Story Help

[Justin M]

I am trying to work on a story for an upcoming student film I am working on. I am usually a DP but for this particular project I have to direct and coming up with a story for my film. Which is not by strong suit, I prefer lighting a scene and working the camera. I will anywhere between 3 and 7 minutes. I tried to base it on a personal experience. Here is a copy of what I have so far, not in any screen play format I am just trying to get my story worked out.

The News Today

If you cannot control it, go with it.


Scene 1

This story is about Joe a college aged male, and his roommate Eric. Joe arrives back to the empty apartment, mail in hand. He carefully opens a letter and reads it, about halfway through Joe slumps down against the wall. Now visibly upset Joe finishes the letter and throws it aside and leaves the apartment.

Scene 2

Eric enters the apartment sits down to watch TV and notices the letter on the floor. After first ignoring it his curiosity gets the best of him and he picks it up.

Scene 3

Joe arrives at a lake at sunset and sits down still obviously upset about something. A montage begins and we begin cutting back and forth between the too as they mentally struggle with this news.

Scene 4

Eric, while sitting on the couch, sees Joe enter the apartment. Eric tells Joe he saw the letter and knows he has cancer. Joe explains that he has been thinking about it all day and has come to the conclusion that he just needs to fight it. That worrying is a waste of time and emotion, and will not help his situation. Eric taken aback by this response becomes angry. Stating, “How can you be ok with it?” “You know you could die!” Joe shrugs it off and exits into his room, leaving Eric sitting alone in the living room.


Obviously it needs work and I am struggling most with scene three. I want to show their struggle more obviously. At this time in the movie the Joe Character is beginning to accept his situation and the Eric character is delving deeper into depression.

Sorry for the long post and if this is the wrong place to put this please disregard it, or maybe tell me where to post it. Thanks in advance for all your help.

 

[clang]

My problem is that you're withholding too much info from the audience - until scene 4, we have no idea why we're supposed to care about Joe (or eric's reaction), all the film tells us is that he's unhappy about a mysterious letter. Hey, it could have been a bill for an overdue library book fine or this month's electricity.

I say be upfront with the audience, let them see the letter (at least, a closeup of the few sentences which count) as Eric reads it. So the audience can now empathise with both characters' reactions - even more so if you can somehow setup their relationship with each other - are they longtime best friends or just two near-strangers reluctantly sharing accomodation? And I'd prefer not to get that info in a montage in scene 3, it would be better in a scene prior to your scene 1, e.g. show them both coming home together and show us their relationship, they collect the mail, Joe reads his letter while Eric's in a different room then flees, leaving a puzzled Eric wondering where he's gone and what's that letter on the floor. You probably don't need scene 3 at all (at least not the montage, a brief 'sitting by the lake staring into the sunset' shot would be fine).

Then Scene 4 reveals not the big cancer news but instead the confrontation between the two. It needs to surprise both of them and the audience, revealing that their reasons/reactions/feelings aren't quite what we the audience or each other had expected, but of course those reasons/reactions/feelings have to make perfect sense in hindsight. And then how does this new knowledge affect their relationship? - bring them closer together, rip them apart, or whatever...

Hope that's some help.

 

[David W. Richardson]

Actually, I like the mystery of not knowing what the letter says. The fact that Joe collapses to the floor in shock over it is enough to let the audience know that it's not about an overdue library book.

But I have several problems with the story as-is. First off, speaking as a cancer survivor myself, I don't know of anybody who's going to find out they have cancer from a letter. It would at LEAST be a phone call from the doctor. More likely, the doctor would want Joe in his office when he delivers the news. A letter is not only too slow, it could get lost. With cancer, time is critical.

Joe's reaction seems a little too.....I don't know.....easy? Granted, he should decide to fight. There's just something missing there. And Eric's reaction makes no sense to me at all. It's not logical or rational. "How can you be okay with it?" Joe didn't say he was okay with it -- he said he's going to FIGHT it. "You know you could die!" Well gee, of course he knows that. That's why it hit him so hard. If Eric is a good friend, he'll be concerned and upset, but totally supportive of Joe's decision to fight. After all, what's the alternative? Just giving up and dying?

