Thoughts on a Log Line

A Messenger

A Messenger

Active member
I am interested in getting some feedback on this Log Line I came up with for one of my completed stories:

“An emotionally stunted gunfighter becomes embroiled in a tangled web of honor, seduction, and ultimately corruption when a kidnapping job comes his way and he is forced into close quarters with a retarded mob associate with a secret and the woman sent to love him.”

Does this sound cheesy? The whole "embroiled in a tangled web" bit kind of seems like it's laying it on pretty thick.

Is this even the proper format for a Log Line?

What would you imagine the plot would entail reading this? What genre? Does this seem boring or could you imagine yourself seeing it?
 
A Messenger said:
I am interested in getting some feedback on this Log Line I came up with for one of my completed stories:

“An emotionally stunted gunfighter becomes embroiled in a tangled web of honor, seduction, and ultimately corruption when a kidnapping job comes his way and he is forced into close quarters with a retarded mob associate with a secret and the woman sent to love him.”

Does this sound cheesy? The whole "embroiled in a tangled web" bit kind of seems like it's laying it on pretty thick.

Is this even the proper format for a Log Line?

What would you imagine the plot would entail reading this? What genre? Does this seem boring or could you imagine yourself seeing it?
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I don't think it works. Seems convoluted. I don't think we need to know he's "emotionally stunted" nor that the mob associate is "Retarded" . I'm not sure what "A woman sent to love him" means. That line doesn't make much sense to me.
Also, when you said "Gunfighter" I flashed on Western, but then you go with the "Mob"--a different genre.
So I'd trim the fat and also come up with a hook that makes us want to read it.
 
you forgot to include "a renegade robot cop on the edge".
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How did you know? That's totally in the movie. He's actually "a surfing renegade robot cop on the edge".

I don't think it works. Seems convoluted. I don't think we need to know he's "emotionally stunted" nor that the mob associate is "Retarded" . I'm not sure what "A woman sent to love him" means. That line doesn't make much sense to me.
Also, when you said "Gunfighter" I flashed on Western, but then you go with the "Mob"--a different genre.
So I'd trim the fat and also come up with a hook that makes us want to read it.
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I agree that "emotionally stunted" and gunfighter don't typically go together, maybe not ever. In the movie I think it's more relevant that he's emotionally stunted than that he's a gunfighter. That's why I included it.

"the woman sent to love him" - I was thinking about changing the word love to something similar but I wanted to keep this G rated. I figured a smart guy like you would have understood it, Brian. Haven't you ever heard of "The Spy Who Loved Me."
 
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A Messenger said:
How did you know? That's totally in the movie. He's actually "a surfing renegade robot cop on the edge".



I agree that "emotionally stunted" and gunfighter don't typically go together, maybe not ever. In the movie I think it's more relevant that he's emotionally stunted than that he's a gunfighter. That's why I included it.

"the woman sent to love him" - I was thinking about changing the word love to something similar but I wanted to keep this G rated. I figured a smart guy like you would have understood it, Brian. Haven't you ever heard of "The Spy Who Loved Me."
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"Seduce" is more the word you want, but then people are going to want to know why she is "seducing" him. Not in a "I wanna see that movie" kind of way, but in a confused kind of way.
 
A Messenger said:
How did you know? That's totally in the movie. He's actually "a surfing renegade robot cop on the edge".



I agree that "emotionally stunted" and gunfighter don't typically go together, maybe not ever. In the movie I think it's more relevant that he's emotionally stunted than that he's a gunfighter. That's why I included it.

"the woman sent to love him" - I was thinking about changing the word love to something similar but I wanted to keep this G rated. I figured a smart guy like you would have understood it, Brian. Haven't you ever heard of "The Spy Who Loved Me."
Click to expand...

If you want smart you've got the wrong guy. Do you mean "seduce"? I assume you mean a woman sent to trick the hero into falling in love while she'd maintain the upper hand?
 
A Messenger said:
“An emotionally stunted gunfighter becomes embroiled in a tangled web of honor, seduction, and ultimately corruption when a kidnapping job comes his way and he is forced into close quarters with a retarded mob associate with a secret and the woman sent to love him.”
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'Tangled web of ....' is a bit much for my taste.
It's one step away from 'demons from his past'

And I would DEFINITELY cut the word 'retarded.'

I was also confused on the genre - when I read 'gunfighter' I immediately went to Western (which clearly this is not).

And yes - this logline sound exactly like Gigli -
From IMDB:
Gigli, a lowly and inept hitman, is assigned a job by the mob to kidnap a mentally retarded brother of a California district attorney. Gigli abducts the brother from his mental hospital and holds him hostage in his apartment. Ricki, a "lesbian assassin", is sent to oversee Gigli's job and make sure he doesn't screw it up. Comedic high jinks ensue as the two go on the lam and start to fall in love.
 
“An emotionally stunted gunfighter becomes embroiled in a tangled web of honor, seduction, and ultimately corruption when a kidnapping job comes his way and he is forced into close quarters with a retarded mob associate with a secret and the woman sent to love him.”

Firstly, this smacks of a western, and last time I looked, they are all but dead for spec consideration.

Secondly, sites like twoadverbs.com and donedealpro.com offer a greater response on logline advice.

Thirdly, your logline contains information that really isn't needed. IMO it's good to describe the gunslinger as more than such (as you did) but you also need a antagonist (which you did) and a GOAL or OBSTICLE (not sure you did enough to make this premise/concept/logline REALLY INTRESTING).

So to streamline it:

“When a kidnapping job comes his way, an emotionally stunted gunfighter is forced into close quarters with a retarded mob associate with a secret and the woman sent to love him.”

Again, there's not enough of the STORY in this logline, but there's plenty of character.

EJ
 
By the way - just being nit picky here, but "the woman sent to love him" has no clear antecedent.
Is she sent to love the gunslinger or the mob associate?
I know what you probably mean, but the way its written it is not clear.
 
A Messenger said:
and he is forced into close quarters with a retarded mob associate with a secret and the woman sent to love him.”
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Reminds me of something Lisa Simpson said about knowing what the words meant, but when put together like that they made no sense...

Yahoo Serious Film Festival

Is this a mexican soap opera?
 
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