Postmaster
Dark Side of the Camera
Blues 101 for you musicians and songwriters....or wannabes.
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest
face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got
teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch--ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, Old Lincolns and broken-down
trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Hummers. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a south bound train (never north).
Jet aircraft andcompany motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walk-in' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing
the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in Harlem but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, Memphis, St. Louis, Mobile, New Orleans and Kansas City are still
the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place
that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing in Aspen is not
the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is
wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:On a rural dirt road; Jailhouse; An empty bed;
Bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues: Nordstrom's; Gallery openings; Ivy league
institutions; Golf courses; On a tennis court in Hilton Head
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happento be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
13. You have the right to sing the Blues if:
Ain't got nobody to love
You blind
You broke
Nobody loves you
14. You don't have the right to sing the Blues if:
You have all your teeth
You were once blind but now can see
You have a pension fund
You have a personal chef
15. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly people also got a legup on
the blues.
16. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you kerosene, it's the Blues.
17. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
Cheap wine,Whiskey or bourbon,
Muddy water, Nasty black coffee
18. The following are NOT Blues beverages:
Perrier, Chardonnay or Dom
Perignon champagne, Snapple,Evian
19. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is
the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while
getting liposuction.
20. Some Blues names for women: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, Fat River
Dumpling, Fanny
21. Some Blues names for men: Joe, Willie, Lil' Willie, Big Willie, Catfish
22. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing
the Blues...neither can Kevin, Justin, or Devon no matter how many men they
shoot in Memphis.
23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a.) name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Deaf, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Melon, Kiwi,
etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example:
Blind Lime Jefferson,
Jackleg Lemon Johnson
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
Exceptions that don´t work:
Squint-eyed Eggplant Clinton
Rickety Cherry Bush
Footsore Plum Regan
24. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer,
youcannot sing the blues.
:beer: Frank
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest
face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got
teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch--ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, Old Lincolns and broken-down
trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Hummers. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a south bound train (never north).
Jet aircraft andcompany motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walk-in' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing
the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in Harlem but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, Memphis, St. Louis, Mobile, New Orleans and Kansas City are still
the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place
that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing in Aspen is not
the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is
wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:On a rural dirt road; Jailhouse; An empty bed;
Bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues: Nordstrom's; Gallery openings; Ivy league
institutions; Golf courses; On a tennis court in Hilton Head
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happento be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
13. You have the right to sing the Blues if:
Ain't got nobody to love
You blind
You broke
Nobody loves you
14. You don't have the right to sing the Blues if:
You have all your teeth
You were once blind but now can see
You have a pension fund
You have a personal chef
15. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly people also got a legup on
the blues.
16. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you kerosene, it's the Blues.
17. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
Cheap wine,Whiskey or bourbon,
Muddy water, Nasty black coffee
18. The following are NOT Blues beverages:
Perrier, Chardonnay or Dom
Perignon champagne, Snapple,Evian
19. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is
the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while
getting liposuction.
20. Some Blues names for women: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, Fat River
Dumpling, Fanny
21. Some Blues names for men: Joe, Willie, Lil' Willie, Big Willie, Catfish
22. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing
the Blues...neither can Kevin, Justin, or Devon no matter how many men they
shoot in Memphis.
23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a.) name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Deaf, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Melon, Kiwi,
etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example:
Blind Lime Jefferson,
Jackleg Lemon Johnson
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
Exceptions that don´t work:
Squint-eyed Eggplant Clinton
Rickety Cherry Bush
Footsore Plum Regan
24. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer,
youcannot sing the blues.
:beer: Frank
