Tri-State Comedy Script

[theJAKE]

Hi All,

I have been working on a short script to direct over the summer. I have passed it on to many coworkers and revised the script. I am trying to lock a final script in order to use it to get funding and move forward from there. Take a look at the script, and speak your mind

http://www.jakeviramontez.com/Tri-State2.txt.html

Jake

 

[JT Ryder]

i liked it. The characters were well defined, the dialogue was snappy (PS. check for grammar errors). I liked the school scam...very clever.

I think the ending was a little empty and abrupt.
I think this began with the potential as a feature, the introduction of backstory really gave the characters depth and a history which justified there continued 'career of choice'...you could introduce other smaller jobs and them stumble over the jackpot by sheer chance. This story is nothing new but the characters you've established could carry it off, with a twist at the end to attempt to break the typical genre.

GL with the project.

JT.

 

[brianluce]

Hi All,

I have been working on a script to direct over the summer. I have passed it on to many coworkers and revised the script. I am trying to lock a final script in order to use it to get funding and move forward from there. Take a look at the script, and speak your mind

http://www.jakeviramontez.com/Tri-State2.txt.html

Jake

I like it. It's like "Bottle Rocket". It's amusing enough and with the right players it could be pretty funny.

You should indicate it's a short, I thought it was a feature, and you can't tell from the document cuz there's no page count. I read a lot of scripts and am really locked into page count and use it as a reference tool. I've noticed people are passing on this thread, probably cuz no one wants to sit down and spend two hours reviewing a feature.

I think the story is missing something. Right now you have the three stooges, maybe you need a foil? How about the front desk girl, someone, maybe a wiser smarter girlfriend who senses the boys are up to no ogod? A mom? Someone or some thing to give this an extra dimension. As it stands, the payoff comes up a little short for me.

Overall, one of the best shorts I've read here.

These are just my opinions and my opinion and a dolllar will buy you a cup of coffee.

 

[brianluce]

Another point, I would've found it funnier if that paint ball had either bounced off the watermellon harmlessly leaving the melon unscathed or....had the ball splatter its paint like you'd expect a paint ball to do.

1.4 cents.

 

[brianluce]

I'd like to urge all the members of the forum to read this script. It's not a masterpiece but it's a better than average short and no one seems interested in helping this guy out, meanwhile, people are deconstructing some guys youtube movie. That's fine too except this is supposed to be a screenwriting forum and it seems like we discuss everything under the sun EXCEPT actual scripts. Here's a short little thing that needs some help. I hope some of you can take a look. I don't know the author though I did pm him about this.

 

[Lt_Col_Wade]

Hey - I read the script and enjoyed it. Id definitely agree with Brian in that it was entertaining and kept me reading, but I thought there were a couple problems - mostly with tone.

I couldnt get a firm grasp of whether you wanted this to feel more real or more fantasy. I definitely also got a kind of 'Bottle Rocket' feel from it, but the extended periods of dialogue (which make the characters seem more real) contrasted greatly with the shopping for pantyhose and paintball scene, which were so completely far-fetched (in that the characters would have to be much more stupid than the dialogue makes them seem to think those were good ideas), they would only really fit if the movie was very slapstick or tongue in cheek.

And speaking of the dialogue - I thought you did a good job of making the characters seem real through it, but I still think it can be trimmed a lot. One reason a page count would help is that you could compare the conversational dialogue to plot driving dialogue and action - as it stands, the conversational dialogue wins out, and I have a feeling its by a lot. There were a couple points where my interest was fading, but seeing as the length wasnt too much longer, I kept reading through. Tarantino may be able to take it to the extreme, but for something of this length, I think you could greatly chop it down and still have the characters seem just as real.

But while the dialogue gave the characters a bit of a humanity, I didnt get a very good feel for any of them. Sure they had different races, and that played into some of the slurs they used in the playground con, but really they all seemed pretty interchangable to me. Except for those very brief mentions, any of the characters really could have been any race or interchanged with each other - I think they need just a bit more individuality. This also made it hard to read the long sections of dialogue since it was hard to tell from the lines alone who was speaking - all of the characters seemed to have the same voice.

A few other very brief issues: I didnt get the point of having Lester explain to Chava the plan off screen only to explain it on screen a moment later - why not kill two birds with one stone and have him explain to both? Then you could also have Chava ask any obvious questions his character would have and turn the explanation into more of a conversation rather than a device, which is kind of how it appears (the character not in the know - Reggie - only doesnt know so that things can be spelled out to him and us).

I would also agree that the ending feels hollow and unsatisfying - it wraps up too briefly, and its such a stupid oversight that it again complicates the tone. If you want a more real tone, then I think the end needs to be tweaked, but if the bumbling three stoges feel was more what you were going for, I think you need to work with the other parts.

But most of all, keep in mind that this is just my advice, so take it with a grain of salt. While it may sound like I didnt like the piece, I found it entertaining and it kept me reading all the way through.