Short Script - "The Good Book" - Desperately Need Feedback! - Shooting This Saturday!

[Solomon Chase]

Short Script - "The Good Book" - Desperately Need Feedback! - Shooting This Saturday!

I am shooting a film about a con man and two elderly guys this weekend.

I have some excellent actors interested, but the only two actors who read my script also dropped out!

I'm having some reservations about the script now and would like to hear some opinions.

It's a really quick read, a little over 3 pages.

LINK TO PDF

 

[Yeddi]

I actually really liked this one. Funny. Two issues though.

Firstly, where does one hide a revolver when they are only wearing a bath robe?? The gun should be somewhere else I think, as if the old man toddles around his house with a gun in his pants. He might have gone and got it when he got the drink, but I think it would be better stashed somewhere else.

Secondly, seeing as his friend has just rung to tell him to watch this guy, do you really need the con-man reveal as the plumber etc. Seems like redundant info. Could Randall not just notice something of his is missing too?

 

[Solomon Chase]

I actually really liked this one. Funny. Two issues though.

Firstly, where does one hide a revolver when they are only wearing a bath robe?? The gun should be somewhere else I think, as if the old man toddles around his house with a gun in his pants. He might have gone and got it when he got the drink, but I think it would be better stashed somewhere else.

Secondly, seeing as his friend has just rung to tell him to watch this guy, do you really need the con-man reveal as the plumber etc. Seems like redundant info. Could Randall not just notice something of his is missing too?

Thanks for the kind words.

Good point about the gun.

The thing I was trying to get across is that Randall and Bill have bad memory. Randall doesn't believe Bill, but tells him he'll be cautious.

If I cut the plumber flashback, wouldn't I need to cut all the dialogue alluding to it too?

Here's two other endings I thought of:
1. After the flashbacks, the old man shakes it off as nonsense and the con man gets away with it. An ironic/unexpected ending.
2. He chases away the con-man, then the next day or week, the same guy shows up as a jewelry dealer. I would have to play up the old guy(s) as suffering from bad memory.

 

[Yeddi]

It's actually the ending that I liked about the script, don't change it!!!

Sometimes as writers, we get something stuck in our head so much that we stubbornly refuse to change it, but rather change everything else around it to make it fit, and therefore can sometimes remove the bits that were gold! We all do it, if anyone says they don't, they're lying. That's why it's good to get outside perspective and be ruthless with your own writing.

I don't think you need to reveal the con-man's past, we know he's no good from the fact he's stealing from an old man. It really doesn't matter if he has a history of crime past Bill. You could reveal that Randall has a bad memory by him coming back from the kitchen without a drink, momentarily surprising the con-man, but then remembers why he went to the kitchen in the first place and goes and gets the drink. This would also build more tension then a flashback, or off hand remark about being on an ad because the con-man almost got caught. The reaction of the con-man at almost being caught could make Randall suspicious and could be funny in itself depending how you work it. Another nice touch might be that when Randall comes back with the drink, he forgets who it's for and drinks it himself.

When I envisioned it I saw these two old codgers (similar to grumpy old men), and with Randall I would have thought it would be particularly funny if it wasn't a revolver but like a pump shot gun that this originally feeble-looking old guy suddenly pulls from beside his armchair.

JMO