Untitled Bonnie&Clyde Project --- Desperate need of feedback

[AJ Brooks]

I have a draft that I'm feeling pretty good about for my short film (see attachment) but I really need an outside perspective.

I feel the character developement is quite strong for such a short script, but I'm not sure if it's coming across as well as I think it is.

Any feedback is welcomed. Hopefully it's as constructive as possible.

It's 14 pages long...so not too daunting.

Thanks!

 

[c.g._eads]

Hey AJ,

Not bad. Here's what I would say. I enjoyed the first scene because of the obvious mystery. I enjoyed the cop coming and revealing who the guy is. What I did not like was everything in the bedroom. I thought it was weird and a little jarring for this woman to just start taking her clothes off. I understand that she's seen him in town, and may have even built him up as a fantasy, but the way the script is currently written, it doesn't quite work. Maybe if you had a couple lines earlier to imply that she's attracted to him.

In addition, I felt like she started revealing way too much for only having known this man for 10-20 minutes. It didn't feel authentic. Particularly the line about the tear falling down the cheek slowly and her pretending it's a hug. It felt melodramatic, which - I don't think - is what you were going for. I think a much better approach is right when her bruise is revealed and he asks her if it's her husband she says, "yeah", or nods and then says something like, "It's not a big deal." And of course, we can tell from her eyes that is a very big deal. I think that plays better than revealing her soul to someone she's just met. Just an opinion though. In summary for that scene, I'd write it more minimally and be a little less overt with her coming on to him (if she comes on to him at all).

The scene with the husband at the table is the best scene and I think this should be longer and the centerpiece of the movie. Really draw this out because you very nicely set up the conflict here, particularly when he wants to check the trash for the picture of the man. I was very into this moment and was a little upset that Ward was able to get out of it so easily. I think you could draw this out and make it a lot tougher for your hero to escape.

The ending was good. So just focus on those other things and I think you'll be golden. Good job and good luck!

 

[AJ Brooks]

Great! Thanks for the detailed feedback. It's very helpful.

What I did not like was everything in the bedroom. I thought it was weird and a little jarring for this woman to just start taking her clothes off. I understand that she's seen him in town, and may have even built him up as a fantasy, but the way the script is currently written, it doesn't quite work.

...bummer, I was afraid of that. The bedroom scene is my favorite scene despite the glaring false notes in it. I guess I need to be prepared to cut my favorite scene if I can't fix it.

I definitely think I need to work the amount of her personal life that she discloses. Maybe need to try a new approach...

Abby is the protagonist. She is the one that pushes every bit of the way (although it is subtle at times). I wanted this to be a tactic for her to get out of town herself. I wonder if I clarified some of her motives, if that might help. Somehow I think she needs to express her desire and will to break free.

Definitely I will extend the dinner table scene and add more suspense.

 

[c.g._eads]

Yeah, if you set it up a little better, I think it could work. Wish I could tell you how to do that in the five pages that precede the scene, but I don't know. I would cut back on how detailed she gets with her experiences, however. I think you could get the same emotional punch you're going for with a slightly different approach. Whenever I get into these situations, where I need a character to emote something big - and these situations are almost always in danger of turning into melodrama no matter what you do - is see if there's any way I can tell the scene without dialogue. I rarely find a way to omit all dialogue. But just thinking that way usually gives me a few fresh ideas.

Good luck.