"The Black Book"
- Thread starter realogist
- Start date
Tom Shortridge
Well-known member
If they do it like the regular DVXuserFests, you'll be able to vote because you're entered in the competition. Dunno if that's the case or not.
Either way, you'll still be eligible to give and receive critiques, which is really what the Fests are about.
Welcome, look forward to reading it!
Either way, you'll still be eligible to give and receive critiques, which is really what the Fests are about.
Welcome, look forward to reading it!
MiataFilmSomething
Well-known member
Just finished this one.
The story was a little hard to follow in script format, but I think that problem would be corrected once you see it on film. There was just a lot of transitions going on.
This was a cool idea. Kind of has a neat Total Recall / ExistenZ vibe to it.
The only issue I had is that I think the ending was abrupt and felt a little out of place. Everything seemed rather serious and intense, and then it ended on a light hearted comment. Just didn't seem to fit.
Really good dialog though, and a fun script to read!
The story was a little hard to follow in script format, but I think that problem would be corrected once you see it on film. There was just a lot of transitions going on.
This was a cool idea. Kind of has a neat Total Recall / ExistenZ vibe to it.
The only issue I had is that I think the ending was abrupt and felt a little out of place. Everything seemed rather serious and intense, and then it ended on a light hearted comment. Just didn't seem to fit.
Really good dialog though, and a fun script to read!
Michael Anthony Horrigan
More Cowbell Pictures
Funny, reminded me of Total Recall as well. Funny script though!
Loved the ending.
Cheers,
Mike
Loved the ending.
Cheers,
Mike
Russell Moore
Well-known member
Funny. A really good idea for a script. I was surprised at the ending that wasn't the end and then it ended on a funny note. It worked for me.
Very creative story. It was a good read.
Very creative story. It was a good read.
alex whitmer
Veteran
Script review
Script review
Pretty cool story. I think it needs a little more clarity, and few situations seem 'too convenient'. You had another 3/4 of a page to really play up a good cat an mouse scenario on how Laura and Jackson first meet. I understand this is one man's own fantacy, but at this point in the story, the reader doesn't know that, and it comes off as highly unlikey. Laurea apprears more sophisitcated than to accept such a proposal.
I don't think Janelle really needs to be in the story. Just clutter.
The dialogue is stiff, like old Dragnet-speak. Loosen that up and gove each chaarcter a more defined voice. As it is, it feels like actors at an audition.
A few typos/redundant words.
Really great concept. Work out a few kinks and I think you can call it fantastic.
alex
Script review
Pretty cool story. I think it needs a little more clarity, and few situations seem 'too convenient'. You had another 3/4 of a page to really play up a good cat an mouse scenario on how Laura and Jackson first meet. I understand this is one man's own fantacy, but at this point in the story, the reader doesn't know that, and it comes off as highly unlikey. Laurea apprears more sophisitcated than to accept such a proposal.
I don't think Janelle really needs to be in the story. Just clutter.
The dialogue is stiff, like old Dragnet-speak. Loosen that up and gove each chaarcter a more defined voice. As it is, it feels like actors at an audition.
A few typos/redundant words.
Really great concept. Work out a few kinks and I think you can call it fantastic.
alex
pauly_the_hitman
Veteran
I enjoyed the pace of the story and liked the back and forth. Good job. I would love to see this filmed.
Pauly
Pauly
MrKilloran
Well-known member
I loved it, the twists, turns, everything, you had me until that last additional twist. When Phil's back in the office and he's just like "Whoa", it just felt out of place to me with how great the set-up was before it. Great work on the concept and keep it up.
Thanks for the comments and reviews. This was originally an idea I had for a past 48 hour film project, but did not end up filmming it.
The script was tailored for the 5 actors and 4 locations we had secured before hand.
I noted some typos and would have liked to do some re-writes to tighten up the plot, but alas, procrastination got the best of me
The script was tailored for the 5 actors and 4 locations we had secured before hand.
I noted some typos and would have liked to do some re-writes to tighten up the plot, but alas, procrastination got the best of me
Captain Pierce
Veteran
It's a nice riff on the "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale" concept (I broke that out just because "Total Recall" has already been used ), but I guess the thing I don't get is why Phil becomes Jackson in his fantasy sequences. His line that "I don't like to see myself in my own fantasies" at the end doesn't quite sell the idea (to me, anyway.)
I don't know why this one typo bothered as much as it did, but "faining surprise" should be "feigning."
I like the way you balanced the fantasy scenes and the scenes in the office. All in all, a good read.
), but I guess the thing I don't get is why Phil becomes Jackson in his fantasy sequences. His line that "I don't like to see myself in my own fantasies" at the end doesn't quite sell the idea (to me, anyway.)I don't know why this one typo bothered as much as it did, but "faining surprise" should be "feigning."
I like the way you balanced the fantasy scenes and the scenes in the office. All in all, a good read.
arroway
Well-known member
melodramatic daytime soap dialog in the opening scene.
“Phil, an overworked business man, is at the office of
Fantatech Industries, where memory implants can make all
your fantasies come true.”
So…this is total recall 2? Hopefully tri-tits makes an appearance.
Nice writing style but the ending didn’t seem to fit and thus the story was a miss for me. my gut says go for a comedy . that should help distinguish this from total recall as well which i see now nearly everyone mentioned.
good luck!
“Phil, an overworked business man, is at the office of
Fantatech Industries, where memory implants can make all
your fantasies come true.”
So…this is total recall 2? Hopefully tri-tits makes an appearance.
Nice writing style but the ending didn’t seem to fit and thus the story was a miss for me. my gut says go for a comedy . that should help distinguish this from total recall as well which i see now nearly everyone mentioned.
good luck!