Solstice - by preston
- Thread starter preston
- Start date
pauly_the_hitman
Veteran
Good luck hope you finish on time...
Pauly
Pauly
wow.... amazing poster!
Yeah, beautiful shot.
Horncastle
Well-known member
Glad your in - I look forward to reading it.
Jason
Jason
david jerome
Well-known member
Great story Preston. Great twist. Did Gina leave him the money instead of giving it back to the wife because she liked him and hopes to see him again when he is single? Just curious.
I have one major question for you. Have you seen my blue crab?
I have one major question for you. Have you seen my blue crab?
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
Nice twist. This was well written and an entertaining read.
The only suggestion I'd make would be to bring the wife into the story earlier. Detectives like this are traditionally not married, so that was kind of a surprised when he referenced his wife. Maybe if at the beginning she called him on the phone while he's looking at the magazine and asks him to bring some milk home or something. Then the phone rings again and he's like "Yes honey, I'll get the milk," but then it's Gina on the phone. Just a thought.
The only suggestion I'd make would be to bring the wife into the story earlier. Detectives like this are traditionally not married, so that was kind of a surprised when he referenced his wife. Maybe if at the beginning she called him on the phone while he's looking at the magazine and asks him to bring some milk home or something. Then the phone rings again and he's like "Yes honey, I'll get the milk," but then it's Gina on the phone. Just a thought.
jamiejay
Well-known member
*SPOILER ALERT*
Great job with getting the whole macho detective feel down. I love the note at the end. Great twist with her being hired to seduce him. You could just tell that something wasn't right. Interesting characters and a writing style that flows. I really enjoyed it!
Great job with getting the whole macho detective feel down. I love the note at the end. Great twist with her being hired to seduce him. You could just tell that something wasn't right. Interesting characters and a writing style that flows. I really enjoyed it!
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preston
Well-known member
yeah, i should've planted the wife in the beginning - good call. i guess it's stories like this that make these guys "not married", haha.
*SPOILER ALERT*
Great job with getting the whole macho detective feel down. I love the note at the end. Great twist with her being hired to seduce him. You could just tell that something wasn't right. Interesting characters and a writing style that flows. I really enjoyed it!
thank you, jamie. :-Happy(DBG):
DarkElastic
Well-known member
It seems to be the favourite story basis of this Pulp scriptfest - PI's.
Very good script, very well written with a good twist. There was one tiny niggle and that was when the bartender said :-
It’s hard to say, man.
The man bit seemed out of place and un-necessary.
Very good script, very well written with a good twist. There was one tiny niggle and that was when the bartender said :-
It’s hard to say, man.
The man bit seemed out of place and un-necessary.
lawriejaffa
Veteran
Hey there great little story, nice little twist - and yep I too wondered at the situation as it unfolded and it all came together quite neatly.
I'll maybe contradict one suggestion about planting the wife in earlier - i mean these 'paint by numbers' type setups are not always necessary, it also gives us far less time to adjust to the expectation of any twist.
Its like the war movie where one solider takes out a photo of his wife and kid - you know he's gonna buy it
So i think you got it just right.
I'll maybe contradict one suggestion about planting the wife in earlier - i mean these 'paint by numbers' type setups are not always necessary, it also gives us far less time to adjust to the expectation of any twist.
Its like the war movie where one solider takes out a photo of his wife and kid - you know he's gonna buy it
So i think you got it just right.
alex whitmer
Veteran
Enjoyed the story a lot, and agree it was a nice twist.
I would have like to have seen a little more battle of wits going on. For a detective he fell into the trap a little too easy. Those guys can 'smell a rat' from a mile away - most anyways.
Make Gina work a little harder, almost lose him, maybe even have her really want to see this guy 'fail and go for the tail'. Have Det. Heart really battle the temptation before he jumps in.
This ...
DET. HEART
(looking at his watch)
How fast can you get there?
*From here you could leave off the rest of the dialogue/salutations, and go right to Jacks. Adds a little punch.
Dialogue was a little dry at times, especially at Jacks. I think you could add a little snap to it - like I mentioned, a battle of wits.
