the untitled usual

[filmmaker98]

Got this idea while I'm about to sleep last night ....
(...also please note that this is the first screenplay I have written so the formatting will not be up to the standards)


Fade from black

Scene 1:

INT bedroom Night about 12:00

clock ticking sounds and a woman sleeping on her side of the bed( shown from side of the bed where her legs are lying). The other half of the bed's bed sheet looks like that if a person has just getup from it. Now camera slowly Zooms out to a person( Sam ) sitting in a sofa(which is in front of the bed) looking at her.( the person is shown from rear side till now)

CUT

Now Sam's face is only shown(who is still looking at the woman) whose face is covered with drops of sweat

CUT

Scene :2

INT The same bed-room but still more dark

screaming voices of male and female as if they are having sex. Suddenly the woman ( Sara ) interrupts

Sara: Hey stop! what time is it ! ?

Willy:****!.. I'm not able to enjoy this!

She switch-on's the bed-lamp beside her . A laminated wedding photo of Sam and Sara and also the person's face who is lying above her is revealed because of the light( who is different from Sam ...named Willy) ..

Sara:still got a safe half an hour...

Willy: Why don't you take a divorce....

Sara(interrupting Willy): Look Willy I haven't dated with you to my complete satisfaction yet..

Willy pauses for a while and smiles at her in a mocking way


Willy:I know you still love you husband... and me..(sighs) fixed for the bed only

Sara: You re right honey ...I still love him ...(sighs)but I don't know...I don't like like to share my body with him...

Willy smiles and goes near her face to kiss her

Willy:that's insane...

Sara and Willy laugh at each other ...after that they both continue to sex and
scream

Camera is dragged to the outside of the room ...through the the small window openings (which is just below the ceiling of the room), which takes you to the their car parking place

In the out door Sam is listening to this conversation in his car

CUT

Scene 3: return to scene1 where Sam is sitting in the sofa and looking towards his wife with a 'blank' kind of expression in his face..

Now only three objects are shown on the screen Sam's rear side face his wife still sleeping and a gun slowly lifted up by Sam

CUT

Sam's face is only shown now...he slowly points the gun to the side of his fore-head and shoots himself.

CUT
A letter (which is placed on the table in front of the sofa he is sitting) shown which is fluttering because of the fan and where all the matter on the letter appears blurred except the last line

"...But I Still Love you..." where a drop of blood suddenly comes and covers the part 'Love' ...



The-End
------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, guys let me know whether you are expecting the same kind of the ending I have given before you read it entirely and also Please don't hesitate to say 'Non-sense' if it really looks like that....

 

[ConspiracyPenguin]

I think it is pretty good. Story wise, it is a bit cliche, but then again, cliches are that way for a reason! I think after a bit of polishing it could make for a compelling piece. As far as the ending, again with the expected outcome. I think you could change it up and add some sort of twist, making it a bit longer, but worth it in the end as far as overall satisfaction.

You definitly have something here, now you just have to pick and prune at it until you get what you want.

As a note, I don't like giving criticism of other people's writing. It is dificult for me, as a writer, because I understand what a script means to the creator. When I write a script, it means something to me. There is a reason for everything I include and if someone picked it apart and said it was nonsense, I wouldn't take it well because to them it may be that way, but to me it may be a masterpiece. Just remember that when taking feedback from others. Good luck!

 

[filmmaker98]

Thnks a lot Nick ....thats really encouraging for me.....but as I'm a beginner in writing, how could I know Whether my work is any good with out feedback

 

[ConspiracyPenguin]

Great point! Even now, after I have written a lot of stuff, I still take all feedback seriously and use it to perfect my craft. I don't think we ever stop learning as filmmakers. Anytime!

 

[Gohanto]

I'm kinda blunt with criticism to be honest, as that's how I prefer to get it.
Overall it's okay, there is one thing that concern me though.
You don't know Sam is her husband when we see him, so the reveal that she's cheating on him doesn't mean anything to the audience until it's stated in dialog that she's married, in which case the audience just has to guess that's who he is. For this story to really work, I think it's important to know he's the husband, possibly just having him holding a framed picture of them happy together in one hand and revealing later the other hand was holding a gun.

The strength of this is that you really nailed a solid dark tone to the piece though. Nice work as that's one of the more challenging parts I always have trouble with.

 

[filmmaker98]

Thnku Gohanto ..... and I thought that audience will know that by intuition...but any way .....you are right ...thats a mistake!


and as far as Criticism is concerned, for me there is no such thing as blunt or great ...its just giving your thought based on your perception on some work ...

... thanks again you gave something which I really liked, 'a mistake of mine'.

 

[filmmaker98]

This forum is great ...I love this really ....improving myself from the comments to the posts, not only of mine, but also from others' posts