Heh I hope so. Thanks for the comments.
"Days of reckoning"
- Thread starter Noel Evans
- Start date
Heh I hope so. Thanks for the comments.
Im a bit pumped. I have the pleasure of knowing someone locally who is a bit of a screenwriter lets say - just had a script bought by a large production company so its bound for Hollywood.
But I asked her to read it last week via email and just got this back
"That is good, .............. you have a real talent for writing something that is so visual."
But I asked her to read it last week via email and just got this back
"That is good, .............. you have a real talent for writing something that is so visual."
Ill add.... she never said anything negative so maybe held that back. hmmmm.
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
That's true! Your script for Scriptfest 1 had the same qualities. I've only read two of your pieces, but if I read them through for story purposes I miss things. I have to make the film in my head as I'm reading to get everything out of your stuff.
I appreciate your PM and replied with a few thoughts. Additionally I'd like to add that the tone of this piece reminds me a lot of Vanilla Sky. You seem to be dealing with some of the same basic pieces.
Anyway, good job with this entry!
Russell Moore
Well-known member
*SPOILER ALERT*
I read this script twice and I liked it. It gave me a lot to think about.
I thought you did a really good job with the characters and showing their relationship. I cared about them both.
One little thing and it's small. When there is the confrontation between Paul and the "bum", there is an inconsistency in relation to the distance between the two.
Paul gets knocked out right next to his car, then the bum is over him, Paul then cringes up against the car. This is no problem. But after that, the "bum" gets closer, closer and closer and then moves a few meters and manages to get behind Paul. It doesn't seem like there was enough space between the two to begin with for all this forward movement.
Maybe if Paul had actually managed to get up and back away from him or something like that or the "bum" wasn't that close to begin with.
But this is minor and overall it didn't really affect the story for me. I liked that you told a story that's foundation was a relationship between two people and that it carried a lot of emotional impact. I was moved by it and wanted to find out how it was going to turn out for the couple.
I read this script twice and I liked it. It gave me a lot to think about.
I thought you did a really good job with the characters and showing their relationship. I cared about them both.
One little thing and it's small. When there is the confrontation between Paul and the "bum", there is an inconsistency in relation to the distance between the two.
Paul gets knocked out right next to his car, then the bum is over him, Paul then cringes up against the car. This is no problem. But after that, the "bum" gets closer, closer and closer and then moves a few meters and manages to get behind Paul. It doesn't seem like there was enough space between the two to begin with for all this forward movement.
Maybe if Paul had actually managed to get up and back away from him or something like that or the "bum" wasn't that close to begin with.
But this is minor and overall it didn't really affect the story for me. I liked that you told a story that's foundation was a relationship between two people and that it carried a lot of emotional impact. I was moved by it and wanted to find out how it was going to turn out for the couple.
mjjason
Well-known member
This was a good read overall. The emotions and history between Paul and Sarah definitely came through the writing. The pacing and the flow of the script were well crafted which made for an easy read.
I did have some questions and issues:
1) Prior to Paul "seeing", his real life for him and Sarah was great. At least that is how I read the first scene. It looked like Paul was only suffering nightmares but in his waking life he and Sarah were happy. So why was the bum driven to make Paul see? By seeing it would bring his world crashing down. Sure he can at least than work to rebuild it but if someone is naive to the facts of there life than they wouldn't be bothered by it.
2) Who is the bum actually? I assume he is a supernatural being like an angel or something but he just came out of nowhere. Also, the howling before he was introduced made me think of him as someone sinister or monster-like as opposed to some angel or something.
This for me seemed to hurt the script as it felt like it went against what you were trying to do. Like I said earlier the script itself is well written it's just that I don't fully get the concept and overall story.
I did have some questions and issues:
1) Prior to Paul "seeing", his real life for him and Sarah was great. At least that is how I read the first scene. It looked like Paul was only suffering nightmares but in his waking life he and Sarah were happy. So why was the bum driven to make Paul see? By seeing it would bring his world crashing down. Sure he can at least than work to rebuild it but if someone is naive to the facts of there life than they wouldn't be bothered by it.
2) Who is the bum actually? I assume he is a supernatural being like an angel or something but he just came out of nowhere. Also, the howling before he was introduced made me think of him as someone sinister or monster-like as opposed to some angel or something.
This for me seemed to hurt the script as it felt like it went against what you were trying to do. Like I said earlier the script itself is well written it's just that I don't fully get the concept and overall story.
MiataFilmSomething
Well-known member
I liked the message in this script. Seems like there are a few loose ends to tie up, such as the true identity of the bum, and how he's flashing back and forth between visions.
You did a great job of conveying the relationship between Paul and his wife.
Someone else posted some Vanilla Sky similarities; I saw the same.
The film is a little hard to understand just by reading it. I'm sure if it was made, it would be a lot easier to follow. There's some great opportunities in this for some cool effects and camera angles.
