Very short short feedback. 5 minute read

J

johnnypb

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Hey guys, I was assigned a short project in my Film class at school. The teacher is one of those weird ones, and we had two "prompts" to choose from.

1. Capture the essence of someone in a short film

2. Say something about "black" in a short

I was planning on using the first, but this morning had an idea i liked very much for the latter.

EDIT: Forgot to mention, there is no dialogue. This is one of my first screenplays, and I figured I was not ready to tackle dialogue yet.


So, here it is. PLEASE let me know what you think. All criticism, positive and negative, is fully appreciated.

http://files.filefront.com/Blacktxt/;12963243;/fil
 
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A good basic artsy story. Remember to capitalize characters the first time they are mentioned (man=>MAN, businessman=>BUSINESSMAN, old lady=>OLD LADY; then after first mention you can use Man, Businessman, Old Lady), write more actively (see Rainey's Craft Notes), and break up your paragraphs into shots we would see as viewing the movie-- action paragraphs should rarely go beyond 4 lines if possible. Just my opinions, use or lose.
~randall
 
Awesome! Thank very much. Although, my teacher claims to be an industry professional (keyword claims haha) So basiclly im at her whim as far as formatting goes.

Was the symbolism of the sun clear enough? I didn't want to bash it over your head by putting in another scene where its just the horizon, but its all dark. So I just added the small bit with the window. Should it be clearer or did it suffice?
 
Well I am not sure how that scene with the sun would work out as far as filming, which means maybe you need to be more specific in that opening scene. You write:

EXT. SKY - DAY

The sun is burning brightly in the sky, slowly the sky fades
black until the sun can no longer be seen.
​
If the sun is burning brightly in the sky (and of course the sun is in the sky, it is never anywhere else-- but you might specify where the sun is, high in the sky or low on the horizon), hows does the sky then fade to black? All in a matter of seconds. That seems like a contradiction. Or rather does the sun rapidly descend to the horizon (and what is there-- trees? buildings? ocean?), then the sky blackens, all going dark?


johnnypb said:
Awesome! Thank very much. Although, my teacher claims to be an industry professional (keyword claims haha) So basiclly im at her whim as far as formatting goes.

Was the symbolism of the sun clear enough? I didn't want to bash it over your head by putting in another scene where its just the horizon, but its all dark. So I just added the small bit with the window. Should it be clearer or did it suffice?
Click to expand...
 
Ah, I thought that scene was a little vague.

I'll try to depict the image I see in my head: The sun is in the middle of the screen, and darkness slowly fades in from the edges of the frame. Eventually the all the light from the sun, and the sun itself is enveloped in darkness.


Thank you for pointing that out. Does it make more sense now?
 
I agree with RO's points. Some extra ones would be:

1.Be careful of adding redundant information.

E.g. The man enters the lobby from outside

Where else is he going to enter from after coming directly from the scene on the street?

"The man enters the lobby" is enough. Longer more descriptive sentences are not always better if they saying stuff I don't need or care to know.

2. Make action about the character, not the reader.

E.g. "The footsteps of someone running for the elevator are heard, and the man presses the
"door open" button"
should be: "The man hears someone running for the elevator, he presses the door open button."
See how punchy it becomes? It's a much faster read for your audience and if you are being marked on script, that's important.

3. Give the characters a name, even if it is Tom, Dick or Harry, even if the audience of the finished product isn't to know the name. Man, Businessman can get confusing and it also distances you, as a writer, and the reader from the characters.

Lastly, I'm not quite sure what this is about. I get the whole darkness is the absence of light, but how does this translate with the rest of your story? Does this mean that the characters are dark, or only the man hitting the child? Who are we meant to feel the most sympathetic towards in this flick? Screenwriting and movies are about emotion, evoking a response from the audience member. I come away from reading this script and I only care in the last 5 lines of it, I should care from the first character. Something should draw me instantly to want to know MAN (see how sterile that is - give him a name!)

No1. Screenwriting rule - Make me care!
 
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