Your thoughts on this..

I thought it was somewhat confusing. I assume it was supposed to be, but overall, it seemed more confusing than mysterious.

I think I would recommend starting with Gale and Nicholas all ready arriving at the prison, and I wouldn't show that they are armed until they start shooting Cobb. That would be pretty surprising.

What happened to Nicholas? How did Gale get away from the Prison Guards?

I agree with trying to keep the goings on mysterious, but there were so many characters that are being introduced and then killed off that it feels like I am missing something. It doesn't necessarily feel like there is a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes, it feels like scenes / relevant information have been cut out of the script and that I am missing something.
 
Hmm. I see what you're saying. I was sort of feeling that too much happens too soon. Perhaps a few additional scenes need to be introduced. I agree there doesn't seem to be a lot of depth but then again, it is really just meant to be an action flick. I haven't seen a lot of action movies that did have much substance to them. I was just thinking about "Shoot 'Em Up." Pure action for actions sake. The dialogue was terrible and there was so much exposition and my God, I understand suspending disbelief, but man it was too much. I definitely want more than that for this script. Thanks for the feedback. Anyone else?
 
You jump into a running story, which is OK, but the rest of the film must show that story. So the story type is probably a "whydoneit?"

Also if you want to make something different then you should start by dropping the Hollywood clichés. First, I'd say that guns on an alter in a Church is just absurd. And thinking that two men could just walk into a prison carrying guns is equally absurd. Drop this gun cliché and you have two men that have to kill this guy with nothing but their bare hands. That's much more personal and a sets up a better misdirection for the start of the story.

The street trash girlfriend is also a cliché. If there is a reason for it fine, but if she is just there for color then drop her.

If you've never seen it then rent or buy "The Professional". It's a great action film because it's a drama masquerading as an action film. It does have a few clichés, but they are given enough depth to make them real.

Best of luck to you...

Bob
 
I see what you mean. Just last night on my way home, I started thinking about the prison scene and all of the sudden, it did seem absurb. I'm totally changing that part to better suit the movie. I took the gun scene out of the beginning as well. I feel more tention in it now. Like there's more build up to something. I appreciate the comments. It's interesting to me in that I've had a number of people say how much they liked it and I shouldn't change a thing and others have had the opposite opinion. I guess at some point, I just need to finish it and start on another. Don't want to rewrite the same screenplay all my life. Thanks again.
 
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