You did a great job of conveying the relationship between Paul and his wife.
Someone else posted some Vanilla Sky similarities; I saw the same.
The film is a little hard to understand just by reading it. I'm sure if it was made, it would be a lot easier to follow. There's some great opportunities in this for some cool effects and camera angles.
Noel - you're an excellence writer- the way you use your words is incredible!
However the Sci- fi element was not fully engage!
The story would of been stronger if we had an idea who this bum was!
Or where he got his abilities.
BUT still a great script!
At one point I figure he was just drunk all those years!
and the thug might of hit some sense in him!
However the Sci- fi element was not fully engage!
The story would of been stronger if we had an idea who this bum was!
Or where he got his abilities.
BUT still a great script!
At one point I figure he was just drunk all those years!
and the thug might of hit some sense in him!
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Guys thanks so much for reading it. I really loved everyone comes away with the questions that were deliberately left. I tried to keep questions that wouldnt effect the body of the story but would leave people with something they could take away from the story and keep it with them.
Conlan I see your point and a word change could fix that. Appreciate you pointing it out.
I wont allude to who the bum is, I think its better that people can define him for themselves, but his deed was to help.
mjjason Onyour first point - you clearly understood and its an age old dilemma I guess, if someone cant see the truth and are happy, then why interfere? Lately I have been reading a few Chinese books about life under Maos communism in the early days and on. One of the issues that touched me was the common people in many cases had a certain perspective on how life was, and the impact on them when they realised it wasnt what it seems was devastating, mostly at the hands of the party. So I formed the view from that and in my own experience: know the truth first and then you can work within the reality of your situation. And again, one of the big things from those books, was hiding the reality from the people. This was the inspiration for the story, but put into a western subtext people could more easily relate to.
And then of course you can see Sarah is also being effected by Paul not being able to see what he did to her, which I tried to portray by giving her the crutch - smoking, the dialogue requesting cigarettes and her bs line about quiting tomorrow, then when the **** hits, I showed her nerves along with her smoking. She was living a fine line so to speak.
Judgement - I never set out to write a sci fi piece as I chose to use the more twilight zone elements as Isaac set out in the rules.
Thanks again all.
Conlan I see your point and a word change could fix that. Appreciate you pointing it out.
I wont allude to who the bum is, I think its better that people can define him for themselves, but his deed was to help.
mjjason Onyour first point - you clearly understood and its an age old dilemma I guess, if someone cant see the truth and are happy, then why interfere? Lately I have been reading a few Chinese books about life under Maos communism in the early days and on. One of the issues that touched me was the common people in many cases had a certain perspective on how life was, and the impact on them when they realised it wasnt what it seems was devastating, mostly at the hands of the party. So I formed the view from that and in my own experience: know the truth first and then you can work within the reality of your situation. And again, one of the big things from those books, was hiding the reality from the people. This was the inspiration for the story, but put into a western subtext people could more easily relate to.
And then of course you can see Sarah is also being effected by Paul not being able to see what he did to her, which I tried to portray by giving her the crutch - smoking, the dialogue requesting cigarettes and her bs line about quiting tomorrow, then when the **** hits, I showed her nerves along with her smoking. She was living a fine line so to speak.
Judgement - I never set out to write a sci fi piece as I chose to use the more twilight zone elements as Isaac set out in the rules.
Thanks again all.
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Further to judgements comment - I have also seen from others in a few peoples threads - wasnt really sci fi so I wanted to point out the OFFICIAL RULES on genre.
Genre: Science fiction (This is broad, you can encompass fantasy or more twilight zone elements.)
Genre: Science fiction (This is broad, you can encompass fantasy or more twilight zone elements.)
I believe you to be a great writer and the script is honestly excellence work however
Self realization could of been the method use.
Example: Paul and his wife is out to dinner and everyone is staring at her and he has no idea why until he is force to attempt the truth.
Or the bum could of been her brother who beats Paul into realization.
Self realization could of been the method use.
Example: Paul and his wife is out to dinner and everyone is staring at her and he has no idea why until he is force to attempt the truth.
Or the bum could of been her brother who beats Paul into realization.
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Captain Pierce
Veteran
Noel,
Let me say up front that I have a little trouble following scripts that deliberately leave questions.
So it took a few reads, but I think I know where you're going with this (and I won't spell it out here even with a spoiler warning), and if I'm anywhere close to right, the end is a very interesting setup for where this could go now that the veil has been lifted.
I like your writing style, but the one thing I want to comment on is the very line you quoted earlier:
"Paul’s once high school sweetheart and now wife. She sleeps soundly."
The conventional scriptwriting wisdom these days says to put nothing in a script that can't be seen. Now, I don't necessarily agree with this, as I think a description like this is useful to the actor, but this is really the only example of gratuitous backstory that I see in the script, so I was just wondering if you put that in deliberately or if it's just a coincidence.
