SOLEMN -- opinions please (WARNING - long post!)

David W. Richardson

Chapelgrove Films
SOLEMN
By David W. Richardson
 
"I do not understand what is happening," the young Merchant whispers into the ear of the Elder, who sits in his fine robes and jewels, smoking his herb and watching intently the spectacle before them.

The palace gaming room has never been so crowded as this night. The Sultan sits upon his customary cushioning, a bevy of attendants fluttering about him like hummingbirds. The crowd – all men – sit transfixed, in utter silence, as the Scribe patiently studies the cards laid out upon the table at which he sits. It is a complicated layering of colors and symbols, a game as ancient as the universe. Even the Sultan cannot remove his eyes from the table, as he licks his lips absentmindedly.

Beside the Sultan, a beautiful young woman stands shackled to a whipping post, her once resplendent robes now tattered and smeared with dirt. She is the Sultan’s daughter -- a lovely young woman with eyes like the bluest sapphires, hair golden as the sun and skin as cream. She is the fairest, most lovely maiden in all the kingdom. There is not a man of age in the land who does not adore her, yet few dare speak of it.

Now a prisoner, the Sultan’s daughter looks fearfully at a man who stands at the edge of the crowd – the only man in the gaming room who is not intently watching the game. He is a young man. A Priest, whose dark eyes are filled with anguish. He never takes his eyes off the Sultan’s daughter, not even for a moment. Yet his heart is dark with a fear of his own.

A heavy perfumed smoke hangs lazily in the air as the Scribe moves one of the cards, placing it atop another. Anxious whispers come from the crowd of onlookers.

The Elder smiles slightly. Without turning his gaze, he addresses the young Merchant at his side.

"It is quite simple, my young friend." The Elder takes a puff from his herb. "The young Scribe plays the game of Solemn for the life of the Sultan’s daughter."

(Solemn, as you know, is an intricate game of cards, played by a lone player.)

"Ahh, I see." The young Merchant replies with a sly smile. "If he should win, the lovely becomes his prize."

"Not at all," the Elder says with a sigh.

The young Merchant is puzzled. "But…..if he loses, the girl dies, yes?"

"Yes," says the Elder. "If the Scribe loses, then the Sultan’s daughter will be taken to the yard and hacked to death by the swords of the Royal Guards. Then the Scribe’s own hands will be cut off and his eyes torn from their sockets. He will be condemned to be a blind beggar for the rest of his days."

The young Merchant gasps!

"If, that is, the Scribe loses."

At that moment, the Scribe deals a fresh set of cards onto the stacks from an ever-dwindling deck. A ripple of trepidation flows through the crowd.

"I see, I see!" says the Merchant. "So the Scribe plays the game to save the life of the lovely. As would any man!"

The Elder chuckles.

"No other man would accept the conditions the Sultan has placed upon this game."

The Merchant looks at him quizzically.

At length the Elder explains.

"If the Scribe loses the game, the results……well, they are as I have already explained."

"Yes? Yes?" the Merchant says eagerly.

"But if the Scribe wins the game………then it is HE who will be hacked to death by the Royal Guards. The Sultan’s daughter will go free, and will resume her lover." The Elder points to the Priest at the edge of the crowd.

The young Merchant falls to his knees in shock. He cannot believe what he has heard.

"But….but….I do not understand. Why would he….? Why would ANYONE…?"

The Elder turns and looks the Merchant directly in the eye.

"Because, my young friend……he loves her."

The Merchant is aghast. He ponders this horrible scenario for a long time, as the game play continues. Cards are dealt. Moves are made. The tension in the room grows almost unbearable.

"Wait," the young Merchant says at last. "Wait. I know. Surely the Scribe is so expert at the game of Solemn that he knows how to play it to a draw. And thus win freedom for himself AND his love. Yes?"

The Elder shakes his head. "I know the Scribe well. He has never played Solemn before, not once in all his days. Even a skilled player could not play the game to a draw."

The Merchant is bewildered.

"And what if he could," the Elder continues. "What would it profit him to do so?"

"Well surely the lovely would be his forever, knowing what he had risked to save her."

The Elder makes a small noise. "No my friend. She would kiss him upon the cheek in earnest gratitude, and then leave this place in the arms of her lover. For it is the Priest whom she loves, not the Scribe."

"How in the name of all that is holy can this be? I know you say he loves her. But he should leave her and find another to love. The world is full, and there are many others."

The Elder turns to the Merchant in earnest. "Tell me my young friend......are you in love?"

The Merchant beams proudly, "Indeed. With a fine woman!"

The Elder’s eyes narrow. "Have you loved before?"

The Merchant nods. "A time or two."

