You guys with family.... how do you tackle away time?

legrevedotcom

legrevedotcom

Veteran
Ok, first off let me say I know I need to talk to my better half about things like this. But for me personally I always find it valuable to hear colleagues thoughts about specific topics.
I bet a lot of you are a parent and a husband / wife, so I know you can put yourself in my place.

I've just been contacted about getting involved in a pilot for a tv series, and since I've always wanted to do fiction instead of just ads and still photography, I see this as getting in through the backdoor.
However, my better half have previously scolded me... even for just long days, tossing in small remarks like "your son had a great day" or "we had so much fun". I try not to get upset or let myself be affected by it, but ofcourse she knows I can't help it.

My dilemma is... I finally found out at the age 30something what I want to do with my life, and that might include away time like these potentially 3-4 days.
How do you guys handle this? Do you just go and take what ever heat might come this way? Or do you try to talk your way through it? I know the latter is the best option, but trust me, I've been there before and I always end up feeling bad even if she sort of oks a trip.
This dilemma is causing me to think my life over... I know I had some rough years, my parents being separated, but in the end I've turned out fine and love them both and respect their new life.

It almost boils down to dreams vs. family, because I'm not 100% a family guy even though I love them all three.

Any thoughts or input is most welcome.
 
If you're going to turn it into your dreams versus your family, your family is going to lose. Dreams are an idealized fantasy. Family is reality. And reality sucks a lot of the time. It can also be pretty great. Every time I have this battle in my head and my heart I remember, as much as a hassle raising a family can be, it can also be pretty awesome, and I think of how crappy it would be to not only not have my dreams not come true (which let's face it, they might not, those are just the odds), but to not have my family because I gave them up chasing a fantasy. I'd rather try and make it with them then without them...Being gone a few days a month shouldn't be a big deal. Just try and be present when you are home, and do your share of the housework, especially if your wife works as well. Remember, your wife probably has dreams as well. If she feels the marriage is inequitable, and that she is carrying the whole burden of raising the family at the expense of her own dreams, she'll likely get pretty damn angry. Fairness is very important in a marriage.
 
Batutta said:
I'd rather try and make it with them then without them...Being gone a few days a month shouldn't be a big deal. Just try and be present when you are home, and do your share of the housework, especially if your wife works as well. Remember, your wife probably has dreams as well. If she feels the marriage is inequitable, and that she is carrying the whole burden of raising the family at the expense of her own dreams, she'll likely get pretty damn angry. Fairness is very important in a marriage.
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Some of the best advice I've read in quite awhile... pay attention! Do the right thing, when you have children, it's not all about you anymore.
 
ZazaCast said:
...it's not all about you anymore.
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But your ambitions couldn't be more "about" you.
A family that doesn't savvy and support that won't last in the long run anyhow.
Repression is never healthy...but repressed dreams lead to terminal soul cancer.
 
CallaghanFilms said:
Just be glad you're not a writer.
Then even being at home wouldn't mean you were at home...
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Ha!....True, and it's why I could relate to the question. I'm home all the time, but that doesn't mean I'm always present. That's the struggle I've had in my marriage. But you need to be fair to your loved ones. As long as they are fair in return, I think it's something that can be managed.
 
CallaghanFilms said:
But your ambitions couldn't be more "about" you.
A family that doesn't savvy and support that won't last in the long run anyhow.
Repression is never healthy...but repressed dreams lead to terminal soul cancer.
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Yes, but that's different than what was being asked. If they don't support your dreams in any way, obviously that's a problem. But you have to support THEIRS as well. You do that by giving them your time. You get what you give...Alot of guys think, well I put bread on the table and that should be enough. It's not, you have to be there for them emotionally as well.
 
Batutta said:
Yes, but that's different than what was being asked. If they don't support your dreams in any way, obviously that's a problem. But you have to support THEIRS as well. You do that by supporting them and giving them your time. You get what you give.
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By the nature of the artistic beast(s), one of two scenarios should play out.
Either:
A) your "dreams" by means of size und scope alone take precedent (in which case your family is fully on board...and it is up to you not to poo poo it up/derail the whole thing.)
-or-
B) both hubby and little lady have similar artistic ambitions, in which case full and mutual understanding would kinda be a given.

Outside of those two goings-down (when it comes to something as grandiose as filmmaking), something's got to give...and, more often than not, does.

:beer:

Edit:

You know me, Sinatra isn't the only "Frank" I associate with...
 
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CallaghanFilms said:
By the nature of the artistic beast(s), one of two scenarios should play out.
Either:
A) your "dreams" by means of size und scope alone take precedent (in which case your family is fully on board...and it is up to you not to poo poo it up/derail the whole thing.)
-or-
B) both hubby and little lady have similar artistic ambitions, in which case full and mutual understanding would kinda be a given.

Outside of those two goings-down (when it comes to something as grandiose as filmmaking), something's got to give...and, more often than not, does.

:beer:

Edit:

You know me, Sinatra isn't the only "Frank" I associate with...
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I don't know, I'm not sure what this guy's entire situation is like. Sounds like he's already considering divorce, which isn't a sign of a healthy marriage. Also, he's jumping into filmmaking a little later in the game, which is a different situation. If I hadn't already had ten years unencumbered (just the wife and I) to make my dreams happen, perhaps I would feel otherwise. I'm currently at a point where I can juggle things, and my financial and job situation allows me to do that pretty easily. Other people have harsher realities to deal with, and between work and family life, have little room for anything else. In that situation, yes, something's gotta give. If it's not that situation, then you just have to carve out your personal time. It seems counterintuitive that in order to get the time, you have to give the time first, but that's what works for me. Put in your hours with the family, and they'll respect your time.
 
