The Drifter (8 Pages) - Review
- Thread starter Quigon007
- Start date
Robbie Comeau
Como's back. back again
Hey,
Cool script, It left me reading it all.
I think you used HE to much, and that's what my problem is in screenplay.
Your characters seem pretty cool.
Why did DON come down to earth? That's what I never got.
Cool script, It left me reading it all.
I think you used HE to much, and that's what my problem is in screenplay.
Your characters seem pretty cool.
Why did DON come down to earth? That's what I never got.
Quigon007
Member
You mean Eric? Well I just had the idea of making this a web-series.... Eric (The Drifter) is either an angel or a alien.... here to protect certain people on earth. Each episode, he is a different person... or appears to be a different person with the name ERIC. So the next episode he will be someone else... talking of course.
Zak Forsman
Major Contributor
i'd like to know how you think the characters that this angel/spaceman interacts with are changed by his rescuing them. btw, i'd have to say you telegraphed the big reveal, which the story really hinges on. I would consider giving him an intention that looks to be on thing, and turns out to be another (rescuing the girl who ODs on cocaine)
btw, i've done a lot of cocaine. not an easy drug to O.D. on when you're just snorting it.
btw, i've done a lot of cocaine. not an easy drug to O.D. on when you're just snorting it.
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Turnpike
Member
What I believe Zak meant was that when you wrote
It's sort of revealing. What you could do is cut out a few things from the script. You repeat yourself sometimes. For example:
See?
So, do you mean to say that Eric, this entity, interacts with people and miraculously changes them? Who does he change? Does he change the girl who almost OD'd on drugs, or was it Don, who had no character? Don gets saved by a deaf/mute, takes him in for the night, but ends up playing WoW? Then tries to pull him away from a party, where Eric saves the girl?
It might be just me, but I don't know about the story. There seems to be a few holes in it that could be worked out.
That's pretty much all I've got to say. (That and suddenly I feel the urge to post up one of my scripts. Hmm.)
All of a sudden, the music stops. We see everyone walking
to the bathroom, like something’s a matter. ERIC gets up
and walks over as well, confident. Like he knew this
upcoming event would happen.
to the bathroom, like something’s a matter. ERIC gets up
and walks over as well, confident. Like he knew this
upcoming event would happen.
It's sort of revealing. What you could do is cut out a few things from the script. You repeat yourself sometimes. For example:
ERIC watched DON as he drinks the COKE, ERIC mimics DON.
As if he had never drank a soda before in his life. DON seems worried.
As if he had never drank a soda before in his life. DON seems worried.
DON (CONT'D)
You look like you’ve never
drank soda before.
drank soda before.
So, do you mean to say that Eric, this entity, interacts with people and miraculously changes them? Who does he change? Does he change the girl who almost OD'd on drugs, or was it Don, who had no character? Don gets saved by a deaf/mute, takes him in for the night, but ends up playing WoW? Then tries to pull him away from a party, where Eric saves the girl?
It might be just me, but I don't know about the story. There seems to be a few holes in it that could be worked out.
That's pretty much all I've got to say. (That and suddenly I feel the urge to post up one of my scripts. Hmm.)
Blaine
Mr. Hollywood
If you don't "get" them on the first episode, they may very well not come back later when you get around to "explaining things."
Zak Forsman
Major Contributor
let me try to be clearer.
your story relies on withholding information from the audience -- that being the reason the angel-spaceman is at the party. further, from the moment he is not receptive to the fat goth girl's advances, we know he has a more noble purpose for being there. and we know he likes to step in and rescue seemingly random people like he did with Don. i had all the information i needed at that point to guess the climax at that point. that's what i meant by "telegraphing the big reveal". i just didn't know who until we met the girls doing blow in the bathroom.
