Short Film Script for Review 5 pages

If you're shooting and directing it yourself then making the script "industry standard" has less importance. Obviously the actors need to be able to read it, but a lot of directors will use the script as only a starting point and really deviate from it during rehearsals and on-set. If that's the case you may be wasting your time making other's happy with your formatting. I personally write very sparsely in my scripts, but I also direct them and in some ways a script is more of a checklist and notes to myself, not something I hand off to someone else and walk away from.

But if you write scripts and wants others to be able to read them, you do need to follow the basics of convention. Just don't get caught up trying to please others.
 
You are write Chris. Its more of a script/treatment of the film. Do you like the idea of the film? The dialogue? and more important the ending?

Thanks for your time
 
I think it's a good start. What I'd do if I were you is find some decent actors and work through the scenes with them. Let them run with the idea and don't constrain them to the script. Record it, take notes, etc.

They'll help you come up with dialog that works with the actions. What you see in your head will never be what you end up shooting, and the dialog doesn't have to be either. Some of your dialog is pretty expositional and it all has the same sound to it, as if it's a single person saying everything. Actors can really help you improve it.
 
Thanks Chris. That is actually what i was planning to do. I really understand that there is the film you write, the film you shoot and the film you edit. And they are all different. I was hoping ot have my actors say the lines and see what works and what doesn.t and hop to get that during the auditions as welll.....


I am glad you think it is a good start. Do you think the ending is cheesy? how they all reveal what made them tick? and the ring tone? Nobody has commented on that so i am thinking it works
 
It felt pretty predictable and cliche. You can share the same information in a variety of different ways. Saying something out loud is almost always the weakest choice.
 
What is the meaning of this script, anyway?. Why so many people choose to concentrate on negative side of life?
 
Its got happy ending. Tension is also the basis for most stories we know.....Romeo and Juliette, Ulyssys, the Bible (Good vs Evil). As they say if you want an audience start a right. Even if it is not violent every movie and story has some sort of tension. The hero must overcome something to make it interesting. A story where two people are in love and nothing tragic happens is boring.

I also choose to write about suicide cause it hits close to home and was a story that just came out of me that night.

Thanks for the question though.

Not quite sure what you mean by the meaning but I guess the story is about people who find sanctity in knowing that they share something with another person, a stranger more so. Sometimes you get sad and when you find someone going through the same thing it helps you get through it. AA is a good example.
 
Just got around to reading it thoroughly. I haven't read the other comments yet so some of this may be duplicate. WARNING: Constructive criticism follows:

If the first scene doesn't grab the reader, you're gone. The clutter could be cleared up without significantly changing the content.

INT. JAKES ROOM

Jake (16) sprawls on his bed. He tries to ignore the sounds
of sex in the next room. He stares intently at his cell
phone.

TEXT MESSAGE: Does anyone want to die with me?

The sex gets louder. He gets up and shouts from behind his
bedroom door.

Even though his behaviour is consistent with a teenager, now we explicitly know he is up front. The sentences are shorter with greater clarity. Just the relevant information is included. It now flows and is no longer intimidating to the reader. Normally you wouldn't refer to 'shouting' in the description but here it helps to set the scene in a minimum of words.

----

JAKE ( YELLING)
Mom! I'm trying to study.

to:

JAKE
(yelling)
Mom! I'm trying to study.

or:

JAKE
Mom! I'm trying to study!

Obviously this should be formatted centre.

----

MOM
How am I supposed to make any money
with you trying to interrupt every
guy f-cking me and paying our
bills?

Try saying this out loud without going blue in the face. You need to shorten this and use punctuation to make it sound like something someone would actually say.

MOM
I f-ck for money. Deal with it. It
puts a roof over your head, food
in your guts. What the hell do you
think pays for that f-cking phone?

----

MOM is SARAH? Pick one name to denote an actor's dialogue and stick to it. You can use different names in the dialogue itself. Her name is never mentioned and her role in the film is as a prostitute mother. Call her MOM unless you are going to flesh her out and give her further characterisation.