It might be a stronger story if Joe DOES give up and decide to die. Not only die, but take his own life. And Eric finds Joe at the lake and stops him at the last moment. Eric could be the one to tell Joe he needs to fight, not give up -- and he won't be fighting alone.

I can tell you, when you're told you have cancer, giving up is very tempting. You need friends, you need support, you need encouragement -- and you need to know you are NOT alone.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[David W. Richardson]

Here's an alternative....

Joe reads the letter. Collapses from the shock. A short time later he exits the apartment, visibly upset. A neighbor says hi, but Joe brushes past him without a word, looking like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. The neighbor looks worried. Mystery #1 -- what was in the letter that upset Joe?

A bit later Eric enters the apartment. Maybe he has a pizza. Calls Joe's name, but no answer. Seems odd. Eric spots the letter on the floor and reads it, to his horror. He runs into Joe's room and pulls open a drawer. Says "Oh ****!" and runs out of the apartment. Okay, we've solved Mystery #1 -- Joe has cancer. But now we have Mystery #2 -- what was in the drawer that made Eric run out in a panic?

This takes us to Joe at the lake. Some filler here. Then Joe pulls a pistol from his pocket and puts it in his mouth. (Now we know what was missing from the drawer.) But before he can pull the trigger, Eric shows up and stops him. Finish the story.

 

[texvanwinkle]

chapel's right: Keep the mystery, absolutely. The very first rule of writing--any kind of writing--is to keep the reader turning pages. Mystery does that, even--if it's done well--if we don't even know the characters all that well yet.

The first rule of screenwriting, you could say, is to render that mystery visually. Film is a visual medium; challenge yourself to see how much storytelling you can do with no dialogue.

Chapel gives a good alternative: keep the mystery going, using visuals. Now in my opinion--and it's solely my opinion--the pistol-in-the-mouth bit is a little too melodramatic. If you use the pistol, I say just have him holding it, or lying by his side. Personally, if I were going to use the pistol and go that kind of dramatic route, I'd have the friend find only the envelope, not the letter. He sees the return address says an oncologist, so he knows it's serious. When he finally gets to the lake, he hears a gunshot, freaks, runs, then comes up short when he finds his friend standing over something, pointing his pistol at the ground. He's shot not himself, but the letter. He's going to fight.

That's one way to go. But is it who the characters are? You have to be careful not to have the plot drive the characters. That's where Clang is right, too: For one, yes, ditch the montage--it's too easy--but two, let the audience know something about the characters from the outset, and let that dictate how your story goes. What kind of friends are they? How long have they known each other? Find ways to show that information visually, without exposition--pictures of each other together (sports, frat, etc.), notes to each other in the kitchen, etc. And how do they express themselves? Is one a musician? Athlete? Clerk? What?

The more you can decide some of that, the more sparks you'll get about how they'd relate to each other on something of this magnitude. Frankly, in my mind, I see the friend searching for Joe in all the usual places, and Joe not in the usual places, because this isn't a usual thing. Maybe after searching around, he finds Joe walking along the road, and they have the conversation right there, along a stretch of meaningless road.

Don't be cute. Don't be clever. Be truthful to who the people in your story are.

My three cents.

 

[clang]

Well, if you want mystery and suspense, remove scene 1 entirely - start with Eric coming home and finding Joe's dropped letter on the floor, Eric freaks out, goes hunting for Joe, can't find him anywhere, eventually finds him somewhere unexpected and their confrontation doesn't pan out the way that Eric (or the audience) expected.

 

[David W. Richardson]

Well, if you want mystery and suspense, remove scene 1 entirely - start with Eric coming home and finding Joe's dropped letter on the floor, Eric freaks out, goes hunting for Joe, can't find him anywhere, eventually finds him somewhere unexpected and their confrontation doesn't pan out the way that Eric (or the audience) expected.