Do you just go and take what ever heat might come this way?
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Is there a tangible paycheck involved here? Or is this a flight of fancy? Because if your are making money, that's what you need to do to put bread on the table. If this is a deferred pay gig or whatever, I don't think most wives would be cool with it.

I'm lucky because I'm in a give & go situation. My wife travels quite often as part of her job. And for me, this year has been amazing. (anybody remember my thread where I said I quit shooting weddings? Never looked back.) I have been traveling quite extensively for gigs. (legreve, our situations are certainly different, my jobs were corporate and most definitely paid, not narrative work.)

that might include away time like these potentially 3-4 days.
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I don't think that is a big deal in the grand scheme of things.


because I'm not 100% a family guy even though I love them all three.
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I'm right there with you. There's a lot of compromise in a marriage

But your ambitions couldn't be more "about" you….Repression is never healthy...but repressed dreams lead to terminal soul cancer.
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At this point I can't remember if I had any dreams. Raising two kids has sucked the life out of me.
I agree with Zaza, it's not about….well, what he said.

PS: Even if you are working your ass off, "away time" rules. :beer:
 
Batutta said:
I don't know, I'm not sure what this guy's entire situation is like. Sounds like he's already considering divorce, which isn't a sign of a healthy marriage. Also, he's jumping into filmmaking a little later in the game, which is a different situation. If I hadn't already had ten years unencumbered (just the wife and I) to make my dreams happen, perhaps I would feel otherwise. I'm currently at a point where I can juggle things, and my financial and job situation allows me to do that pretty easily. Other people have harsher realities to deal with, and between work and family life, have little room for anything else. In that situation, yes, something's gotta give. If it's not that situation, then you just have to carve out your personal time. It seems counterintuitive that in order to get the time, you have to give the time first, but that's what works for me. Put in your hours with the family, and they'll respect your time.
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Fair enough.

...& true, no two paths ever wound the exact same way;
But they all in turn did go by way of Sacrifice Trail.

Edit:
Then again, many don't make it & "die" in them there woods...
 
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CallaghanFilms said:
Then again, many don't make it & "die" in them there woods...
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Yeah, but, I say how you make it is just as important as making it. I may not get there, but at least I'll have gotten other pleasure out of life if I don't. If that lessens my chance of success then so be it.
 
This might add a little insight... worth the watch.

Dreams and aspirations are something you need to have throughout our life...some you get...some you don't... nobody ever said it would be easy. You're not special.
Some of the most miserable people I know are those who have gotten everything they have ever wanted....only to want more. Find the passion in what
you already have and nurture it. "Selflessness is the best thing you can do for yourself."

Talk to your wife and listen to what she has to say...what she wants out of life...what you both want for your children and hopefully that's an important part of your life.
You can do the things you want to do, but they might not happen on your schedule....or at all....but you shouldn't stop striving for your passions!

A man can fail many times, but he's not a failure until he quits.

:beer:

Or... you could enter the contest!
http://www.wellesleymedia.org/video-contest.html
 
Zaza, I'm saying some uncustomary dreams require some uncustomary sacrifices.

One having the ambition of owning his own home (or even his own business) cannot be compared to that of breaking in to the film biz.



Of course, I am assuming the talent itself is there in this hypothetical...
 
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Just to play devil's advocate...Even if you do give up your family to pursue your dreams, there are other things to consider. I imagine your wife will want child support. You'll have to work to provide it as well as provide a life for yourself. If you want to maintain a decent relationship with your kids, you'll need to split time with them. Both of those things may not leave you as much time to pursue your dream as you might think. You need to ask yourself if you're marriage really is so terrible, and the situation so untenable that this is a better alternative than finding a compromise. But don't think you can just walk away and never have to deal with them again, unless you don't care about them at all. Then you can just change your name, get plastic surgery and move to another country.
 
Figure out your priorities. Make a solid decision. Follow through. Be responsible for your choices: realize that every decision you make is your decision, and nobody can "force" you to do anything - in other words, if you do or don't do something, it's because you made the conscious choice, not because you were coerced by any person, ideal, or emotion. If you decide you love your wife, love your wife always. Appreciate and value what you have over what you wish you had, and in my experience you'll be a far far happier fellow.

History is replete with examples of people "living their dreams" who are utterly miserable, and probably just as many examples of happy people with wonderful relationships in modest occupations. We have an entire generation now retiring on nearly nothing and bankrupting the world because they bought into their own lie of immediate self-gratification and comfort being paramount, and we'd be wise to NOT follow their example in most instances. Not to go off on a rambling preachy tangent or anything....
 
For me I started being gone for just a few days, then later on it went to a few weeks, then a few months.
After that I came to the conclusion the max time for me to be away on a job is 7-10 days unless they are with me, anytime after that just gets too hard- I start to really miss my family and I know they really miss me (I have 3 little girls).
Everyone's family dynamic is different, you do what you have to do- just dont put your dreams ahead of your family and youll be fine. My wife and I talked about it and the best way we can make it work is for us to move close to her Parents so she has their support when I have to go work somewhere.

Personally, I think 3-4 days is totally ok, but if its not ok with your wife, it probably shouldnt be ok with you. Sounds like you and your wife just need to have a talk about it.
 
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