my advice was to give the audience the appearance of a reason for Eric to be at the party that would keep his true motive under wraps. maybe he is actively looking for who has coke at the party? if he plays to the partygoers on their level as someone looking to score, we will assume he just wants to make friends and snort a few rails (throwing us off the scent), when in reality he's motivated to save a young girl from an overdose.
i think the biggest problem with this story, though is that Eric doesn't come across a single obstacle during this story. not one thing (other than drinking a soda) thwarts his expectations. don't make it so easy for him.
just my 2¢. keep at it!!
your story relies on withholding information from the audience -- that being the reason the angel-spaceman is at the party. further, from the moment he is not receptive to the fat goth girl's advances, we know he has a more noble purpose for being there. and we know he likes to step in and rescue seemingly random people like he did with Don. i had all the information i needed at that point to guess the climax at that point. that's what i meant by "telegraphing the big reveal". i just didn't know who until we met the girls doing blow in the bathroom.
my advice was to give the audience the appearance of a reason for Eric to be at the party that would keep his true motive under wraps. maybe he is actively looking for who has coke at the party? if he plays to the partygoers on their level as someone looking to score, we will assume he just wants to make friends and snort a few rails (throwing us off the scent), when in reality he's motivated to save a young girl from an overdose.
i think the biggest problem with this story, though is that Eric doesn't come across a single obstacle during this story. not one thing (other than drinking a soda) thwarts his expectations. don't make it so easy for him.
just my 2¢. keep at it!!
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Larry Rutledge
Fest Master
After reading this, I have a few questions:
- Why did Eric say (write) that he was going to California and came from Maine when neither was true?
- Why is Eric mute? What purpose does it serve to the story/characters/plot/outcome?
- Why, after saving Don, does he (Don) continue on in the story? What purpose does his character serve?
- If you kept Don, for the purpose of getting Eric to the dormitory, why does Don continue on in the story after Eric leaves? After he plays hours of WoW and then notices Eric is gone, he goes out and "just happens" to see Eric entering a room down the hall (too coincidental, IMHO, that he quit playing and started looking the exact moment after Eric left the room). But even with all that, he goes to the party room, is rejected, shows the pot (where'd that come from?) gets in, tries to make Eric leave (why, no compelling reason given), Eric says no so Don drinks four beers. Don's story is long over by this point, it's best to move on from him.
- Why the interaction with the "goth girl" other than the shock value? He clearly is not interested in her advances, why doesn't she move on in the time it took Don to drink four beers and go in search of an occupied bathroom?
- Why does the music suddenly stop and everyone walk to the bathroom? Just out of the blue, music screeches to a halt for no reason and everyone rushes to the bathroom?
- Why doesn't anyone change throughout the story? Don is still going to get beat up by the bully without Eric to protect him, the girl doesn't remember what happened so what's to keep her from coke'ing out again?
I agree with Zak, the end was telegraphed too strongly early on. Since you don't want him to know ahead of time it's a coke'ed out girl, then maybe let him stumble on her, realize what's going on, then start his hand to the throat thing. The other girl is now going to be real scared, thinking Eric is either there to rape them or kill them, or both. She could start screaming, beating on Eric and/or the walls/doors. This would then catch the attention of everyone else and as they come to the rescue, then the girl comes out of it and while they are stunned, Eric slips out quietly.
I like the "idea" of the various episodes, kind of a Quantum Leap/Touched By An Angel kind of idea. But the execution needs more thought.
Keep at it, and post up any re-writes ... and ask any questions, we're always happy to help out if possible.
Peace,
Larry
- Why did Eric say (write) that he was going to California and came from Maine when neither was true?
- Why is Eric mute? What purpose does it serve to the story/characters/plot/outcome?
- Why, after saving Don, does he (Don) continue on in the story? What purpose does his character serve?
