RodThompson
Veteran
Thinking of starting a serial of shorts based on this character. Let me know what you think.
Rod
EDIT: It's only five pages.
Rod
EDIT: It's only five pages.
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The Upgrade
- Thread starter RodThompson
- Start date
TimCollins
Well-known member
Just read it, very badass man. You've definitely got a knack for imagery. At my level, I'm not really the best at picking things apart but I enjoyed it, especially the end. Reminded me a little of V for Vendetta which I love.
You've made me think also that you don't always have to write things that would be possible to go out and create yourself. Writing is a limitless medium and why not write fantastical shorts? Especially for a contest. This makes me feel like branching out from just writing things that could be done on a no-budget production and create something epic.
Good job man.
You've made me think also that you don't always have to write things that would be possible to go out and create yourself. Writing is a limitless medium and why not write fantastical shorts? Especially for a contest. This makes me feel like branching out from just writing things that could be done on a no-budget production and create something epic.
Good job man.
RodThompson
Veteran
Oh, this new stuff I'm jiving out is out of my realm, but profoundly better than anything I've previously touched upon. I just got sick of writing "real world." In the course, I've actually improved my writing style and structure 10-fold. Shorts, so far, have been the best writing exercise I could hope for!
As far as V, this is definitely in the same vein. Well, the action anyway. The Wachowskis might be nutters, but they can direct an action sequence from their rectums.
As far as V, this is definitely in the same vein. Well, the action anyway. The Wachowskis might be nutters, but they can direct an action sequence from their rectums.
Ezekiel667
Well-known member
I agree with Tim, it's very badass. Writing things like this, fantasy, sci-fi...things I could never film myself haha, is my preferred style. I loved your imagery, and Keaton is a great main character, just from your short I had images and scenes fly through my head of all the awesome things you could have him do.
Great Job man, I'd love to see what else you come up with in this series you want to write.
Great Job man, I'd love to see what else you come up with in this series you want to write.
Nektonic
Veteran
I liked this script. I could see it being done in an anime style as well as live action. I think you could develop this into a series or a feature.
I don't know if you're looking for general feedback, and I don't want you to think I'm being a know-it-all, but a few nit picky things (I apologize, but this is what scriptfest does to the brain):
Page 1: you stated this in a description block:
the complex serves as a realm of pain for those thought by the Hive unworthy.
This isn't really needed and it breaks the rule of "write only what we can physically see or hear". It is more mysterious if we don't know exactly what the complex is just yet. Also, on the last page you say...
a ROBOT now powered down.
... which might not be needed. I think the reader will get that he is a robot by the scientist turning him off by the earlobe switch. If you plan to develop this story and world further there will be plenty of time to remind the audience that Keaton is a robot. Also, it might be nice to not tell the reader everything. If you don't mention the word robot, since Keaton looks exactly like the scientist, maybe he's an advanced clone, sort of a combat version of the scientist. It entices the reader/audience to want to go on and learn more about what Keaton really is.
Page 5: you have some slightly chunky blocks of description. I'd keep them to no more than four lines if you can, maybe five once in a while if really necessary.
How about teaming with an artist and doing a comic book? This is something I've though of doing with some of my grander ideas that I have no chance in hell of making into a film unless I either win the lottery or get a studio to finance it.
As long as you find a talented artist, anything that can be imagined can be drawn.
I don't know if you're looking for general feedback, and I don't want you to think I'm being a know-it-all, but a few nit picky things (I apologize, but this is what scriptfest does to the brain):
Page 1: you stated this in a description block:
the complex serves as a realm of pain for those thought by the Hive unworthy.
This isn't really needed and it breaks the rule of "write only what we can physically see or hear". It is more mysterious if we don't know exactly what the complex is just yet. Also, on the last page you say...
a ROBOT now powered down.
... which might not be needed. I think the reader will get that he is a robot by the scientist turning him off by the earlobe switch. If you plan to develop this story and world further there will be plenty of time to remind the audience that Keaton is a robot. Also, it might be nice to not tell the reader everything. If you don't mention the word robot, since Keaton looks exactly like the scientist, maybe he's an advanced clone, sort of a combat version of the scientist. It entices the reader/audience to want to go on and learn more about what Keaton really is.
Page 5: you have some slightly chunky blocks of description. I'd keep them to no more than four lines if you can, maybe five once in a while if really necessary.
How about teaming with an artist and doing a comic book? This is something I've though of doing with some of my grander ideas that I have no chance in hell of making into a film unless I either win the lottery or get a studio to finance it.
As long as you find a talented artist, anything that can be imagined can be drawn.
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