Short Script: Veritas

S

Shaw

Veteran
Hey guys,

Thought I would post the script for a short film I've been working on (I've posted images in the screening room in the past). I'm going to reshoot the entire script with a better cast and crew sometime in the future so any comments or thoughts would be most appreciated. It's really quite short (though due to the very image intensive nature takes longer than than the script would suggest).

http://www.weet.us/veritas.html

Thanks :)
 
Anyone?

It's meant to be 100% metaphorical so I'm curious how the effect turned out when others read the script.
 
Hey Shaw,
Thought I'd leave you a bit of feedback on your script. :)

Since it's really a visual script, there's not a lot to say about it. In the end, your intent and meaning is clear. A great deal of this will depend on how you execute your visuals in camera and in the editing.

The only thing that I could see as being a potential drawback was the moment when the prisoner punches the ground in frustration. Unless you have a really grade-A actor, that could come across cheesy and take the audience out of your narrative. Also, for someone who's a prisoner of their own making, he managed to free himself a little too easily.

I'd drop the punching of the ground and replace it with an emotional struggle against his immanent change. Maybe have the prisoner turn from the gaze of the cloaked figure in fear, emotionally fighting his beckoning. Then when the prisoner gets the courage to look at the cloaked figure again, he sees him leaving. Prisoner turns away again, pauses for a beat as he gathers courage, one last look in the reflective pool, then rises; uncertain as he follows the cloaked figure out of the cave.

Curious to see how it turns out.
 
Thank you kindly sir :). I definitely see what you mean. Definitely some good things to ponder there. Thanks!
 
Shaw,

I think your script has some great visual elements, but there is very little "meat on the bone".

There is no real conflict or story. As it is now, it is very (for lack of a better term) artsy-fartsy.

Who is this person in the story, what are they struggling against, and why do we care about them?

Don't get me wrong, I think you can create very cool visuals with this script, but you need more of a story if you hope to engage an audience.

But what do I know,

Chris
 
I think what CMessineo says has merit. The story doesn't do it for me, but for the record, I wasn't judging the story so much as the writing and execution because story is a subjective thing. I mean what one person likes, another doesn't, etc. So I evaluated based on the writing of the story that was being told, not the story itself. :beer:
 
The story was meant to be a protracted metaphor. I intentionally left the script with as little dialogue as possible etc. It really wasn't meant to be your classic short script.

I see your point though. I really need to strengthen the conflict. It's mostly internal conflict played out in representative visual imagery. If the imagery isn't strong enough (I didn't go into great depth as I intended to shoot the script myself) then the piece fails. The person is meant to be representative of any person and any *specific conflic* - the conflict is all representative so that the viewer can interpret it in his/her own manner (the crux of all good metaphor really). Does that make any sense? I'm rambling now =D.
 
Well intent is everything with short film scripts. So take whatever criticism that comes your way with the understanding of your own intent.

To me, your script read as a visual exercise; something you could shoot as a practice piece to sharpen your chops as a director and post production. I wouldn't look this story and think 'entertainment based piece'; something to garner public interest/favor, possibly sell and further your career as a film maker.

If your intent is the latter of the two, well... then I'd urge you to consider a different story to tell. :laugh:

But if it's the former, then I think you're right on track. We all learn by doing and you're doing. Keep doing and don't let nothin' stop ya! :thumbsup:
 
Shaw said:
Does that make any sense? I'm rambling now =D.
Click to expand...

I got the meaning behind your story. It was clear in the end what you were trying to say. But as you guessed yourself, you should punch up the conflict some more. Shouldn't take much to do that and then you'll have a stronger execution of this story.

Cheers :thumbsup:
 
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