Not sure why she needs to be married to a cop.
In the note she told Heart he can 'keep it all'. Not sure what she was referring to. She already paid him a days work, as agreed.
Also, she would have wanted some proof. Photos? A recording via cell phone? Something to seal the deal.
I'm going to read it again ...
alex
I would have like to have seen a little more battle of wits going on. For a detective he fell into the trap a little too easy. Those guys can 'smell a rat' from a mile away - most anyways.
Make Gina work a little harder, almost lose him, maybe even have her really want to see this guy 'fail and go for the tail'. Have Det. Heart really battle the temptation before he jumps in.
This ...
DET. HEART
(looking at his watch)
How fast can you get there?
*From here you could leave off the rest of the dialogue/salutations, and go right to Jacks. Adds a little punch.
Dialogue was a little dry at times, especially at Jacks. I think you could add a little snap to it - like I mentioned, a battle of wits.
Not sure why she needs to be married to a cop.
In the note she told Heart he can 'keep it all'. Not sure what she was referring to. She already paid him a days work, as agreed.
Also, she would have wanted some proof. Photos? A recording via cell phone? Something to seal the deal.
I'm going to read it again ...
alex
CallaghanFilms
Veteran
Nicely done:beer:
You painted a nice pulp mood using an array of atmospheric colors.
The dialogue is clean, crisp - and you have what is easily one of the top (if not the top) dream sequence(s).
***SPOILER ALERT***
My major qualm is the lack of (exposed) motive for the wife to pay big money to set him up. For instance: If she were rich (and infidelity was a pre-condition of the pre-nup) - then the payoff would be even more devastating. Seeing as then he would be left with nothing.
That being said, I really enjoyed this baby alot.
Favorite Line:
"Guess you'll have to wait, girly."
You painted a nice pulp mood using an array of atmospheric colors.
The dialogue is clean, crisp - and you have what is easily one of the top (if not the top) dream sequence(s).
***SPOILER ALERT***
My major qualm is the lack of (exposed) motive for the wife to pay big money to set him up. For instance: If she were rich (and infidelity was a pre-condition of the pre-nup) - then the payoff would be even more devastating. Seeing as then he would be left with nothing.
That being said, I really enjoyed this baby alot.
Favorite Line:
"Guess you'll have to wait, girly."
preston
Well-known member
hey thanks for reading... with the bartender, i was trying to go for some thinly disguised "false sympathy" - like he is sooo tired of guys asking him about women all the time, but he supposes he should sound like he gives a damn (as in "the customer is always right"). i can try some different line there, see if it works better. what would you suggest?
again, thanks for reading, and for commenting... i look forward to the feedback so i can see what works and what needs polishing.
preston
Well-known member
Hey there great little story, nice little twist - and yep I too wondered at the situation as it unfolded and it all came together quite neatly.
I'll maybe contradict one suggestion about planting the wife in earlier - i mean these 'paint by numbers' type setups are not always necessary, it also gives us far less time to adjust to the expectation of any twist.
Its like the war movie where one solider takes out a photo of his wife and kid - you know he's gonna buy it
haha, good point about the soldier/war movie. i'm glad you enjoyed the story and it's twist... thanks for reading.
preston
Well-known member
hey Alex, thanks for reading. i thought i would get slammed for the twist -especially how it was delivered- but most people seemed to think it was ok. i'm glad you liked it.
as for him falling into the trap so easily, i was hoping he would come across as a guy who has most likely done this before, probably several times. at this point (in his life), he might not even really care if his marriage ends, for him it's been over for a long time... explains the girly mag, and why Regina didn't have to work very hard to get him upstairs. i'll have to work on developing this more. (suggestions welcome!)
she's not really married to a cop, it's all part of the act to get him to take the case. same with the money. the wife gave her the money as (more) bait.
the "proof" was absent, yes. maybe there's an envelope on the nightstand with some juicy pics in it... probably the next thing he saw after the note.
thanks for your comments and suggestions; i hope you still like it the second time!
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