The Elder leans close to the Merchant, all seriousness in his face. "Then I tell you this one truth, my friend – you have never loved at all. For if you had found the same true love that this young Scribe has, then you would have known in that very instant that you had never truly loved before, nor would you ever love any other."

The Merchant scoffs at this, but the Elder only smiles.

"Imagine that all your life you have eaten butter and thought it was honey.....and then you tasted honey."

The jaw of the young Merchant drops open in wonder as he grasps the old man’s words.

The Elder smiles. "Love is not something you bestow first upon one, then upon another. Love is a force of life. It commands whom you shall love, and it does not sway. The Scribe is powerless to alter its course. This woman’s name was engraved by the Creator upon the heart of the Scribe at his birth. No power in the universe can change it. No matter whom the Sultan’s daughter may love, the Scribe will forever love only her, unto the end of time."

The Merchant shakes his head.

"Then it is a terrible thing we are witnessing here this night."

"Is it?" the Elder ponders.

"Yes, most certainly. Because of love, this man has chosen either unimaginable death or horrible mutilation. He has destroyed his own life. And for what? To save the life of a woman who cares not for him? A woman whose only wish is to leave him and go to be with another? How can this be true? How can this be LOVE?"

"How can it not?" the Elder retorts, raising his voice for the first time. "Do you not understand? This man, this Scribe, has lost the one true love of his life. What matters to him if the Guards cut him down? He is dead already, in his soul. What matters if they take his hands and his eyes? He cannot touch her. He cannot see her. What use are his hands and his eyes to him now? Yes, he may be a beggar for life. But can you not see that in truth he is a beggar already?"

The Merchant opens his mouth, but cannot form any words.

"There is only one good thing left that this Scribe can do for the woman he loves. And we are here to witness his last, most courageous act. If he had refused to play the game, it’s true – he would have lived. But his love would already have fallen to the Guards’ swords. A slow, horrible, bloody, agonizing death. How could he bear such a thing? The only hope he has of saving her life is by sacrificing his own. And should he die, he will know, with every agonizing cut, that he has saved his beloved from this same torture. There is great blessing in that."

The Merchant contemplates the Scribe with a new sense of awe, amazement.....and respect.

"I wonder," says the Merchant. "Would the maiden be so willing to give her own life to the Guards’ swords in order to save the life of her Priest – even if she knew HE loved someone else and not her?"

The Elder murmurs. "Only the maiden and the Creator know that answer."

A sudden ROAR courses through the crowd as the Scribe lays down the final card.

The Merchant looks around, confused, trying to see what has happened.

"He has WON!" come the cries. "How did he DO it??? The Scribe has WON!"

As the Merchant realizes the gravity of what has happened, tears fall from his eyes.

"He has not won," the Merchant sobs. "He has lost. He has lost his life."

The Elder places a hand upon the young man’s shoulder. "But he has won peace. Do you not see that? He has saved the life of his one true love, and now he goes from this life of neverending torment to his own eternal peace."

The Merchant looks up into the old man’s eyes. "But he goes to his peace ALONE."

"No my son," the Elder replies. "No man goes to his peace alone."

The Merchant watches as the Scribe rises from the table and bows respectfully to the Sultan, who returns the gesture.

The Sultan’s daughter has been released from her shackles. She glances at the Scribe for a moment, then rushes into the arms of the Priest whom she loves.

With an image of infinite peace upon his face, the Scribe takes a long last look at the woman he loves. Then he turns and walks willingly with the Royal Guards, out of the gaming room and toward the nearby yard.
 
 
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i imagine with the amount of views so far and no replies that people have maybe turned away due to the size of the post... but mate, what a GREAT bloody read. tell me this is yours? wow.

I'd do just ONE thing though. In the end, I'd take out from:
"He has not won," the Merchant sobs. "He has lost. He has lost his life."

To:

"No my son," the Elder replies. "No man goes to his peace alone."

I didn't see the point in this section. I feel that the merchants actions - "As the Merchant realizes the gravity of what has happened, tears fall from his eyes." - says it all. And we as the audience already see that "he has won peace" etc.

Far out, what a good read. Good stuff. It MIGHT be hard to pull off as a short film because of all the talking BUT, I'd see to converting this into a script if i were you. there is that, OR you could write a whole piece (novel, script or PLAY) and revolve it around this. I don't know, I'm not a pro, but I'd definitely do something. very tragic and very, very good.

Siraj
 
also, having said that "it MIGHT be hard to pull off as a short film" - I, for one, would definitely watch it and enjoy it. Despite the talking.

:D Siraj
 
I'd suggest rewriting it in past-tense rather than the present-tense presentation it's in, now.

Just a personal preference; somehow present-tense storytelling has always impressed me as stilted. I've never seen anyone pull it off very well.

I have to chew on it a bit if you want any further response.
 