----

I have two problems with Vince. First is his motivation. I assume the heart necklace represents a breakup. If not it is a confusing symbol. Heartbreak results in a sense of loss and makes you sad and helpless. The desire is to slip away having no purpose left. Neglect by a father makes you feel powerless leading to anger. The desire is to reclaim power in a grand gesture that makes a statement. These dual motivations are incompatible and hence distracting. Pick one to prevent confusion around his motives and let the actor be convincing, rather trying to reconcile two conflicting motivations.

Secondly Vince is described in a manner that suggests he's wealthy. I don't buy train as a suicide method of a rich kid. Especially with a grievance against his father. His plan would be well thought out (the result of fantasy that he's been building to his whole life) and make a personal statement, such as doing it in his father's study with his father's gun. Alternatively he would do it while driving his beloved BMW, a symbol of his status into the train or a bridge pylon at top speed. Better to change the suicide method or yet better change Vince's background. Make him a car nut with a half-restored classic car. Such a background would also more naturally justify his violent reaction to Jake later on.

----

MARISSA
You can do this Marissa. You can do
it. You can do it.

Marissa puts down her hello kitty back pack as she lays on
the tracks. She stays quiet but is startled when she hears
footsteps approaching from behind.

Some issues here. First, why is she talking herself into it when she has arranged a suicide pact? Without the dialogue I can buy her self-consciously trying out the rails for size (to do it right when the time comes), a practice run while waiting for Jake. But if she's sought out a buddy to suicide with I don't see her jumping to it prematurely. Secondly why is she startled by Vince? She is expecting someone and doesn't know that he isn't Jake.

----

( ANNOYED)/(THREATENING)/(INTERRUPTING)/(CURIOUS)

Don't think any of these are necessary. The first three are implied, could keep 'curious' (it helps set the change of tone) but isn't really necessary either. The tone quickly moves on to mistrust then violence so it isn't really important. Best write the dialogue and let the shifts in tone be discovered in the table read.

----

JAKE (INTERRUPTING)
Wait.

Where did Jake come from? A single line of direction is all that is required to fix:

Jake arrives.

Or more detailed:

Marissa looks up. Vince follows her gaze. He turns to discover Jake.

You can make it more interesting but when tensions are high shorter sentences and less spurious detail conveys that urgency to the reader.

----

Vince throws Jake on the tracks. They scramble. Marisa
tries to pull Vince away from Jake. Realizing she can't do
anything she stands up and is all of a sudden taken back.
Her eyes open wider. The sound of the train horn can be
heard in the distance.

This is quite sloppy. During complex action it is imperative to be clear and precise. The 'Realizing...back' sentence is clunky. You haven't established how wide her eyes are so it reads strangely to use the comparative term 'wider'. You mention the horn after she reacts to it and your long sentence describing it carries no sense of urgency. This is a climactic moment, the script must have punch here.

Vince throws Jake on the tracks. They scramble. Marissa <-- keep: good, efficient
tries to pull Vince away. She gives up, stands back.
A train horn sounds. Her eyes widen.

----

The final two main descriptive passages need a lot of tightening up and focus as well in the same manner.

----

Final Thoughts:

Formatting, grammar and spelling aside this is an okay first draft. There is definitely a film in this. It has some nice visuals and I can see the flow you are imagining. But it's not there on the page yet. I can see that you can picture your key moments but it isn't quite cohesive yet. On first reading I was pretty down on it. It was only when I read deeply and analysed it that I saw some potential. If I wasn't reviewing it for you I wouldn't have got that far.

You need to do more work on the characters, let their motivations rather than the needs of the story drive their actions. Work on them until it is one and the same thing. The dialogue has been written in your head, you need to make a practice of saying it aloud. A sentence spoken is often half as long as a sentence written. Leave room for your actors to insert themselves. You don't need to tell them how they are going to say every line. If the dialogue and conversation to and fro is natural, they will work it out. Or even come up with something better.

