Thoughts/Feedback on my basic premise

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Felix1

New member
Hey guys, my names Felix. First time posting here.

Anyway, I'm starting to write a screenplay and I was hoping you guys could give me some brutally honest feedback on the basic premise of the screenplay. Do you think it's interesting, or not? Is it a film you would like to see perhaps, or do you think it sounds boring? etc etc.

Anyway, here it goes:

Premise: What would happen if a hard-drinking, depressed, recent college graduate, starting dealing cocaine to make money, while he tried to find an honest job to be near his girlfreind?

This would be set against the backdrop of the 2009 economic crisis, which, as we all know, has left alot of very bright young college kids without much in the way of employment.

Thanks, ANY feedback or opinions would be awesome.
 
I'd remove the 'hard-drinking, depressed' bit, it's not needed. A recent grad, top of his class, popular sweet honest loveable etc etc, expecting a big paying job etc (and everyone else expects him to do so too) - but instead he can't get a job (other than something like McDonalds which he thinks is below him). So, he can't tell anyone he's "failed", starts secretly selling drugs while still keeping up appearances (perhaps even telling people he has a respectable job at a mythical corporation?), hating it but telling himself it's just a short term solution until that right job turns up. The two sides of his life are in major conflict and obviously at some point will collide with serious results.

It's fine as a setup, but how will the conflict resolve itself? Will he overcome the Big Collision or will it destroy him? Will this be a stoner comedy, an ultra-black satire, a gangsta flick, a tragedy?

With some sharp characters (on both sides of his life) and interesting plot twists, this could be very interesting.
 
I hadn't really fleshed it out too much (I just thought of it today), but I was thinking it would be something more along the lines of a tragedy, or, as you say, an ultra-black satire (What would an example be of one of these?)

As for the situation resolving itself, I had envisioned that the "Collision" would ultimately destroy him, as his personal changes put his end goal (finding a good job near his girlfreind) out of reach.
 
I suggest viewing your 'premise' from a slightly different angle, or more accurately using a slightly different definition of the word: 'premise' not as the starting setup of your story, but 'premise' as the larger truth you intend your story to prove true (per Lajos Egry's The Art of Dramatic Writing).

For example, 'premise' in this sense could be something like Moby Dick (obsession destroys both the obsessed and object of their obsession) or Star Wars (even the unlikeliest of us can become a hero).

What premise might you develop, that your characters' actions and experiences over the course of your story will prove to be true?
 
'Fight Club' would be the obvious ultra-black satire to consider, similar to your premise in that a 'normal' guy has a massive lifestyle change and gets totally out of his depth with mostly disasterous consequences. Of course, quite a few movies do follow that structure, it's what you then do with that structure that makes or breaks a good script.
 
Thanks for the feedback guys. I really appreciate it....what a great little community this forum is.

As far as larger truth goes, I suppose what I'm going for is, as you said, Moby Dick-esque, in which out of desperation the kid does something crazy, that ultimately destroys both him, and the object of his obsession (his future, his gf).
 
Nice premise but...

Nice premise but...

Nice premise but pretty similar to some recent TV shows like "Breaking Bad" on AMC, which is a show about a struggling high school chemistry teacher who starts cooking and selling Crystal Meth to secure his family's financial future after finding out he has terminal lung cancer, and the new HBO show, "Hung", which is about a struggling suburban Detroit high school basketball coach who uses his large penis to become a male prostitute.

The comparisons are obviously but it's not that I am saying there's no story to tell here. I would just suggest finding a way to make yours unique other than it being cocaine he was selling as opposed to crystal meth with "Breaking Bad" or sex with "Hung".

-- Artman009
 
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It might be more fair to suggest that the characters decide to become law breakers in order to provide for their children. Which is different in terms of what it says about a character, than simply improving their financial standing. The finances are a means, not an end.
 
I think the idea sounds focused enough as a starting point for doing some exploring.

You don't have to have all the answers, and don't even need any further advice, to do this either. It's a good idea to put some feelers out to gauge reactions but if you are honestly curious...find out.

Start with your premise...write until you feel like you've begun to answer the question...and then assess. If you feel like you have something, go with it. If you feel like you have something but it's been done too often...then think about how it can be expanded upon or made original in a way that is still important to you...and then go for it.

If none of the above happens...put it away and wait for the next idea. But feel free to get grumpy about it if you want ;-)
 
Yeah, a premise is just that, a starting point. As mtd2007 says, you now need to explore all the directions this starting point could lead to. Sure, you want to note any vaguely similar setups such as the TV shows discussed above, both to learn what they do right and to make sure you find an angle that's different to them.

I'd start with character - write up a list of possible 'heroes', and also lists of other main characters in the 'good' and 'bad' sides of the hero's life (and probably a few are in both sides?). Start looking for combinations that fit together but have lots of conflict potential. In particular look at the hero's background, e.g. what was his chosen (and so far unsuccessful) career and how will it help/hinder his new life of crime? How does he actually become a dealer? - obviously he doesn't just go to the cocaine warehouse and place an order :)
 
Thanks guys....great feedback. Given me alot to think about.

Writing one of these is alot harder than I thought to be honest...I come from a writing background in journalism and TV news, but that doesn't help much here.:Drogar-BigGrin(DBG)
 
Felix1 said:
Thanks guys....great feedback. Given me alot to think about.

Writing one of these is alot harder than I thought to be honest...I come from a writing background in journalism and TV news, but that doesn't help much here.:Drogar-BigGrin(DBG)
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I have to disagree. I went through a program where news and movies mixed heavily (they all use cameras was the rationale). So, I had some training in copy writing and almost went into reporting.

When you write your news copy, you take all the raw information the reporter gives you and distill it into an interesting story. That story could be a 10-second blurb or 20-minute, long-format piece on 60 Minutes. Still, you take a mess of information and find the story within.

The main difference in creative writing is writers typically imagine all the "raw information." Though, many writers don't even do that: adaptation, creative borrowing, remakes, based-on-true-stories, etc. Both news and creative writers have to determine what is interesting.

Would you listen to a twenty-minute news story about drunk, drug-dealing college grad who can't find a job? Maybe, but you're demanding a lot from your execution. A news story about a college grad who started dealing cocaine might merit an entire 90-second package: why he started, where he dealt, how he got caught, etc., but not much more. So you're really asking a lot from yourself to make this really interesting.

Now, would you listen to a news story about a farmer kid from the boondocks who rescues a princess, knows how to use magic-like powers, and pretty much single-handedly destroys an enemy battle station? Oh, and his parents were murdered tragically? Oh, and his father is one of the most evil and powerful men in the galaxy? I would. Hell, I'd try to get the rights to make that story into a movie!

I think your training in news / journalism is an asset. The two fields are different, to be sure, but both ultimately must find what's interesting and determine for how long that subject can maintain interest.
 
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but there is a film already made VERY similar to your premise. I believe it is titled, "50 Pills." The basic story is that a college student gets involved too heavily with drugs/drinking and loses his scholarship because he gets caught too many times. After this, he is forced into selling drugs, all the while trying to straighten out his life and get out of the criminal activities so he can have his normal life/girlfriend back. Its basically a black comedy.... heres the trailer : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrEl7BJ50cQ
 
In general, why is it that student filmmakers and new filmmakers / writers always want to make movies or write scripts about drugs and guns? I've never really gotten that. I mean it's like the biggest student cliche for instance. In our class it was the same way, everyone wanted to make another drug film, haha.
 
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