Shooting this script soon...read it...maybe?

D

D.Mur

Active member
I am but a humble writer/director who knows there is strength in numbers, and a lot of talent in this forum. This is a film I will be shooting in Late October of this year. A little background on me, my last short film in the midst of having a successful festival run. We just screened at the San Diego Comic-Con Int'l Film Festival last month.

241845_528521841994_1243353393_o.jpg

But what's important is the project I'll be shooting now!

Could really use feedback on what works and what doesn't work. This is a great chance to give feedback to a script that will definitely be shot! A couple of disclaimers - I'm a graduate student filmmaker and this is my thesis film (please if you can leave out your thoughts on film school - that tends to cloud the discussion). Also, any advice given may be taken and incorporated in the script, and by adding it here in this forum you are giving me 100% permission to use it in this script without any request for monetary compensation now or in the future. In short, any pointers given on this script in this forum are free for me to use without any consideration for financial compensation, in perpetuity. Word.

Now that we've gotten that silly detail out the way, HELP!!! Please?

This is my fourth draft of the script, would love to hear your opinions. How could this be made stronger? What are your thoughts? What worked? What didn't? Did you feel resolved at the end? Was it worth your time?

View attachment The Magician's Pen 4.1.pdf
 
It is a worthy short, a take on the magical drawing pen (There was a short on network TV a few years back where a comic book artist did something like this, drew a hot character that came to life, it all backfired on the artist, etc). I think it will be fun to film. One thing-- at the end, I half expected Gina to not be Gina but instead be Martha, the 13 year old who rejected the hero, now six years older, looking different, and who now connects with the hero; would provide a nice bookend, and closure to a goal of the hero wanting Martha. Perhaps some overuse of the "tick-tock ..." in the script, I found it a bit distracting. A couple of 'we see...' usages that are unnecessary and again distracting, but that is a minor thing as you will be filming it.

imho, well done. The script kept me reading, kept me turning pages, and that is doing better than what 95% of scripts do.
:)
 
Last edited:
Egg Born Son said:
Should be able to take a look in the next day or two. Get back to you when I've read it.
Click to expand...

Thanks!

Randall_Oelerich said:
It is a worthy short, a take on the magical drawing pen (There was a short on network TV a few years back where a comic book artist did something like this, drew a hot character that came to life, it all backfired on the artist, etc). I think it will be fun to film. One thing-- at the end, I half expected Gina to not be Gina but instead be Martha, the 13 year old who rejected the hero, now six years older, looking different, and who now connects with the hero; would provide a nice bookend, and closure to a goal of the hero wanting Martha. Perhaps some overuse of the "tick-tock ..." in the script, I found it a bit distracting. A couple of 'we see...' usages that are unnecessary and again distracting, but that is a minor thing as you will be filming it.

imho, well done. The script kept me reading, kept me turning pages, and that is doing better than what 95% of scripts do.
:)
Click to expand...

Thanks! Appreciate the feedback. Yea, it's interesting to hear there's another story with that similar of an angle, I'll have to look for that. The note about Gina is something I've been thinking about a lot. My producer also suggested that it should be Martha in the end, and I think it's a good suggestion. I'm just having problems with the serendipity of that. The writer in me tells me that the story is about him overcoming his fears, and that we don't necessarily need to reach back deep in to his past to do it. BUT, the audience member in me feels like you, wanting him to have one more chance with Martha, and the symmetry a moment like that provides could work. I'm not sure if I have the skill to pull that scene off without it seeming contrived, going to think on it though. Glad it kept you reading, that's always an important point for me. Thanks again for reading.
 
D.Mur said:
... Yea, it's interesting to hear there's another story with that similar of an angle, I'll have to look for that.
Click to expand...

It is a story/plot device used many times, no harm retelling it with a new twist as you are doing. Goes back all the way I believe to the ancient Greek story of Pygmalion about a sculptor who brought his work to life. The short story I saw about a graphic artist bringing a drawing to life was part of some hour long TV miniseries (3 shorts in the hour long episode) that was short lived, the episode had a remote cabin, I think the artist was a female, brought a male drawing to life, but it could have been the reverse; I can not recall the title of the TV series only that it was on network TV because I have not had cable TV for over a decade.