Well, sure - if you wrote it that way I figured you must like it that way!

I think it's an effective piece of storytelling. It's a lot of fun to imagine how this could be done visually.
 
May I ask what you see this story as becoming? A film? If so, I'd have some other comments, but as it is it reads like book-prose, which is slightly puzzling considering it's posted on this board.
 
May I ask what you see this story as becoming? A film? If so, I'd have some other comments, but as it is it reads like book-prose, which is slightly puzzling considering it's posted on this board.

Well Ted, the board is "Screenplay/Writing" and it says "Discuss Scripts and Writing here." So I take that to mean it's not strictly limited to discussions of scripts for films, but also writing in general. Maybe I'm wrong.

I don't see it necessarily becoming anything. It's just nice to get feedback on something, that's all.
 
At first, seeing the length of the post I hesitated. Then I began reading. It kept me reading. With a slight re-write (and perhaps shortening), I could see this story being produced as a video sermon illustration like those you see on sermonspice.com.

It's a story of unconditional love. It could have many applications.

Good job!

Tom Dickerson
 
Something that has been nagging at me...

...why isn't the Priest being punished, or obliged to play the game to avoid/deflect punishment, himself? Does the Sultan hold only his daughter responsible for the affair, and the Priest is off the hook, and gets to ride off into the sunset with the girl after another man who wasn't even her lover dies for their offense? That would be kind of odd...not to mention unjust.
 
Something that has been nagging at me...

...why isn't the Priest being punished, or obliged to play the game to avoid/deflect punishment, himself? Does the Sultan hold only his daughter responsible for the affair, and the Priest is off the hook, and gets to ride off into the sunset with the girl after another man who wasn't even her lover dies for their offense? That would be kind of odd...not to mention unjust.

Several things. This is patterned after an ancient Middle East culture. In such a culture it is not unusual for only the woman to be punished for a 'scandalous' affair. Second, although the Priest shows grave concern for the Sultan's daughter, it is never explicitly stated that he shares her feelings. And in fact, the transgression that she committed is never actually spelled out. It may have nothing to do with her relationship with the Priest.

There are many possibilities. :)
 
It's explicitly stated in dialog that the Priest is the Sultan's daughter's lover.

I suppose that maybe the character saying that doesn't really understand what's going on and is therefore just mistaken, but it seems to me that if this is the case we're free to dispense with anything he has to say on the matter, at all.

Do you know what is really going on in the story? Or is it sort of a mystery piece where nothing is really set in place...?

I don't know what period or society you have in mind - unless it's sort of a generic 'Arabian Nights' setting divorced from real history - but illicitly seducing the wife or daughter of a Sultan (or any man, really, although someone in the ruling class would obviously be more dangerous to cross, than a less powerful person) would have been considered a crime - effectively a crime of property - from the pre-Islamic period forward; heck, Herodotus writes about the strict control under which men and women were permitted to interact in Arab societies...
 
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Max, you make a valid point about the 'lover' reference. In rewrite, I was developing it so that she loves the Priest, but he doesn't return her affection, though he cares for her as he cares for all people.

As to the society -- this is a fantasy. A society that, while based upon a generic Middle Eastern culture, does not truly exist. So the absolutes of any culture, past or present, don't strictly apply.

And again, it's never said what 'crime' the girl is being punished for. It may have nothing at all to do with her relationship with the Priest.

Perhaps the Scribe curried great favor with the Sultan, through his stories and sonnets. He entertained, delighted and intrigued the Sultan, and they grew close. The Scribe made no secret of his love for the daughter. Out of loyalty to her father, the daughter tried to return the Scribe's affection, but could not -- for she found herself drawn to another. This broke the heart of the Scribe. When the Sultan learned of this, he was furious that his daughter had so devastated and damaged this Scribe whom the Sultan befriended. The Scribe tried to explain to the Sultan that he understood and could not blame the daughter, but the Sultan would not listen. To the Sultan, a great shame had been brought upon both him and his family. For that, the daughter must pay.

As you can see, it's not hard to imagine a backstory that would be suitable to the construct of the story. And again, the daughter's transgression may have nothing at all to do with either the Scribe or the Priest, or any relationship. There are all sorts of possibilities.
 
I agree that for many characters there are a number of plausible motivations for their actions in a story. But generally the writer knows what the character's motivation is, even if it's not explicit in the story - I'm just curious as to what that motivation is, even though it's not discussed in dialog. Or, if that's an unknown to you as well, I'm interested in knowing that.
 
I found it interesting. I actually hoped it would end differently. Looking for the twist where the daughters love of the priest will actually be tested. This had a Tarantino style of telling a story. I could picture a film much like Pulp Fiction with this as a scene. Would be interesting to say the least, NICE WORK!
 
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