on.

krestofre said:
Peter, the script begins with a dream sequence. Everything in Rocko's bar is a dream and then Jack wakes up in his car outside the Grand Hotel implying that he fell asleep during the stakeout.
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I also missed that the beginning was a dream sequence, probably because I must have a wrong idea about what a dream sequence is. In your case it seems to be a literal recounting of events that are critical to the story. I've been thinking of dream sequences as being a non-literal interlude, more like how people actually dream, possibly introducing insights or just more entertainment into the story. I also thought they had to be called out with "DREAM", such as:

INT. ROCKO’S BAR - DAY - JACK'S DREAM

I haven't seen that specificity in any scripts but mine, so I must have understood that wrong (got that idea from what I read in 'The Screenwriter's Bible').

Anyway, I can't wait until The Blue Dive hits the silver screen to learn more about Jack Callaghan's bright future! :)
 
Great script. This is so far the most easy to follow one I've read, and I liked it. The dialog was good... It had good tension...

One problem I had is I didn't feel it had an ending... we never really find out what happens at the trial, and that to me seems to be the main thrust of the plot.
 
I agree with the other guys about the ending. I can see how that's a really nice way of finishing it if you have the intention of carrying it on, but as a self contained story it was a bit of an anticlimax.

I also don't think the first scene counts as a dream sequence. There's no indication that it's a dream, and there is no need for it to be. The script reads as a cronological story that starts in the bar, then moves to the hotel a few days later.

Fantastic dialogue though. The banter between Jack and Viv was fantastic! Favourite lines - "Oh you bought me a present! / Sorry I didn't have time to wrap it"
 
Brandon Rice said:
we never really find out what happens at the trial, and that to me seems to be the main thrust of the plot.
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Hm ... that's an interesting comment. In my mind the thrust of the plot was protecting Vivian. It's interesting that you latched on to the trial so strongly.

Thanks for the last round of comments guys!
 
A really good linear story, easy to follow, keeps you involved, great dialogue. My criticisms are those already mentioned - the ending and the dream sequence that I didn't realise was one until I read it here. Nothing much to add. Good work.
Jason
 
Think about it visually. We're watching the events at Rocko's bar. Carmine says "Jack, it's Viv." Then wham! Hard cut to Jack waking up in his car, shaken by the events that he lived and have been haunting him in his dreams. Jack even says something to the effect of he can't stop dreaming of the conversation with Carmine.

To me it seemed a very fluid way to include a dream sequence into the script and make good use of the pages by communicating plot and character information at the same time.

If I'm wrong, it's not the first time, but that's my case.
 
krestofre said:
Think about it visually. We're watching the events at Rocko's bar. Carmine says "Jack, it's Viv." Then wham! Hard cut to Jack waking up in his car, shaken by the events that he lived and have been haunting him in his dreams. Jack even says something to the effect of he can't stop dreaming of the conversation with Carmine.

To me it seemed a very fluid way to include a dream sequence into the script and make good use of the pages by communicating plot and character information at the same time.

If I'm wrong, it's not the first time, but that's my case.
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Yes, definitely, going back and re-reading you realize it's a dream. Above all, as you say, because Jack says he can't stop dreaming in his V.O.. But it could just as well not be a dream too, the script would work just the same - just leave out that comment in the V.O. When it comes down to it I don't think it really matters - the script works well and that's what's important.
Jason
 
Page 2

Great line …

JACK
OK Joey, good one, now I’ve got a
marriage to break up.

Typo here …

I’m not proud of it Jack, but you
work cases like mine for as long as
I have and for what?

Should be ‘worked’ or ‘have worked’

Page 4

Another greatline …

The guy likes knives. I hate knives.

Little confusion on INT/EXT for the car scene with Jack.

And this …

Jack Callaghan. I’d slap you if that wasn’t so cliché.

Golden!

Another good line ...

VIVIAN
Oh no! That’s between me, the
D.A., Angelo, and a jury of​
Angelo’s peers.

Real good story, Chris. Really has a nice mix of old fashioned noir and some pulpy pulp. All great characters, easy to relate to and like. You build up a nice antagonist without every introducing him in the flesh.

I had to read a few times to pick up the subtlty of the dream as well. Could be read a few ways, but nonetheless, great job with the dream.



aw​
 
alex whitmer said:
Typo here …

I’m not proud of it Jack, but you
work cases like mine for as long as
I have and for what?

Should be ‘worked’ or ‘have worked’
Click to expand...

Thanks for your review Alex, I really appreciate it. On the above, it is a typo, but it was an intentional one in Carmine's speech.

Thanks again!
 
hey Chris... i just read your script and then through this thread, and it looks like most everything's been covered. good writing, good story, entertaining. i apologize for the short review, but it's waaay past my bedtime already. i'm going to re-read tomorrow, maybe i'll leave another comment if something catches my eye. thanks for entering. :)
 
For the genre - Mafia in the 30's - it seems to me a well written story. You visualized very well the characters, so it was easy to enter in the story. It took my attetion the whole time, because the story also flows well. Above all very enjoyable. :)

Susanne :bath:
 
sorry it's taken me so long to review your script.

i really liked it. great mood and story line. i think using the dream sequence to help tell the story is clever, but i can see why others might have issue with it. also, it would be nice to have some closure on the trial, but if the rescue of viv is the main focus, then i think the ending is sufficient.

nice work! :)
 
I liked this one a lot. The character of Jack Callaghan is well developed. So much so that I was a bit bummed that you didn't pack in more stuff for him to do and ended at the top of page 8. I get the feeling that Callaghan can kick some ass. I'd love to see him get into a shootout or a car chase.

The ending still worked for me though, even if it is a bit anticlimactic, so no problem. I got the idea that Jack's goal was to save Viv. Enough for a short script.

I can't think of anything that didn't really work for me. I had a good time with this case. I'd like to see more from Jack in the future.

A minor nitpick -- you put the voice over indication in the parentheticals and not next to the name of the character. Shouldn't it be next to the character or is it okay to do either as long as you are consistent?
 
Thanks for the feedback everyone!

Nektonic, I was taught that VO goes in a paranthetical. I have seen produced screenplays using both methods, so until someone paying six figures for one of my scripts tells me to put it with the character name, I'll stick with parantheticals. :)
 
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