D.Mur said:
The note about Gina is something I've been thinking about a lot. My producer also suggested that it should be Martha in the end, and I think it's a good suggestion. I'm just having problems with the serendipity of that. The writer in me tells me that the story is about him overcoming his fears, and that we don't necessarily need to reach back deep in to his past to do it. BUT, the audience member in me feels like you, wanting him to have one more chance with Martha, and the symmetry a moment like that provides could work. I'm not sure if I have the skill to pull that scene off without it seeming contrived, going to think on it though. Glad it kept you reading, that's always an important point for me. Thanks again for reading.
Click to expand...

Consider the recent hit film The Sorcerer's Apprentice-- same method of bookends, awkward tweens meet, part, then later when they are older meet again and fall in love. It works. 13 Going on 30, same thing. Use it, it works, audiences love it. But it is your story so do what you feel is best. If you use it, you could have Martha at 19 go by the name Marti, so your hero does not figure out right away that she is Martha all grown up and more attractive; come up with some identifying action or quirk Martha does at 13 that she does at 19 so your hero suddenly figures out who 19 year old Marti is. I see his goal as wanting Martha, he does not get her at 13, but he can resolve and obtain that goal at the end of the story when he realizes he no longer needs magic outside of himself.
 
Last edited:
Sorry, just got round to reading it.

To start, get rid of the tick-tocks. Every one. They are annoying and add nothing.

It reads a little too much like an internal monologue. This should be an instruction set for the actors, not prose. It must flow easily for the reader (the actor) but does not need to have a 'voice', only actions and dialogue will be visible to the viewer. You could reduce this by at least 2 pages just by writing more efficiently. So you need to show more actions, describe less thoughts. You also need to think out some of these scenes a little better.

The whole school sequence could be cut. It serves no purpose other than to establish his asthma and ineptness with women. Start in the library, have him splutter and go for the inhaler there. The fact he is a comic writer and is made nervous by the girl in the elevator does a far more succint job of establishing these things. And you can reduce your cast by at least three, locations by two and saves me explaining a number of issues with the school scenes. It is your weakest section, rambles and has some logical flaws.

The whole library scene until he drives off in the carpark works very well. Unlike much of the script it reads like a script. Succint, action orientated and the dialogue is good. This is your best section of writing. Only issues are in the last couple of lines. Don't use embarrassed, we know he's embarrassed because he looks away and drops his phone. Maybe he could quickly look away for emphasis. Phillip's car doesn't drive off. Phillip drives off.

Uncle Mort's House. Apostrophe police: lets himself in. Phillip goes up a staircase, this is a chance to build some apprehension. -> Phillip pauses at the base of the stairs before ascending. Implies he hasn't often been up there which turns it into crossing a threshold. Then rather than Phillip walks into an office space -> 'Phillip explores Mort's office.' This isn't an office. It's in Mort's house, ergo it's his office. When he grabs the coat, if you make a point of it being a bad fit it will heighten the sense he doesn't belong in there.

Smoking on screen isn't so much the done thing anymore but more importantly, it is a key plot point that he is ASTHMATIC. He is already playing make believe, have him pretend to smoke it unlit. We won't call her Delilah, she is DELILAH or she is GORGEOUS YOUNG WOMAN. Pick one. Rather than INT. OFFICE - LATER just insert the word 'LATER:' into the one scene. Similar for INT. HALLWAY - LATER -> INT. HALLWAY - DAY. We know it's later, it happened after earlier.

INT. BACKYARD - LATER...you know. The doorway in the backyard is a bit naff. Simply have them appear at the new scene as soon as he puts the pen down. A clever cut or a close up followed by a pull back reveal will be far more powerful. But don't include camera directions in the script. Even if you do use a door, why would there be a blinding light? They are going from a DAY scene to a DAY scene. Same with the move to the beach. Argh more tick-tock...begone!

Slightly defeated, Phillip jumps back into photographer mode, what does that look like? -> He slumps his shoulders before lifting the camera. Whatever makes Delilah happy..., superfluous line, we can't read his mind. Snap! Snap! Snap! ...or... He takes more photos.

