thisiswells
Retired
Green vs. Red vs. Blue
The Battle For the Comfy Lounge
The normally tranquil Comfy Lounge erupted into violence last night when the Red Chairs attempted a hostile takeover of the area. The home of the Green Chairs since 1995, and the peace-loving Blue Chairs since 1998, the Comfy Lounge has been a hotbed of potential conflict since the recent arrival of the belligerent Red Chairs. War was inevitable.
At 11:35 p.m. last night, the inevitable occured. One of the Red Chairs, now known as the infamous "Rogue Rouge," triggered the conflict by engaging in a brutal, unprovoked massacre against Green and Blue. His weapon, a CO2-powered AKoke-47, was one of many readily available in the Comfy Lounge at street prices as low as $1.75. mathNEWS immediately sent in war correspondents Chris Harasemchuk and Craig Sloss.
Green immediately mobilized their Mammoth Couches to meet the Red threat. Although also only armed with a single AKoke-47, their advantage is their intimidating size. In this startling photograph, one of the Mammoth Couches reared up on its hind legs, causing the Red troops to halt in their tracks. The Green Army quickly gained an upper hand through the efforts of these courageous chesterfields.
In response, Red created a new, elite army consisting of modern genetically engineered clones. Manipulating the Red Chairs' DNA using radiation from the Comfy Lounge's rich microwave deposit, the New Red were designed to be sleeker, stronger and softer than the average Red Chair. The New Red quickly took over all operations of the Red Chairs' war efforts.
The New Red were unleashed like an (insert meteorlogical metaphor here) on the battlefield, attacking not only the Green and Blue, as instructed, but also their Red predecessors as well. The New Red proved to be more ferocious than anything before encountered in the Comfy Lounge, even the dreaded 7/7 Lord of the Pit, with trample.
The New Red developed into a cult, worshipping the microwave that gave them life. They began travelling in packs, capturing members of the Old Red in an attempt to convert to the new ways them by beating the stuffing out of them. A minority of Tall Chairs was officially deemed to be an affont to the new god, and were exiled to the neighbouring C&D lounge. Despite the religious overtones of this phenomenon, it is widely believed among members of the Old Red that it is in fact a cover for a more sinister purpose — namely, the elimination of political opponents of the New Red regime.
In order to preserve their freedom, the leaders of the Old Red met with their Green and Blue counterparts in a last-ditch attempt to defeat the New Red and throw off the yoke of slavery. As mathNEWS correspondents, we could not be happier with this development, as in our black-and-white publication, we couldn't tell the sides apart anyway.
Faced with the combined might of the Green, Blue and Old Red, the New Red was able to offer little resistance. Losing much ground and fearing expulsion from the Comfy Lounge, the New Red soon surrendered and agreed to share the Comfy Lounge on equal terms with all chairs — well, except for those freaky Tall Chairs that got sent to the C&D. Peace has at last returned to the Comfy Lounge.
Unfortunately, war is not without its casualties, even among the innocent bystanders. My fellow correspondent and dear friend Chris Harasemchuk was caught in the crossfire of a Green-Red skirmish, and was pinned to the field of battle by a Green loveseat. I tell you, you don't really know war until you've watched a friend being brutally overrun by a herd of stampeding furniture. I... I... sniff I'm sorry, I just can't go on... YOU BASTARD ASS-SUPPORTERS! What did he ever do to you?!?
The Battle For the Comfy Lounge
The normally tranquil Comfy Lounge erupted into violence last night when the Red Chairs attempted a hostile takeover of the area. The home of the Green Chairs since 1995, and the peace-loving Blue Chairs since 1998, the Comfy Lounge has been a hotbed of potential conflict since the recent arrival of the belligerent Red Chairs. War was inevitable.
At 11:35 p.m. last night, the inevitable occured. One of the Red Chairs, now known as the infamous "Rogue Rouge," triggered the conflict by engaging in a brutal, unprovoked massacre against Green and Blue. His weapon, a CO2-powered AKoke-47, was one of many readily available in the Comfy Lounge at street prices as low as $1.75. mathNEWS immediately sent in war correspondents Chris Harasemchuk and Craig Sloss.
Green immediately mobilized their Mammoth Couches to meet the Red threat. Although also only armed with a single AKoke-47, their advantage is their intimidating size. In this startling photograph, one of the Mammoth Couches reared up on its hind legs, causing the Red troops to halt in their tracks. The Green Army quickly gained an upper hand through the efforts of these courageous chesterfields.
In response, Red created a new, elite army consisting of modern genetically engineered clones. Manipulating the Red Chairs' DNA using radiation from the Comfy Lounge's rich microwave deposit, the New Red were designed to be sleeker, stronger and softer than the average Red Chair. The New Red quickly took over all operations of the Red Chairs' war efforts.
The New Red were unleashed like an (insert meteorlogical metaphor here) on the battlefield, attacking not only the Green and Blue, as instructed, but also their Red predecessors as well. The New Red proved to be more ferocious than anything before encountered in the Comfy Lounge, even the dreaded 7/7 Lord of the Pit, with trample.
The New Red developed into a cult, worshipping the microwave that gave them life. They began travelling in packs, capturing members of the Old Red in an attempt to convert to the new ways them by beating the stuffing out of them. A minority of Tall Chairs was officially deemed to be an affont to the new god, and were exiled to the neighbouring C&D lounge. Despite the religious overtones of this phenomenon, it is widely believed among members of the Old Red that it is in fact a cover for a more sinister purpose — namely, the elimination of political opponents of the New Red regime.
In order to preserve their freedom, the leaders of the Old Red met with their Green and Blue counterparts in a last-ditch attempt to defeat the New Red and throw off the yoke of slavery. As mathNEWS correspondents, we could not be happier with this development, as in our black-and-white publication, we couldn't tell the sides apart anyway.
Faced with the combined might of the Green, Blue and Old Red, the New Red was able to offer little resistance. Losing much ground and fearing expulsion from the Comfy Lounge, the New Red soon surrendered and agreed to share the Comfy Lounge on equal terms with all chairs — well, except for those freaky Tall Chairs that got sent to the C&D. Peace has at last returned to the Comfy Lounge.
Unfortunately, war is not without its casualties, even among the innocent bystanders. My fellow correspondent and dear friend Chris Harasemchuk was caught in the crossfire of a Green-Red skirmish, and was pinned to the field of battle by a Green loveseat. I tell you, you don't really know war until you've watched a friend being brutally overrun by a herd of stampeding furniture. I... I... sniff I'm sorry, I just can't go on... YOU BASTARD ASS-SUPPORTERS! What did he ever do to you?!?
