Critique needed on comedic scene....

Mike Manning

Mike Manning

Well-known member
Hey guys, so If any of you checked out my last post with the guy eating celery...here is the entire scene. it's the beginning of my next film entitled, Celery.

www.beginningmiddleend.com/celery/scene2.mov

My main concern is that the ten minute scene's dialogue can't carry it. granted, I think the scene is hilarious, being that i directed and cowrote it. But i'm looking for objective opinions...

Is it too long? Not long enough? Is it funny? Etc. etc.

PLLLEAAAASSSSEEE WATCH IT. I want all the feedback I can get. Even if you start it and turn it off before it's done...let me know. Thanks...I look forward to hearing from you all.
 
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The guy in the blue shirt sounds like a douche bag version of Quentin Tarantino, I was annoyed with him rather quickly. Too much dialogue between the two guys with nothing really achieved other then showing they are assholes, which can be shown in seconds.
 
The problem I see is that the main characters aren't all that likeable. It's possible to make a comedy where the characters are jerks, but they need to have the charisma to make it interesting.

The dialogue picked up with the discussion of celery, but the guy eating the celery wasn't believable. You could tell he was just acting. The best timed line of the scene came when the guy in the white shirt said, "maybe he's just retarded."

If I were you, I would cut out the beginning about the girls, or shorten it substantially because it causes me to dislike the guys before the celery dialogue even begins. You don't want to start out two strikes against you before you get to the heart of your dialogue. Hope that helps.
 
Wasn't a fan. I agree with harmonica that Blue shirt was basically Tarantino, but doesn't talk as fast or interestingly so he was annoying/stupid instead of annoying/funny. He just seemed to be reading straight from the script.
 
This is interesting...
Both my, and the writer's, expectation was that the two guys would come off more empathetic....we thouhgt for sure that people would relate to them more than hate them. That's interesting.

Some background on the scene:

These two guys are not the main characters... Rachel is (the girl that yells at them). She ends up coming back to them later in the script because she realizes how cruel she is...and those two called her out on it. This scene makes more sense in context, I suppose.

As for the guy in blue shirt's acting? I'm really suprised by all the hate for him. We actually held auditions..and this guy had us cracking up. He is exactly what we wanted for the role. His overacting is very intentional - and a lot of it unscripted. A master at ad-lib.

Please keep the feedback coming....
 
I guess I can kind of see the relation to QT in the guy in the blue shirt, but while I was watching it, he sounded more and more like Randal from Clerks. But, as others have pointed out, he was a complete and utter jerk, whereas Randal, while a jerk, is probably the most likeable character in Clerks simply because he's got the comic timing and don't give a damn attitude we all wish we could have/not get fired for having.

I also thought the conversation about the guy dying was rather callous, though, from personal experience, not all that unrealistic.

What I do know though, is that I didn't laugh once during the entire piece, but I rarely watch entire clips on this site. So it wasn't funny (to me), but it held my interest enough to see it through to the end. Take that how you will I suppose.
 
I did'nt like it... there is no original caracther.... I mean I see what you try to achive but is just has no quemistry... it sounds blend where it should off be rather quickly and spontaneos...Look they werent natural that's the whole thing... everything was to push

best

Martin
 
a porno?

thanks wivellicious. the new sentiment that im developing for this scene is that while the characters may not be likable...they are interesting and engaging. Which to me, is just as important.

out of context from the rest of the film, this scene doesn't really hold its own...but i do believe that there is a certain charm to it. especially in relation to the other encounter Rachel has with these characters later in the movie.

however, if this is not the case, i've been talking with the writer....and we've decided that it might be cool to show the kid dying as theyre talking about him. that way, instead of just being callous or mean....it's exagerrated to the point of disgust.

we'll see....


more feedback, please...
 
My feedback...

My first thought was that the blue shirt guy was too unbelievable. He definitely has potential, but I just wasn't feeling it in this sequence. The whole thing dragged on too long... 90% of it could have been cut. The dialogue felt like a bad Tarantino rip-off.

As far as the production, I was extremely distracted by some of the over the shoulder shots. I felt like the camera was about to fall off of the tripod for some reason. It just seemed like those shots were too elevated and not tight enough on the character delivering the dialogue.

Cool location, though.
 
that chic rocks. loved her attitude. the dark hair dude i liked. he reminds of the guys from harold and kumar go the white castle.

i agree it was too long. the sex talk in the beginning. i really enjoyed. jerks? hell no. not talking about sex like that.. were men. they became jerks later on in the scene.

the 14" line is priceless.
 
so have you shot the rest of the film yet? i'd be interested in seeing clips from some other scenes.
 
wow

well, a few comments which have already been stated

too long, shorten it up, ALOT. The intro diaologue when the girls walked over was strangely written and didnt make much sense, " hi, whats your name, im waiting for my boyfriend.... " seemed out of place.

I bet you could cut that up though, get it about at least half as long and it would be much more interesting.

your actors are alright though, but the guys give off way too much of a "trying to be funny on camera" which took away its humor for me. The blonde dude threw too many of his lines away, and delivered his lines the same way everytime which made the scene sound like a broken record.

Well shot though, the sould was pretty good, but i would remix some of the audio, i noticed you used the audio of the character being shot, and sometimes with the same mic placement picked up the other character talking, so it made their line delivery hard to hear.

and the blonde chick? Couldnt hear a thing. Overdub that shizzle.

kewl vid tho.
 
hey thanks guys, a couple of things.
I know its too long. and I really wish i could cut stuff...and i did cut a fw things here and there....but its still close to ten minutes long. here's the problem. Everyting they say has to do with the rest of the movie. there is a lot of subtle exposition in that dialogue that is integral to the movie. th eonly thing i can say or do at this point....is trust that it'll work as a whole...or rewrite the movie.

and i have planeed to do some adr work. just once the whole movie is done.

as far as other scenes from the movie... ill have a new scene up this week. we did a scene last week...but im not too happy with it...so we're gonna reshoot it. but maybe ill post a little bit.
 
....with everybody on the Tarantino bit.... I didn't like either guy. Lighting was kinda boring. Too flat for my tatse. Dialogue wasn't interesting for me either...but if you say there's a ton of exposition there...maybe it'll work in context. Standing alone...not so much. Probably too late reshoot...but.... a suggestion might be to change up the shots during the scene....You leaned on your over the shoulder shots too much...so they became stale. Let your dialogue be your cue for moving in for CUs etc....or use cutaways of business around the restaurant during a transition in the conversation.. maybe give them some business..... cigarettes....a mannerism, tick, quirk or something unusual about a character can help them come to life. Eating french fries isn't enough.....What happened to the audio when the chicks came over to the table? There was a considerable drop in volume and I lost some of the dialogue..... I dunno....just my observations. Keep hammerin away, man!... not sure I coulda done better.
 
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