Wise King Midas Second Draft

E

ericcommando

Member
Ok Folks, here's the second draft of Wise King Midas. Thanks for y'alls suggestions. I think you'll see that I changed it a lot to reflect your ideas. keep em coming. Particularly I cut down on the description A LOT. I cut three pages from a twelve page script in just descriptions. Here it is.:Drogar-Mark-07(DBG)
 

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This …

EXT. MOSAIC – DAY

Sand HOWLS, washing over the mosaic of a man kneeling next
to a golden girl. A woman in white with golden hair and arms
raised looks down on them.

Few problems here.
  • what do you mean EXT. MOSAIC ??
The EXT. needs to be where the mosaic is being viewed, such as a wall in Rome.
  • Avoid using ING form verbs when at all possible.
‘ A man KNEELS next to a golden girl …’

This …

EXT. DARK ROOM - CONTINUOUS

It says EXT. but I assume we are INT. a dark room.

You follow it with this …

YOUNG MIDAS stands in a dark room staring straight ahead.

You already mentioned DARK ROOM in your slug, so you do not need to mention it again.

Also, what does young MIDAS look like, age? If he is a historical character every school kid should know about, put it anyways.

This …

NARRATOR
Once upon a time, before the nations
of Greece or Rome ever existed but
after the time of Babylon the Great
there was a kingdom. This kingdom
had a ruler. His name was Midas.

This should be

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Also, the dialogue is a little confusing. Before and after? Is there a better way to write that?

This …

A crown is placed upon YOUNG MIDAS as he bows his head


Who is placing the crown??

This …

NARRATOR (CONT'D)
Now above all Midas loved gold. He
yearned constantly for it and he
would do anything for it. So war was
his life.

You do not need (CONT’D). Just clutter, and it should be obvious anyways. I would change the ‘would do anything for it’ to ‘would do anything to get it’. Makes it more desperate.

This …

YOUNG MIDAS stands on a hilltop with the wind BLOWING in his
hair. He seems to be surveying everything in front of him. A
general whispers in his ear.


Again, can the ING verbs. Rewritten, it should look like more like this …

YOUNG MIDAS (age) stands on a hilltop. The wind BLOWS in his
hair. He surveys everything in front of him. A
general whispers in his ear.

Note also I took out ‘seems to be’

Either he is or he isn’t. The audience isn’t going to know SEEMS.

This …

YOUNG MIDAS
(with sudden ferocity)
Attack!

Who the hell is he talking to???

This …

NARRATOR
The only other thing which Midas
loved above all was his daughter,
Zoë, who he considered his own little
goddess.


But I thought he loved GOLD above all??? Need to avoid using similar EMOTIONS when explaining this. Confusing me. And goddess should be Goddess, with a capital.

This ...

Lot of issues here …

ZOE runs GIGGLING from something, trying to hide the flowers
she is holding. Breathless, she halts. She looks about,
searchingly. Suddenly, from behind her, MIDAS jumps and brings her to the ground, tickling her as she drops the flowers. MIDAS is a strong man, large, and regal. The grey in his beard gives away his age.

1. More ING.
2. Giggling from something? Is the Director supposed to make something up AD LIB? It’s your responsibility as a writer to fill SOMETHING in with a SPECIFIC.
3. Finally we get to learn what MIDAS looks like, way after we have met him.
4. Looks about, searchingly??? Also avoid too many LY words. If I were directing this, you might get a phone call as what exactly you meant by ‘searchingly’

This …

ZOE
Oh, Father, now you've ruined my
beautiful, golden flowers!

Shining example of OTN dialogue. You can do better.

This …

How much fairer would be your flowers
were they of real gold, Zoë?

Are you trying to speak as if in old tongue, or is this a typo? Also, why the umlaut in this zoë, but not the others??

Also, best to avoid having characters say names. It really isn’t that common in real conversation.

I’ll do more later. I think this needs a lot of work before it’s ready for marketing. In all honesty, it feels amateur.

Kindly,

Alex
 
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