If it's Jenga call it Jenga. Don't waste three lines describing it. Rather than have her turn her attention to the bag have her watch him leave. Phillip opens a suitcase on the bed and packs some of Mort's clothes. Delilah checks the door (or stairs if in view of living room). She scurries over to the bag and opens it. Phillip closes the suitcase and sets it next to the door. He shakes his head, that won't work. -> He shakes his head. Delilah searches through the bag. She finds the magic pen, smiles and holds it up with a flourish. Get rid of the line That won't work either., that's more internal monologue and has already been implied in the dialogue.

Try:

INT. MORT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Phillip looks at himself one more time, steels himself and leaves the room.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Phillip comes down the stairs to find Delilah gone. On the table he spots the magic pen, the picture of Mongol beneath it.

He searches the house, hall, kitchen, bathroom.

EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT

Phillip finds them in the same spot...(continue with your description)

GASP. GASP. GASP. - No. "pee his pants look" - No.

Try:

He falls to his knees, fumbling for his inhaler. He collapses, inhaling. Mongol stands over him as he lies prostrate. Phillip looks up at him weakly. Mongol considers him before extending a hand to help him up. Phillip reluctantly takes it.

The rest of it could use some tightening up but generally okay. Just a couple of points. First of all Tick-tock... Second, instead of YOUNG LADY, call her GINA from the get go. This is for the actor not the audience. The actor isn't playing YOUNG LADY, she's playing GINA even if the audience only find out her name at the end. And Phillip doesn't need a second name, it's never used. And last point, make the Doughnut shop a day setting rather than early morning if both have had time to do some work already. And maybe a coffee shop since they are grown ups.

The suggested alterations are offered as examples, reading back they're not perfect but hopefully illuminate the principles you need to apply to get to the next level with your writing. Scriptwriting is not prose. Remember that the actors are your audience, not the audience. Keep that in mind and you should be able to improve this and future scripts. I reckon you could easily get this script down to 10-12 pages without cutting any scenes. Lean and mean, good flow visually on the page (short descriptive paragraphs) and leave enough room for actor interpretation of the roles, otherwise it's a puppet show. Hopefully this has been helpful. Happy writing.
 
Last edited:
There's also "Cool World"(1992)

Here's a shot:

Cool_World_characters_Jack_and_Holly.jpg
 
Randall_Oelerich said:
Here it is, from ten years ago actually, how time zips by!
http://www.best-horror-movies.com/m...but-shes-really-artist-and-he-is-drawing.html

It is also on youtube:
Click to expand...

Thanks for sending this, took a look at it. Interesting to see how they went about the conceit. They get a little leeway because of it being the Twighlight Zone.....

Randall_Oelerich said:
It is a story/plot device used many times, no harm retelling it with a new twist as you are doing. Goes back all the way I believe to the ancient Greek story of Pygmalion about a sculptor who brought his work to life.
Click to expand...

Yea I generally reference Pygmalion myth when I talk about this project to people!
 
Egg Born Son said:
Sorry, just got round to reading it.

To start, get rid of the tick-tocks. Every one. They are annoying and add nothing.

It reads a little too much like an internal monologue. This should be an instruction set for the actors, not prose. It must flow easily for the reader (the actor) but does not need to have a 'voice', only actions and dialogue will be visible to the viewer. You could reduce this by at least 2 pages just by writing more efficiently. So you need to show more actions, describe less thoughts. You also need to think out some of these scenes a little better.

The whole school sequence could be cut. It serves no purpose other than to establish his asthma and ineptness with women. Start in the library, have him splutter and go for the inhaler there. The fact he is a comic writer and is made nervous by the girl in the elevator does a far more succint job of establishing these things. And you can reduce your cast by at least three, locations by two and saves me explaining a number of issues with the school scenes. It is your weakest section, rambles and has some logical flaws.

The whole library scene until he drives off in the carpark works very well. Unlike much of the script it reads like a script. Succint, action orientated and the dialogue is good. This is your best section of writing. Only issues are in the last couple of lines. Don't use embarrassed, we know he's embarrassed because he looks away and drops his phone. Maybe he could quickly look away for emphasis. Phillip's car doesn't drive off. Phillip drives off.