Let me say up front that I have a little trouble following scripts that deliberately leave questions.
So it took a few reads, but I think I know where you're going with this (and I won't spell it out here even with a spoiler warning), and if I'm anywhere close to right, the end is a very interesting setup for where this could go now that the veil has been lifted.I like your writing style, but the one thing I want to comment on is the very line you quoted earlier:
"Paul’s once high school sweetheart and now wife. She sleeps soundly."
The conventional scriptwriting wisdom these days says to put nothing in a script that can't be seen. Now, I don't necessarily agree with this, as I think a description like this is useful to the actor, but this is really the only example of gratuitous backstory that I see in the script, so I was just wondering if you put that in deliberately or if it's just a coincidence.
"Paul’s once high school sweetheart and now wife. She sleeps soundly."
The conventional scriptwriting wisdom these days says to put nothing in a script that can't be seen. Now, I don't necessarily agree with this, as I think a description like this is useful to the actor, but this is really the only example of gratuitous backstory that I see in the script, so I was just wondering if you put that in deliberately or if it's just a coincidence.
There is one exception to this rule and that is character introduction. But per your PM you got the story 100%.
So for example.
"BIG JOHN the mechanic. He's a stocky, tough, 30 year old. He knows his business like no other. " The last part about him knowing the business like no other, would be out of place anywhere else, but as a character intro its quit acceptable.
Noel
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Cheers to whoever added the stars btw.
pauly_the_hitman
Veteran
I really enjoyed the story and the message it conveyed. Good job.
Pauly
Pauly
STYLZ
Well-known member
Well, I'm slightly confused as to who exactly the bum was and how Paul couldn't see Sarah for who she was until this guy came along. I'm sure this would come across a lot clearer in visual form though. I thought this was well written. Had a really good emotional impact as well. A life lesson is in this story. Thanks for sharing.
jamiejay
Well-known member
I liked your writing style. This reminded me of the film with Sandra Bullock called Premonition for some reason. I guess it was the scarred face and the car accident.... I also thought of The Others with Nicole Kidman, where the main character also had to "see" that her loved ones had been hurt at her own hands.
There are a couple of issues I have that maybe you could clear up for me. I'm not really sure what the mugging had to do with the rest of the story. And I do wish it was more clear about the bum, his identity, abilities, and motives. I'm assuming his wife was drinking as well and that's why he had to drive?
I could see how this was a bit of a twilight zone plot... but I wanted the opening of his eyes to lead to something better, not worse... a revelation that would lead him to make a better choice of some sort... like maybe he could save her in some way. Finally being able to see his wife's scars and what he did to her shouldn't lead to a "confident and smiling" Paul. I could be over-thinking it... I tend to do that.
But there is a lot you could do with this and it is definitely visual
There are a couple of issues I have that maybe you could clear up for me. I'm not really sure what the mugging had to do with the rest of the story. And I do wish it was more clear about the bum, his identity, abilities, and motives. I'm assuming his wife was drinking as well and that's why he had to drive?
I could see how this was a bit of a twilight zone plot... but I wanted the opening of his eyes to lead to something better, not worse... a revelation that would lead him to make a better choice of some sort... like maybe he could save her in some way. Finally being able to see his wife's scars and what he did to her shouldn't lead to a "confident and smiling" Paul. I could be over-thinking it... I tend to do that.
But there is a lot you could do with this and it is definitely visual
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jamie not offended at all. As i said I believe its merely a style thing, you and I of course are different and see things different. SO no problems at all.
Stylz thanks for reading and commenting. Appreciate your thoughts.
seansshack
Well-known member
Formatting wise: unless a shooting script, scene numbers are not needed.
Descriptions: Unless we could see it as a viewer (not reader) don't write descriptions. Example "Paul’s once high school sweetheart and now wife. She sleeps soundly." As viewer how would we know she was the high school sweetheart?
Would also break up the description paragraphs. (larger ones, make em smaller) - for some reason these days. Screenplay readers are obsessed with vertical writing and white space on the pages (basically they want scripts to be easier, faster reads).
Good story that works well. Reminds me too of "Premonition".
Only question is: Who was the Bum? He just appeared and was the key to explaining the story. But we have no idea who/what/why from his end???
Descriptions: Unless we could see it as a viewer (not reader) don't write descriptions. Example "Paul’s once high school sweetheart and now wife. She sleeps soundly." As viewer how would we know she was the high school sweetheart?
Would also break up the description paragraphs. (larger ones, make em smaller) - for some reason these days. Screenplay readers are obsessed with vertical writing and white space on the pages (basically they want scripts to be easier, faster reads).
Good story that works well. Reminds me too of "Premonition".
Only question is: Who was the Bum? He just appeared and was the key to explaining the story. But we have no idea who/what/why from his end???