Short Screenplay Feedback?

SuperEgo Saxton

SuperEgo Saxton

Active member
This is the third draft of a short about two brothers attempting a run for supplies from a distant church.

I could use some comments/feedback from any readers or experienced writers.

It'd really help me gauge whether I'm heading in the right direction or not.

Much appreciated, Dale
 

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I read a few pages, needs some rewriting regarding a few basics.

I have no idea at the start if the chars are 12 or 20 or 60 years of age.

Each slugline needs DAY or NIGHT, and should be followed by a brief description of the location.

Personally I try not to use "We see..." but that is me; seeing "We see..." takes me out of the illusion of being immersed in the story world. Instead of "We see Joe run away." just write "Joe runs away."

Go on an "is blahblahing" hunt and try to rewrite more active. "Joe is running..." becomes "Joe runs...".

Break your action narrative paragraphs up into shots. Also makes for a more vertical (fast) read. Want to see this in the extreme-- read just a page or two off the screenplay for Apollo 18. :)

A bird flies from the tree and startles DALE. He quickly looks through the eyepiece to check on LUKE. He sees he is okay and lowers his rifle again, managing to take a drink from his canteen.

(becomes...)

A bird flies out of the tree.

Dale startles.

Concerned, he quickly looks through the eyepiece to check on Luke.

He regains his composure, lowers his rifle.

Takes a drink from his canteen.



Easy fixes on a another draft rewrite. Use or lose.
R
 
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Randall_Oelerich said:
I read a few pages, needs some rewriting regarding a few basics. I have no idea at the start if the chars are 12 or 20 or 60 years of age. Each slugline needs DAY or NIGHT, and should be followed by a brief description of the location. Personally I try not to use "We see..." but that is me; seeing "We see..." takes me out of the illusion of being immersed in the story world. Instead of "We see Joe run away." just write "Joe runs away." Go on an "is blahblahing" hunt and try to rewrite more active. "Joe is running..." becomes "Joe runs...". Break your action narrative paragraphs up into shots. Also makes for a more vertical (fast) read. Want to see this in the extreme-- read just a page or two off the screenplay for Apollo 18. :) A bird flies from the tree and startles DALE. He quickly looks through the eyepiece to check on LUKE. He sees he is okay and lowers his rifle again, managing to take a drink from his canteen. (becomes...) A bird flies out of the tree. Dale startles. Concerned, he quickly looks through the eyepiece to check on Luke. He regains his composure, lowers his rifle. Takes a drink from his canteen. Easy fixes on a another draft rewrite. Use or lose. R
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Very useful feedback, thanks very much! :)

Do you need the day/night etc. after every slugline? Even if they directly follow each other in the timeline?

Yeah I should have put the ages, but I didn't want to narrow an actors choice, if you know what I mean.

I think you're bang on with the active writing style. I'll rewrite all the passive sections.

Regarding the seperation of shots. Is it only necessary when writing the action scenes? Or is it wise to use it as often as possible?
 
Randall, I've used your tips and come back with a redraft. It includes a couple of extra lines.

I'm wondering anyone's opinion on the last piece of dialogue. Is it needed?

Anyone else care to read?
 

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Do you need the day/night etc. after every slugline? Even if they directly follow each other in the timeline?
Click to expand...
If you are writing as producer and director and DP of the short yourself you can write it any way you wish.

Yeah I should have put the ages, but I didn't want to narrow an actors choice, if you know what I mean.
Click to expand...
The reader should know if we are talking about 12 year olds or twentysomethings or fiftysomethings; at age 12 I had four rifles including a scoped rifle, was bit into hunting.

I think you're bang on with the active writing style. I'll rewrite all the passive sections.
Click to expand...
See John Rainey's 'Craft Notes' at his site, you will see what I mean.
http://mythmakerjohn.com/
 
SuperEgo Saxton said:
Very useful feedback, thanks very much! :)

Do you need the day/night etc. after every slugline? Even if they directly follow each other in the timeline?

Yeah I should have put the ages, but I didn't want to narrow an actors choice, if you know what I mean.

I think you're bang on with the active writing style. I'll rewrite all the passive sections.

Regarding the seperation of shots. Is it only necessary when writing the action scenes? Or is it wise to use it as often as possible?
Click to expand...

Every time the location changes, there should be a full slug line.

If the location does not change, but one wants to indicate LATER... will put that as the Slug line.

Also current convention is to capitalize the first appearance of a character, and sounds (although I've seen that last one not done everywhere, perhaps just for 'significant' sounds...).

A preference for active verb forms, rather than passive, or 'to be + gerund'. So "Lola Runs, here, there, everywhere", rather than 'Lola is running hither and yon'.

With that in mind...
From the PDF.

EXT. FIELD/CLEARING - DAY

WE SEE DALE’S POV OF A CHURCH IN THE DISTANCE, ACROSS A DRY, YELLOW AND STARVED FIELD.
DALE is undercover of a LARGE CHESTNUT TREE, peering around the side. He is accompanied by LUKE, whom is looking over his shoulder.

Becomes:

[scrippet]
EXT. FIELD - DAY

DALE, late teens, lanky, peeks around a large Chestnut tree trunk, towards a church across a dry wheat field. LUKE, teens, a bit pudgy, peers over Dale's shoulder.

[/scrippet]
 
cheers for the input j1clark.

Is the newer draft any improvement?

Also I will sort the capitalisation.

New characters are only captialised the first time they are introduce and not thereafter. I understood significant objects are capitalised too? Is that wrong?
 
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