Short Mystery/Comedy Piece...

RyanT

RyanT

Veteran
Hey guys, I had this idea a while back. Wrote a script, and I wasn't too much of a fan. I decided to completley rework the entire thing, changing the story, cutting characters, switching out scenes, simplify it all, that sorta thing. I just finished up my first draft and would love to get some feedback. Thanks guys.

Logline: An over controlling mathlete must help recover her teammates brain power stolen days before the big city-wide meet.

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Hey RyanT,
Here are some notes on Tale of a Mathlete. I liked it a lot, it was a fun read.

- Jonathan walks to the back of the room and then hands the remote to Grace, who is seated with the brain-dead mathletes at the front of the room. A little mix up there.
- When Jonathan snickers after presenting Laura as a suspect, does he think want he just said was funny or the idea that Grace’s suspect is unlikely? A little unclear.
- At the mathletes meeting I could hear a nerd in the audience, shout out something that Clifford had done to him. Wedgie or worse. Maybe Grace could instigate this out pouring of horrible things Clifford had done to all of them. And you could end it with one of them shouting something really embarrassing that causes the whole room to go quite. Like you see in South Park when everything goes quite after someone says something really wacked out. A WTF moment.
- After Grace finishes her presentation, I’d like to see her more forceful; pushing their suspicions onto Clifford. Demanding action against him.
- You should make sure the readers know that Jon and Grace are watching Laura first.
- While Jonathan and Grace are watching Laura you could have Grace accuse Jon of only suspecting Laura because he has a crush on her and wanted to find out more about her. This would show her jealousy and interest in Jon even further. It would be funny if he actually did.
- I would like to see the whole group help out on this hunt for evidence. And then see Grace exposed for what see really is in front of her peers. It makes for bigger repercussions for Grace’s underhanded actions. She betrays the whole group and we see it happen, and their reactions.
- They found Clifford’s jacket pretty easily. I’d like to see a coordinated effort of all the mathletes at the same time trying to get Clifford’s jacket.
- Wouldn’t it be neat if Grace had another reason to put the blame on Clifford? Like she was trying to cover up some dealings with Clifford, maybe she asked Clifford to do the dirty deed but he said no and she decided to do it herself and blame it on him anyway. Clifford seems to know what’s going on even though you give us no reason to think so.
- Someone from the group could bring Jon some photos taken from the espionage effort of Laura and he is reminded that all is not lost after all, and he can pursue Laura now that Grace won’t be occupying his time.
- I do hate the fact that Grace gets beat down by Clifford. It seems a bit extreme. But she should get what’s coming to her.

I hope these ideas were inspiring or helpful in some way.
JC Cocker
 
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