It seems to me that that is mystery without concern or involvement. True, we don't know why finding a letter about cancer on the floor would upset Eric so much, and that is a mystery. But we know that he isn't the person with the cancer. We don't know who the person is, because all we have is a name on a letter. It seems like it detaches the audience too much from the person whose life is in danger.

If it were me, I'd establish Joe very well as a character. Make him likable in some way. Maybe on his way to the apartment he's smiling, cheerful, speaks to the neighbor who is outside, etc. Gets inside, is thumbing through the mail while listening to a message on the answering machine from Eric -- saying he's bringing pizza home. Maybe also saying he's got a date for later, but they'll chow down first. As Eric is talking, Joe reads the letter and collapses onto the floor just as Eric's cheerful message comes to an end. When he leaves the apartment, going past the same neighbor, his entire personality has changed. And now we're concerned.

BTW, the letter shouldn't be from an oncologist. Generally speaking, if you've gone to an oncologist for tests, then cancer isn't much of a surprise.

If Joe takes the letter with him, then all Eric knows is that a letter came from an oncologist -- not what the results were. I like the imagery of Joe shooting the letter, but I hate contriving a set of circumstances that allows Joe to have the letter with him at the lake.

Does it have to be cancer? Could it be divorce papers filed by Joe's wife, from whom he is separated but hopeful of reconciling with? That way there would be a cover letter explaining what was being sent. Joe could take the divorce papers with him, but leave the cover letter behind for Eric to find. Just a thought.

 

[texvanwinkle]

The cancer theme has bothered me from the start. It doesn't strike me as something you'd find out about in a letter. (Good pt. about the letter coming from an oncologist, BTW.) Something emotionally compelling but a step down the ladder from that I think is a good thing. And divorce papers you definitely could get in a letter. I prefer that. (Re: the contrivance of the letter at the lake, that would have to be established as character business, as something that he would do. It could be done, but I agree it would have to be done just right.)

You could go with Clang's suggestion--starting with the friend--but you'd have to do some heavy-lifting exposition in a short time to establish the bond between the friends and that they live together to ensure the discovery scene isn't confusing.

Taking chapel's lead, you could use the neighbor to help set it up. Have the neighbor ask Eric what's wrong with Joe as Eric heads into the apartment. When Eric asks about it, the neighbor says Joe left in a state a little while before. In two lines you've established that they're roommates and that something happened to Joe after he got home. Some creative visual exposition once Eric comes in can help reinforce the type of friendship they have.

 

[Justin M]

Thanks for the responses so far, the news coming in a letter thing was not my original idea I had thought maybe he had a hospital tag bracelet on instead (I am also a cancer survivor and know the news does not come by mail). The problem with bracelet is that he does not receive the news. Any way I still need to read through all your comments but before I even saw them I made these revisions. I will continue to change as read through all the comments. Thanks again.

Scene 1

Joe arrives at the empty apartment, a pile of mail in his hand (a few letters, a few magazines). He’s holding the mail in one hand, at his side, but once he closes the door, brings the stack up and starts flipping through it. He arrives at one particular envelope (letter size or manila?), and keeping his eyes on it, sets the rest of the mail down on a table or something. He opens the envelope carefully, deliberately, and pulls out the letter, reading it. He looks up, looks at the letter again for a moment, then slumps down against the wall, tossing the letter aside and burying his head in his hands. He stays there for a moment, then sighs, gets up, and leaves the apartment (slamming the door?)

Scene 2

Eric enters the apartment and plops down on the couch (chair?) nonchalantly (should creak or let out air under him). He picks up the remote and turns on the TV, keeping his eyes on the TV for a second before glancing down and seeing the letter on the floor. He looks back up at the TV, then at the letter, and finally picks it up. He begins to read.

