Short Film- The Hanging (Horror)Need feedback!

H

Hjaafar32

Member
Jack is stranded in the middle of rural Ohio. With no spare tire or cell phone reception, Jack makes his way by foot to the nearest town. After a long journey he comes across a Farmhouse where he hopes he can find some help.

Attached is the 15 page screenplay. It is a horror that will take place on a farm in Michigan. I have attached a photo of the home as well to give you a visual!

I feel like the story is good but can be better! I really could use some constructive criticism, ideas, tips/pointers, etc. Please poke!!
 

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if you want to get feedback, i'd suggest putting it in pdf format. as it is... it's too hard to read.
 
SPOILER: lol

I liked it. It kept my interest and I would definitely watch it. I feel that some of the dialog is a bit too stereotypical "city guy", "country bumkin" but in the short span of this kind of story, it still works.

The tension in the firepit scene is good because even though Jack may now sense that Fred is a nutjob, and that this place is really creepy, its too late... its dark and he has nowhere to go.

I like the twist that the stranger, Jack is the innocent one, and the Fred insists that he stay because, as I read it, he needs someone to put him out of his misery.

JMO... and please consider my opinion as a movie goer and NOT an expert...
 
not bad, Hamoody.


a few notes:
1) there are a lot of instances where you are telling about things and not showing them. i read your first draft, and you have corrected a lot of it, but there are still some there. for example:

"Jack is a nice guy but has a bit of a temper." show us. or, don't bring it up, because his agitation will be apparent once he starts talking to Fred.

"Jack wakes from a nightmare." show us how.

2) as for the story, it was alright. though, i'd probably have the time late at night, or on a sunday (everything's closed in the nearby small town). this will give Jack more reason to accept Fred's offer. as it is now, i don't see why Jack would agree to stay.

also, i think that Jack should say 'dad' (or 'pa') instead of 'Fred' as he's strangling him. Isn't Jack possessed by the son?

good luck.
 
Thanks Fahad, once again, all great points. Love your input!! My whole thing is that by Jack walking a good 6-7 miles already, having to turn around and walk another 20 (when its already getting close to the evening) and it getting dark, leaves him with the only option of staying with Fred so that he can take him in the morning. (also tried to scare him a bit with the thought of coyotes at night). Going to work on it some more... I had it on Sunday before and i removed that. i think im going to go with the 'holiday weekend' approach which will give reasoning for his travels as well as for the businesses being closed.
 
I read your script and enjoyed it.

I agree with some of the feedback that has been given already about showing and not telling, but aside from that I dig the story.

While reading, I had the same thought Fahad mentioned about Jack calling Fred "pa" or "dad" would be a nice addition to the scene.

Another possible reason for him deciding to stay could be a storm coming through... that would also add nicely to the creepy atmosphere
 
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