Short 7 Page Kids Comedy

ok,

i think it's a nice script all around, but i have these comments:

i think some sentences need to be shorter/more concise. for example:

Code: 
TWO BOYS play tether ball until their attention changes [B]to
an unforseen element.[/B]

i think you can get rid of "to an unforseen element" and still convey the meaning.

Code: 
A BOY runs away and stops as his gaze fixes on something
causing him to be hit in the head with a DODGEBALL.

this sentence is too long. it is uncomfortable to read. you could split it up in to more sentences, like:
"A BOY runs away then stops. He looks at something. A DODGEBALL hits him on the head."

or

"A BOY runs away then stops, looking at something. A DODGEBALL hits him on the head"


Code: 
She walks away. Rejected Clinton watches her as she leaves
only to be met by her turning back around to look at him.

this could be rewritten as "She walks away. Clinton watches her. She turns back to look at him."

i don't know if this is the standard, or style, or whatever, but they tell us in business writing class that shorter sentences are easier to read/understand. personally, i think if a sentence is longer than the width of the paragraph, then it's too long (unless there's no other way to write it).

they also teach us that using less complex words is also better. for example,

Code: 
All the children of the playground congregate around a
circle drawn in the dirt. Clinton and his entourage approach
Steiner and his lackies.

could be written as "The playground children gather around a circle in the dirt. Clinton and his friends approach Steiner and his CRONIES."

I used "cronies" because you used it more than lackies. it's important to be consistent so you don't confuse the reader.


one last comment, about the water balloon scene:

Code: 
A moment passes and Clinton lifts his hand signaling for the
Victims to throw the balloons at Steiner.
He sees Molly as she giggles. Clinton grabs Steiner MARBLES
and throws them over the playground fence scattering them
into oblivion.
Steiner falls to his knees crying like a baby.

i don't see Steiner being bombarded with water balloons. i'd rewrite this as,
"After a moment, Clinton signals the victims with his hand. He looks to Molly. Molly giggles. Water balloons hit Steiner. Clinton grabs Steiner's MARBLES and throws them over the fence. Steiner falls to the ground crying."

don't use descriptive words like "oblivion". i've never seen an "oblivion", and neither have you (i hope). these words, while useful in literature (novels), are not very useful in scripts. you have to put yourself in the readers' shoes. in the case of a movie script, then your readers are: producer, director, and actors. what the script is for is to "show" these people what's going on. so, if you can SHOW oblivion, then show it. if you can't, then use something else to describe YOUR meaning.

remember: you're describing pictures and sounds. if i can't picture something, or imagine hearing something, then i can't produce, direct, compose, act, etc.

in conclusion:
1) use shorter sentences. CONCISE.
2) use simpler words.
3) don't use words that can't be seen or heard.


i hope this helps, good luck!
 
but also, there's an important drama element that you need to maintain. though, i don't know what to comment on that.
 
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