Your descriptions need to be more succint, focussed and action orientated. Tell us what they are doing, not what they are thinking. The reader will put the rest in. This is important. Scripts are not novels. They are blueprints. If your story is well thought out you shouldn't have to explain it within the script. Your audience is not the viewer, it is actors and filmmakers. They don't need extensive description, they need instructions. It's a tough balance but worth investing a lot of effort to get right. In the same vein - formatting matters.

Finally, even if you aren't persuaded on the importance of formatting - spelling and grammar are crucial. Would you place faith in a carpenter that holds his hammer upside down? Your language is your tool. Get it right. Proof read everything. Writing is a craft, your final draft should be the product of several rewrites. Not just a spell check. Rewrites. The first draft is like a brainstorm. A complete rewrite will do wonders. You know the script by then, you are no longer finding it. Then you can refine the characters, structure, pacing and other characteristics. The final draft is the one you show to other people. Then the script revisions begin. :)
 
Egg Born Son said:
Just got around to reading it thoroughly. I haven't read the other comments yet so some of this may be duplicate. WARNING: Constructive criticism follows:

If the first scene doesn't grab the reader, you're gone. The clutter could be cleared up without significantly changing the content.

INT. JAKES ROOM


Jake (16) sprawls on his bed. He tries to ignore the sounds
of sex in the next room. He stares intently at his cell
phone.

TEXT MESSAGE: Does anyone want to die with me?

The sex gets louder. He gets up and shouts from behind his
bedroom door.
Click to expand...

Just as a metastatement... this site does support the SCRIPPET tag.

Using curly braces instead of square brackets...

{scrippet}
INT. JAKE'S ROOM

Descriptive stuff.

JAKE
Mom!

More descriptive stuff.
{/scrippet}

will yield

[scrippet]
INT. JAKE'S ROOM
Descriptive stuff.

JAKE
Mom!

More descriptive stuff.
[/scrippet]

I really find wyrd script formatting hard to read...
 
Thank you so much for your feedback it really hit home. I am going to do several rewrites and re post it when I think it is final in case you would like to read it again.

Again, thank you for your time and feedback with this it is very much apprecaited.
 
j1clark@ucsd.edu said:
Just as a metastatement... this site does support the SCRIPPET tag.

Using curly braces instead of square brackets...

{scrippet}
INT. JAKE'S ROOM

Descriptive stuff.

JAKE
Mom!

More descriptive stuff.
{/scrippet}

will yield

[scrippet]
INT. JAKE'S ROOM
Descriptive stuff.
JAKE
Mom!
More descriptive stuff.
[/scrippet]

I really find wyrd script formatting hard to read...
Click to expand...

Thanks heaps for that. That's new to me and it's been annoying me that I haven't been able to preserve formatting. I thought you were uploading images in your posts, didn't realise it was as simple as an inline tag.
 
Egg Born Son said:
Thanks heaps for that. That's new to me and it's been annoying me that I haven't been able to preserve formatting. I thought you were uploading images in your posts, didn't realise it was as simple as an inline tag.
Click to expand...

The Scrippet processor has its limitations, but does far better than any other means to put small chunks of code... I mean scripts... on fora like this.

John August not only is a scriptwriter, but also has a penchant for programming, and has some number of minions to help out...

Here's the site that has more of his tools:

http://quoteunquoteapps.com/

He and others have developed a 'markup' processor that allows for any simple text editor to be used and with the processor tools, generate 'script' pages.

Some people like the 'wysiwyg' editors, but sometimes it is in fact 'easier' to just type in stream, and have a tool format the page at a later time.

I've used an editor called 'vi' which has a bit of cursor control for addressing the page, but other wise all commands are issue via keystroles, so I'm not moving my hand from the keyboard home position to the mouse, look around for pulldown menu, then back the keyboard home position... all the time...

With the Highland 'processor' I can use 'vi' on a variety of machines, and then when I need 'format' the pages for the official 'script look'.

(In fact I do the same for the tags for this forum rather than leaving the keyboard and going to icon menu bar... unless I don't know or recall the tag...).

But that's a philosophical discussion...
 
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