Scene 3

Joe arrives at a lake at sunset and picks up a rock, studying it in his open palm for a moment before chucking it as hard as he can. He sits down and hangs his head.
A montage begins—cut to Eric at the apartment turning the TV off while still looking at the letter (before he was slumped in the couch, but he sits forward now, bringing the letter close to his face)
- cut to Joe, looking out over the lake, shaking his head, throwing another rock
- cut to Eric, who is pacing now, his brow knit, slams the letter on the kitchen counter
- cut to Joe, studying a rock in his hand, lets out a sigh, then closes his palm around the rock (pebble, discarded plastic GI Joe, bouncy ball, some little memento that takes on a symbolic significance). He stands up, and walks away.

Scene 4

Eric is sitting on the couch, leaning forward, shaking his knee impatiently. Joe enters the apartment and Eric watches Joe go into the kitchen and open the fridge (or something). He says he saw the letter. Joe closes the fridge and moves to the counter, where the letter is (a moment of silence hangs after Eric says he saw the letter). Joe finally says he’s been thinking about it, and he’s just going to fight it. He can’t really do anything else besides that. Eric’s face twists in anger, and he says, “That’s it? You know you could…” he doesn’t finish the sentence, looking away from Joe. Joe shrugs, looks at the memento in his hand, sets it on top of the letter, then leaves. Eric hangs his head.

 

[Lt_Col_Wade]

I agree with all of the above discussion as far as the piece. A few other questions to consider: Who would you consider the protagonist for the piece? What decisions are they making? And how can we visually see these decisions?

If Joe is the protagonist, we need to see the moment he decides to fight. If Eric is the protagonist, he needs to do more than just wait for Eric to get back.

What would you consider the conflict of the piece?

If it's Joe deciding whether to fight or not (as it seems like youre playing) you need to establish that there is a choice to be made - I think most audience members will assume that he would fight it unless you establish why he might not (money, his character is a defeatist, etc.). And if we're assuming that he will fight it, theres no payoff because what happens in the end is exactly what we expected.

I would also still look at your ending. I don't understand what else Eric thinks Joe could do, or where the conflict is coming from in this scene (which should be your climax from structure - we finally see these two characters together). Theres some tension that Eric has read the note, but Joe's reveal that he is fighting isn't surprising to us and Eric's reaction still feels off.

Like previously mentioned, I think your biggest challenge will be to keep this from going melodramatic - as a cancer survivor, you definitely have the insight to do this right, but weighty topics like cancer are just hard to do in a short of 3-7 minutes without it feeling melodramatic because youre asking us to buy into some pretty big character moments without really knowing these characters. Finding ways to really flesh out these characters and give them some personality very quickly would be key in my opinion.

Hope this helps!

 

[clang]

The ending just isn't working for me, it's far too low key. You've structured the film like a mystery (why is Joe upset, why is Eric upset that Joe's upset), the mystery is then solved for the audience (Joe has cancer) and then... not much. If you're going to keep that structure, we need some more revelation/twist/development at the end - the obvious choice would be for Joe and Eric to not have the predictable reactions we the audience had assumed, they are indeed both justifiably upset, but for different reasons. Purely as a hypothetical example: Joe is now going to climb Mount Everest (or die in the attempt), Eric is upset because Joe has talked about this crazy idea before and Joe thinks it's a pathetic waste of the rest of Joe's life, but Joe is determined to 'live' his last few months. Or whatever. The point being: the audience is forced to reconsider their preconceptions and attitudes, they have to think about who they agree with and what they'd do in that same situation.

Anyway, I suggest you strengthen the ending, then work backwards, everything building towards the ending. The cancer revelation shouldn't be the biggest emotional hit of the film, it should just be one big whammy on the way to a bigger powerful ending.

And also consider changing the overall structure. Personally I like your existing scene 4 as an opening scene, cut scenes 1-3 entirely and add some more plot after Joe and Eric's confrontation.