- If you kept Don, for the purpose of getting Eric to the dormitory, why does Don continue on in the story after Eric leaves? After he plays hours of WoW and then notices Eric is gone, he goes out and "just happens" to see Eric entering a room down the hall (too coincidental, IMHO, that he quit playing and started looking the exact moment after Eric left the room). But even with all that, he goes to the party room, is rejected, shows the pot (where'd that come from?) gets in, tries to make Eric leave (why, no compelling reason given), Eric says no so Don drinks four beers. Don's story is long over by this point, it's best to move on from him.
- Why the interaction with the "goth girl" other than the shock value? He clearly is not interested in her advances, why doesn't she move on in the time it took Don to drink four beers and go in search of an occupied bathroom?
- Why does the music suddenly stop and everyone walk to the bathroom? Just out of the blue, music screeches to a halt for no reason and everyone rushes to the bathroom?
- Why doesn't anyone change throughout the story? Don is still going to get beat up by the bully without Eric to protect him, the girl doesn't remember what happened so what's to keep her from coke'ing out again?
I agree with Zak, the end was telegraphed too strongly early on. Since you don't want him to know ahead of time it's a coke'ed out girl, then maybe let him stumble on her, realize what's going on, then start his hand to the throat thing. The other girl is now going to be real scared, thinking Eric is either there to rape them or kill them, or both. She could start screaming, beating on Eric and/or the walls/doors. This would then catch the attention of everyone else and as they come to the rescue, then the girl comes out of it and while they are stunned, Eric slips out quietly.
I like the "idea" of the various episodes, kind of a Quantum Leap/Touched By An Angel kind of idea. But the execution needs more thought.
Keep at it, and post up any re-writes ... and ask any questions, we're always happy to help out if possible.
Peace,
Larry
Quigon007
Member
Thanks for the advice.. I'll work on the re-writes and let u know when i post the first episode
Eric is MUTE because he hasn't adapted to communicate with humans yet... well through speech that is... until the end of that episode... Don will have a more important role a few episodes later. ERIC just happened to be there when DON was getting harassed.. Used him to get into the dormitory. Maybe I'll scratch everyone running to the door.... just a few people possibly. NOT the whole party.
ERIC is there to save the coke chick from dying....unknowingly. he is told when and where but not who. He just sits there on the couch and waits... cause he can't go around a party looking for someone if he doesn't know what that someone is or what the tragedy is...
The goth chick is just THERE for conversation... a character to pass some time.
Eric is MUTE because he hasn't adapted to communicate with humans yet... well through speech that is... until the end of that episode... Don will have a more important role a few episodes later. ERIC just happened to be there when DON was getting harassed.. Used him to get into the dormitory. Maybe I'll scratch everyone running to the door.... just a few people possibly. NOT the whole party.
ERIC is there to save the coke chick from dying....unknowingly. he is told when and where but not who. He just sits there on the couch and waits... cause he can't go around a party looking for someone if he doesn't know what that someone is or what the tragedy is...
The goth chick is just THERE for conversation... a character to pass some time.
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Blaine
Mr. Hollywood
In other words, it's a static scene and does nothing to move the story forward.
Larry Rutledge
Fest Master
Not trying to be difficult, just asking the questions that come to my mind. I assume since you put it out here that you are open to critique. And in the end, it's your story, you can do whatever you want with it.
He hasn't learned to speak, but he can write perfect english and can read lips? And why can't he hear? If you go with the "hasn't adapted to communication with humans" he should still be able to "hear" audible sounds.
Just my $0.01 9/10 (I'm a writer, can't afford a whole 2 cents :grin: )
Quigon007 said:
He hasn't learned to speak, but he can write perfect english and can read lips? And why can't he hear? If you go with the "hasn't adapted to communication with humans" he should still be able to "hear" audible sounds.
Just my $0.01 9/10 (I'm a writer, can't afford a whole 2 cents :grin: )
Zak Forsman
Major Contributor
I think before you figure out who Don is and what Eric is, you need to ask yourself, "Why is a nameless coke-snorting party girl worth saving? Why was a spaceman/angel sent to rescue her from herself? Why is the loss of her life the catalyst for this story?"
if you were Eric, and charged with saving a life at a party, would you just hang out on the couch? or would you actively try to deduce who was about to be put (or put themselves) in jeopardy? i would. even if I had magic powers from God/space.
