Undergrad Thesis class script idea....NEED HELP

JJL said:
a woman who is an idealist of some sort and frowns upon society's dirty secrets such as the the existence of hitmen,
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So do you frown on society's dirty secrets?

And the existence of hitmen isn't exactly a secret.

So, if this is a calling card - if this is*you* as a 10 minute short...

What do *you* want to say about the world or society? Not "of some sort", but really say? What bugs you? What do you love? Put yourself into the calling card for yourself.

Next, use your background and experiences: where are you from? what was that first job you had on a work permit at 15.5 years old? What was the worst job you had? What is your family like? What was the city/town you grew up in like? Look at all of the things that make you unique and consider them.

That doesn't mean you can't use imagination and creativity, too. Think magical. Think weird. Start with what makes you unique, and add a unique twist.

Then think of what you want the audience to feel, and how you will use both the story and the situations and the angles, movement, composition, editing, juxtaposition and other directing techniques to transfer those emotions to the viewer. You want to make the audience laugh or cry or fear for the characters.

Okay, now fold that all into a story.

And, to answer your question, the middle part of the story is the meat. What the story is all about. The middle is the struggle - the conflict. That can be physical or emotional - better if it's both. That's where you are going to demonstrate whatever the point of your story is. So - what is that, and how will you show that?

- Bill
 
Ok guys, after reading all the comments, I slightly made some modifications to the overtones of my idea. I'm not going to completely discard my original idea but I am aiming to incorporate more of that "emotional appeal" that much of yall are talking about. So here's my new modification, tell me what yall think...

Basically the woman that hires the hitman ends up being the daughter of the hitman. The background info includes that fact that the hitman used to have a daughter but during the time he served as a hitman there occured an instance where he was engaged in a messy job with the mafia that ultimately led to a retaliation, and one night they came in and kidnapped his young daughter while he watched. He had never seen his daughter again.....20 years go by and by the time he accepts the job offered to him by this woman, he doesnt kill her right away because something about the woman he's stalking reminds him of his daughter (because it actually is his daughter) but he doesnt realize it. SO he holds off and wants to figure the woman out before he carries out his task (this is his mission, and this is what drives the story)......we end up seeing at the end that the daughter reveals to him as being his daughter but she wants revenge on her father for having been kidnapped as a child.

Thats basically my revision, I wanted to incoporate a family aspect in it inorder fo the motivation to be stronger and for the audience to be more invested in the story. Tell me if this works
 
I think you need to rethink her motivation. It may have been because of him she was kidnapped, but that still doesn't sound like a believable plot. Who would raise somebody else's kid for revenge?
 
I still think a Hitman isn't the best way to go. But if you are set on using the Hitman idea, then Quirk has it right...her motivation just isn't believable.
 
Yeah i can kind of see what you're saying, but I want to establish that the fact she was kidnapped and abused by men and her dad was responsible for it, this ultimately led to the fact that she was traumatized to the point where she became sadistic and slightly psychopathic.
 
As cliche' as it sounds....ultimately I want the theme to be one of "Hunter becomes the Hunted"
 
How about this spin?

You mention the hitman is divorced...what if the woman is his ex-wife? What if she's trying to set him up to save her child, who, after the divorce, has been living with his father the hitman? Maybe she doesn't want her child to grow up with that upbringing since she was so disgusted when she found out her husband was a hitman? And THAT was the reason they divorced? You still get to keep your 'disgusted with society' bit, but now it's way more personal.
 
Just as a side note, that would be more of a tagline than theme. My understanding is that theme for a story generally speaks to morals/ethics/virtues/vices.

JJL said:
As cliche' as it sounds....ultimately I want the theme to be one of "Hunter becomes the Hunted"
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What Randall said.

Theme is the point of your story, the purpose of the story, the element of the human condition you are exploring. In simple terms, the moral of the story.

You are telling the story to make a point - what is the point?

If your story is pointless, well... it's pointless. Heck, fairy tales have a point.

I made a short film when I was about 19 or 20 called UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY about two detectives on stake out in front of a department store that an informant says will be robbed. When the alarms go off and a man runs out, they chase him, corner him, kill him... then discover he's an unarmed shoplifter. But the whole story up to that point is about believing the informant and jumping to conclusions and the detectives debate whether you can tell a guy is guilty just by what he looks like and how he acts. See, the whole danged short film (including the "gags" in the chase scene) are all about that point my story is making.

- Bill
 
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How are you going to fit this entire story in to a 5-7 page script?

I would rather just focus on the ending when they meet, and through dialogue show the story up to then.

re: Watch this brilliant short film for inspiration.
http://vimeo.com/1907030



I also agree with the importance of having something to tell with the story or else, as wcmartell pointed out. it will just be pointless.
 
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