Short Screenplay Idea

[Minitrini]

If you've read my other thread, you'll see that a lot of posters have recommended to keep writing as practice; even while watching films and reading how to books to truly immerse myself into the world of screenplay.

So I've decided to write a short film, and hopefully go to the beach one day and film it. Here's the basic story so far.

A recent high school graduate who hasn't swam in the past ten years decides to break his streak, and go to the beach with a few friends to celebrate. While on they way there, they almost run over a man searching for his son near a secluded cove. The friends decide to drive off and find help, while the kid stays to help the man look for his son. The man keeps insisting that the kid knows where his son is, but the kid denies this, yet keeps helping him in his search. They make their way to the main beach, where the man asks a lifeguard. The lifeguard addresses him by name and tells him to 'go home, its been a long day'. The man freaks out and starts grabbing and screaming at random people in the beach, sobbing and crying for his son. After shouting out a description, the kid suddenly tells the man that he knows where his son is.

He takes the man to the same secluded cove, and tells him that a decade ago while at the beach with his family, he swam out a bit farther. He saw a body float past him, lifted by a wave. The kid got out of the water, dried off, and never spoke of that day or swam again. The man smiles, and simply thanks the kid. He tells him that now, he knows where to find his son; he's been looking in the wrong place. The kid asks him what he's doing, and the man wades into the water. The kid tries to grab him and stop the man, but he is still to afraid to enter the water. Eventually, he loses sight of the man.

His friends return, and tell him that ten years ago to that day, the man lost his kid at the beach and he was never seen again. Every year, he shows up, drinks himself into a stupor and searches for his son before going home. They ask where he is, and the kid simply says 'He's gone. Let's go for a swim'.

Thoughts? I think it follows the setup and punchline method quite nicely; but even though I had no problem thinking of the idea, it doesn't really have a 'heart' or theme. I was thinking maybe the importance of closure, or possibly how a single event can shape individuals lives for ever.

Anyways, if you took your time to read that, thank you . And thanks even more if you provide some feedback.

 

[Cassius]

I have to agree with your conclusion. It's a good idea, but it doesn't seem finished. It's too much of an anecdote, less story with strong meaning and character development or whatever. I don't know what it's missing, but it's missing something. I just can't really put it into words. But again, it's a start and I do like the concept of the less than sane guy.

 

[Eximious]

It's an interesting coincidence, but where's the conflict or suspense? If you establish that the protagonist hasn't gone swimming in ten years, there's suspense as we ask "why?" Then there's conflict when the protagonist tries to get rid of the old man (so he can enjoy the beach or whatever).

If we know why he hasn't swum in so long, there's internal conflict as he decides whether or not to reveal his knowledge to the father. But, how to depict that inner conflict? If course, if the protagonist works up the courage to tell the truth, then hasn't his character arc been completed? Shouldn't he be able to swim again at that point? Having him reveal his secret knowledge, then be unable to swim after the father, then suddenly want to swim sends conflicting messages concerning his arc. What changes after the old man is out of sight that suddenly gives him the courage to swim again?

Of course, my understanding of your story is based on the assumption that the protagonist is actually telling the truth. What if he's making it up to get rid of the old man? Suddenly you have a sadistic anti-hero and a rough "Twilight Zone" or "Outer Limits" sketch. In such a scenario, though, the theme becomes increasingly important to justify such a sad ending.

Ultimately, I have to agree with Cassius. Right now it's more of a twisted anecdote, with a lot depending on what information is given to the audience at what time.

 

[Minitrini]

So, would it work better as a short story then?

I see the problem with the ending; I was thinking that seeing the father wading into the water and finally disappearing would give him a sort of closure that he first finally told someone of that memory which has been haunting him for so long, and a sense of security with 'reuiniting' the father and son, and giving the father [and ultimately himself] closure.

I still felt sort of uncomfortable with this, so I changed the ending initially to the kid running up to the father and trying to pull him from the water as he enters the shallows, and then having the father hit him on the head with the bottle of whatever he was drinking, knocking him out momentarily. But a few of those who I showed it to preferred the original ending.

I think what it's missing is body, and I'm not sure what to fill in there. I guess that's probably because I haven't really found a theme for the story yet; its just to me an intriguing plot and coincidence, like you said, Eximonious. I have the introduction; him deciding to go to the beach [he doesn't know why today of all days he's breaking his streak, but has a 'gut feeling' that its the right time], and him meeting the father and his friends leaving. Then, there's a gap, and then him and the father making their way to the main beach, him realizing that the father's son has been missing for so long, and making the connections when hearing the description of what really happened. Then, the conclusion at the beach.

I'm just not sure what fills in the gap, though.