Batutta
Major Contributor
True story I wrote for a blog I had a while back. Decided to repost it here, so you aspiring writers out there know what's waiting for you if someone takes notice of your work;
A few years ago I had another one of my fruitless brushes with fame and fortune. A script I wrote with two buddies, whom I'll call Fat Dead Mexican and Anal Boy, was sent out to the studios by an agent I'll call C-Money. Anal Boy worked in the mail room of the Big Agency C-Money worked at, and actually worked side by side with C-Money when he first arrived there. C-Money was a big fan of the script we wrote together, and as he rose through the ranks of the Big Agency he always remembered it. When his chance came he sent it around to all the usual suspects with the hopes of selling it, but alas, no sale. It did however, get us an ass load of meetings, so we jumped onto the lasy susan of aspiring writers that pass through the studios on a daily basis like eager beavers. At the behest of C-Money, we came up with a project to pitch, and pitch we did. No one caught, but it led to the funniest meeting I ever had. Anal boy and I still talk about it to this day when we need a laugh. Alright, so we're sent to this office in Culver City to meet a producer, whom I'll call Capone. Capone's office is in the back of a much larger production company and is a dingy affair with a few desks and a couch. On the walls are various posters, "Goodfellas" among them. Alright, I think to myself, this guy's worked on some good movies. Turns out he just thinks Goodfellas is, "the greatest movie ever." He never worked on it. Anyway Capone, and he speaks like a cross between Tony Soprano and Bobby De Niro in the Untouchables, gets down to business. He talks a little about himself, growing up on the streets of New York, and tells a charming story about how every now and then he gets a little upset, so he takes that baseball bat sitting in the corner and bashes huge dents in the metal fence outside. He then grabs the baseball bat and starts talking about a few upcoming projects. One is to star numerous teenage girls, and he tells us excitedly how, "I can't wait to cast this thing!" while he fondles his aluminum baseball bat. Anal boy and I start exchanging bemused looks at this point. Capone then leans back in his chair, puts both hands around his erect bat and lays it on his chest. "Alright, pitch me," he says. So we start in with the pitch, and the further we get into it, the narrower Capone's squinty, Gandolfini-esque eyes became. About mid-way through he goes, "I don't think I can do anything with this." We deflate. Capone than says, "But I would like you guys to write something for me...You know what I like to do. I like to go through the top one hundred movies of all time, and make them black. Either that, or do them with animals". Capone whisks over to his desk on his rolling chair, bringing up a list of top grossers on his screen. He starts going down the list. "The Godfather...The Godfather with animals!" "They're already doing that," Anal Boy chimes in, "Shark Tale." "****!" Capone yells. He scans the list again. "Mrs. Doubtfire...Mrs. Doubtfire with animals...Hmm, would a duck, want a dress up like a zebra?...I don't know. Would that work?" Anal boy and I can barely contain our smirks. "Don't laugh," Capone says, "this is where great ideas come from!" And this is when the Fat Dead Mexican goes in for the kill. "How about we do a zoo in the ghetto and call it Homey Monkeys!" he says. And Capone actually considers it! Soon it becomes apparent to Capone that we're laughing at him, not with him, and the meeting promptly ends. As we drive off to our next pointless meet and greet we laugh hysterically all the way there. Even if nothing happens, we say to ourselves, sending the script out was worth it just for that. Needless to say, nothing happened, and I don't feel it was worth it. Years later, I read that Capone is producing a multi-million dollar action movie, and I think damn, I should've written Homey Monkeys.
A few years ago I had another one of my fruitless brushes with fame and fortune. A script I wrote with two buddies, whom I'll call Fat Dead Mexican and Anal Boy, was sent out to the studios by an agent I'll call C-Money. Anal Boy worked in the mail room of the Big Agency C-Money worked at, and actually worked side by side with C-Money when he first arrived there. C-Money was a big fan of the script we wrote together, and as he rose through the ranks of the Big Agency he always remembered it. When his chance came he sent it around to all the usual suspects with the hopes of selling it, but alas, no sale. It did however, get us an ass load of meetings, so we jumped onto the lasy susan of aspiring writers that pass through the studios on a daily basis like eager beavers. At the behest of C-Money, we came up with a project to pitch, and pitch we did. No one caught, but it led to the funniest meeting I ever had. Anal boy and I still talk about it to this day when we need a laugh. Alright, so we're sent to this office in Culver City to meet a producer, whom I'll call Capone. Capone's office is in the back of a much larger production company and is a dingy affair with a few desks and a couch. On the walls are various posters, "Goodfellas" among them. Alright, I think to myself, this guy's worked on some good movies. Turns out he just thinks Goodfellas is, "the greatest movie ever." He never worked on it. Anyway Capone, and he speaks like a cross between Tony Soprano and Bobby De Niro in the Untouchables, gets down to business. He talks a little about himself, growing up on the streets of New York, and tells a charming story about how every now and then he gets a little upset, so he takes that baseball bat sitting in the corner and bashes huge dents in the metal fence outside. He then grabs the baseball bat and starts talking about a few upcoming projects. One is to star numerous teenage girls, and he tells us excitedly how, "I can't wait to cast this thing!" while he fondles his aluminum baseball bat. Anal boy and I start exchanging bemused looks at this point. Capone then leans back in his chair, puts both hands around his erect bat and lays it on his chest. "Alright, pitch me," he says. So we start in with the pitch, and the further we get into it, the narrower Capone's squinty, Gandolfini-esque eyes became. About mid-way through he goes, "I don't think I can do anything with this." We deflate. Capone than says, "But I would like you guys to write something for me...You know what I like to do. I like to go through the top one hundred movies of all time, and make them black. Either that, or do them with animals". Capone whisks over to his desk on his rolling chair, bringing up a list of top grossers on his screen. He starts going down the list. "The Godfather...The Godfather with animals!" "They're already doing that," Anal Boy chimes in, "Shark Tale." "****!" Capone yells. He scans the list again. "Mrs. Doubtfire...Mrs. Doubtfire with animals...Hmm, would a duck, want a dress up like a zebra?...I don't know. Would that work?" Anal boy and I can barely contain our smirks. "Don't laugh," Capone says, "this is where great ideas come from!" And this is when the Fat Dead Mexican goes in for the kill. "How about we do a zoo in the ghetto and call it Homey Monkeys!" he says. And Capone actually considers it! Soon it becomes apparent to Capone that we're laughing at him, not with him, and the meeting promptly ends. As we drive off to our next pointless meet and greet we laugh hysterically all the way there. Even if nothing happens, we say to ourselves, sending the script out was worth it just for that. Needless to say, nothing happened, and I don't feel it was worth it. Years later, I read that Capone is producing a multi-million dollar action movie, and I think damn, I should've written Homey Monkeys.