Why waste our time with it then? Truth is, the scene isn't as useless as you say. it does serve to reveal that Eric is not at the party for the conventional reasons a person would go to a party.
David W. Richardson
Chapelgrove Films
I don't know that you have to have a reason why the coke girl was 'worth' saving. First of all, life is precious -- so every life is worth saving. Second, there could be a reason that no one, not even Eric, will know. She might make some difference in someone else's life when she's 90 years old, and a ripple effect will continue.
Also, I don't know that it's necessarily true that if Eric knew who he was supposed to be saving, he would just barge into the bathroom and stop her from taking coke. If he did that, she'd just get teed off at him, storm out, and do coke later. Maybe she needs to go to the brink of death in order to see the need for a profound change in her life -- and Eric has to let her get to that point before he pulls her back.
I like the idea of not revealing everything in the first episode -- leaving some questions unanswered. It gives you something to build on. But the point is well made that you need to interest people enough that they will keep coming back for later episodes. You do that by making your characters appealing and your story interesting and compelling. Make people want more.
Just thoughts. Keep it up!
Also, I don't know that it's necessarily true that if Eric knew who he was supposed to be saving, he would just barge into the bathroom and stop her from taking coke. If he did that, she'd just get teed off at him, storm out, and do coke later. Maybe she needs to go to the brink of death in order to see the need for a profound change in her life -- and Eric has to let her get to that point before he pulls her back.
I like the idea of not revealing everything in the first episode -- leaving some questions unanswered. It gives you something to build on. But the point is well made that you need to interest people enough that they will keep coming back for later episodes. You do that by making your characters appealing and your story interesting and compelling. Make people want more.
Just thoughts. Keep it up!
Zak Forsman
Major Contributor
most people who die have a life worth saving, don't they? it's fine if Eric blindly follows instructions from the heavans to save her, but the audience will demand to know why this girl.
heh, heh. yes, barging in would be dumb. what i recommended was simply that Eric be more active, less passive. doesn't mean he has to be successful in finding out who he's suppose to save before she ODs. in fact, storytelling conventions would say he should be unsuccessful to that point. just give the man/angel/spaceguy some viable objective we can latch onto and some real obstacles.
"compelling" was the part I was trying to help with. this first draft has potential, but right now there is nothing about the story that is particularly challenging for the characters, nor does it really reveal anything to me about who they are as characters, just what their role is in this little plot.
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Loki
Veteran
A bully asking for money... from a college student??? What world does this kid live in?
And Don playing WoW a lot... then staying at a party where people are doing cocaine, and getting drunk..
not saying that would never happen.. but.. really? You set Don up as a submissive geek type; not a social drinker... seems way too out of character.
I mean.. I drink often enough... and was quite into WoW last year... but.. this guy seems to do a 180 from what I read him as being..
And Don playing WoW a lot... then staying at a party where people are doing cocaine, and getting drunk..
not saying that would never happen.. but.. really? You set Don up as a submissive geek type; not a social drinker... seems way too out of character.
I mean.. I drink often enough... and was quite into WoW last year... but.. this guy seems to do a 180 from what I read him as being..
Nathan.Buxton
Well-known member
just a tidbit on "episodes." An episode refers to a story in itself. It is completely independent of any other episodes. If you were to serialize this and release it in parts, it would make sense to leave holes. But unless you have a very intricate, intertwined three acts to split into the serials, you will want to stick with episodes.
Each episode should have him changing the lives of a different caharcter or set of characters.. while at the same time, over the course of all the episodes, he himself will change.
Each episode should have him changing the lives of a different caharcter or set of characters.. while at the same time, over the course of all the episodes, he himself will change.