The Curse Script (short)

Cure or curse?

This is too vague: "holding a box," The next part suggests it's a small jewelry box. The initial line could be anything, from a refrigerator box, to anything in-between.

BILL
What made her not want to keep the
ring?
NICK
Sh-she died shortly after finding
the ring.

A subtle issue, they keep repeating the phrase "the ring" which sounds unnatural and unnecessary.

" the ring look very old"

Since that's the only description, and this thing is the centerpiece of the whole plot, shouldn't it have some defining characteristic other than just being old?

"his girlfriend SAM WADE, 25."

These aren't earth-shaking character intros. This also looks like a technical error. Apparently he's talking as if on the phone, not in person. Thus, "his girlfriend SAM WADE, 25" is nowhere near the screen, and we actually don't know who he's talking to from that info (the audience).

"exists his house"

exits.

DOCTOR
We have ran all the tests, you have
the flu go home and sleep. If it
gets worse or any other symptoms
appear, come back.
(Exits the room)

Doesn't sound like a real doctor.

He looks at the ring.
BILL
(Whispers)
The Ring?

Too easy. No struggle to figure it out.

"In 1692, there was a fear of
witches spreading, people would go
on witch..."

Blah blah blah for forty five minutes.

Suspense, man, suspense!

Make Nick an enemy.

The story has potential, but I wouldn't film it as written. Could have gobs more suspense and mystery.
 
hey, takes a long time to learn this stuff, youre making alot of the same mistakes everyone first does-- noone can make your script perfect for you, but heres some improvements:


--cut the backstory to the bone so you have less to explain. combine events, bring characters together, keep the backstory as simple as possible, so that its barely backstory if possible.
--dont have people say what theyre doing- for example why do they say "the ring ?" when they are exchanging the ring cant they just say "it"? try to have ppl talk like they would if they were actually there, not easy to learn
-- have the main character do something bad to deserve his fate- steal the ring, not listen when someone tells him its cursed, etc, work it in. "poetic justice" is part of any story and definitely of any horror story. if you write horror, start to know the horror genre like the back of your hand, this is a basic part.
--add more horror stuff on every page--- the guy hallucinates his own death (more horror tropes - learn em), etc. you cant overdo genre, put genre on every page especially a short, so many bland shorts with parts ppl skip over. better to overdo it then have something boring.

keep going-- my scripts are starting to really rock.

why?

6 years of crappy scripts under my belt
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top