Uncle Mort's House. Apostrophe police: lets himself in. Phillip goes up a staircase, this is a chance to build some apprehension. -> Phillip pauses at the base of the stairs before ascending. Implies he hasn't often been up there which turns it into crossing a threshold. Then rather than Phillip walks into an office space -> 'Phillip explores Mort's office.' This isn't an office. It's in Mort's house, ergo it's his office. When he grabs the coat, if you make a point of it being a bad fit it will heighten the sense he doesn't belong in there.

Smoking on screen isn't so much the done thing anymore but more importantly, it is a key plot point that he is ASTHMATIC. He is already playing make believe, have him pretend to smoke it unlit. We won't call her Delilah, she is DELILAH or she is GORGEOUS YOUNG WOMAN. Pick one. Rather than INT. OFFICE - LATER just insert the word 'LATER:' into the one scene. Similar for INT. HALLWAY - LATER -> INT. HALLWAY - DAY. We know it's later, it happened after earlier.

INT. BACKYARD - LATER...you know. The doorway in the backyard is a bit naff. Simply have them appear at the new scene as soon as he puts the pen down. A clever cut or a close up followed by a pull back reveal will be far more powerful. But don't include camera directions in the script. Even if you do use a door, why would there be a blinding light? They are going from a DAY scene to a DAY scene. Same with the move to the beach. Argh more tick-tock...begone!

Slightly defeated, Phillip jumps back into photographer mode, what does that look like? -> He slumps his shoulders before lifting the camera. Whatever makes Delilah happy..., superfluous line, we can't read his mind. Snap! Snap! Snap! ...or... He takes more photos.

If it's Jenga call it Jenga. Don't waste three lines describing it. Rather than have her turn her attention to the bag have her watch him leave. Phillip opens a suitcase on the bed and packs some of Mort's clothes. Delilah checks the door (or stairs if in view of living room). She scurries over to the bag and opens it. Phillip closes the suitcase and sets it next to the door. He shakes his head, that won't work. -> He shakes his head. Delilah searches through the bag. She finds the magic pen, smiles and holds it up with a flourish. Get rid of the line That won't work either., that's more internal monologue and has already been implied in the dialogue.

Try:

INT. MORT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Phillip looks at himself one more time, steels himself and leaves the room.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Phillip comes down the stairs to find Delilah gone. On the table he spots the magic pen, the picture of Mongol beneath it.

He searches the house, hall, kitchen, bathroom.

EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT

Phillip finds them in the same spot...(continue with your description)

GASP. GASP. GASP. - No. "pee his pants look" - No.

Try:

He falls to his knees, fumbling for his inhaler. He collapses, inhaling. Mongol stands over him as he lies prostrate. Phillip looks up at him weakly. Mongol considers him before extending a hand to help him up. Phillip reluctantly takes it.

The rest of it could use some tightening up but generally okay. Just a couple of points. First of all Tick-tock... Second, instead of YOUNG LADY, call her GINA from the get go. This is for the actor not the audience. The actor isn't playing YOUNG LADY, she's playing GINA even if the audience only find out her name at the end. And Phillip doesn't need a second name, it's never used. And last point, make the Doughnut shop a day setting rather than early morning if both have had time to do some work already. And maybe a coffee shop since they are grown ups.

The suggested alterations are offered as examples, reading back they're not perfect but hopefully illuminate the principles you need to apply to get to the next level with your writing. Scriptwriting is not prose. Remember that the actors are your audience, not the audience. Keep that in mind and you should be able to improve this and future scripts. I reckon you could easily get this script down to 10-12 pages without cutting any scenes. Lean and mean, good flow visually on the page (short descriptive paragraphs) and leave enough room for actor interpretation of the roles, otherwise it's a puppet show. Hopefully this has been helpful. Happy writing.
Click to expand...

I lost a LONG response I typed to this. I'll summarize :/

Thanks for the notes, I found the story notes most helpful. The cigar and tuxedo notes I'm definitely incorporating. Great points.

The prologue - Half the people who read it love it and think it eases them into the story. The other half think it should be cut and we should go straight to the library. I think it does lag, I've cut it in half. But I think it's important to show his problem isn't in his external circumstance - trouble with girls/loneliness. Instead his problem is his own internal fears and anlytical nature that imprisons him in his external circumstance. It's possible to show this at his older age. I think it adds to the tone of the film and helps us identify with his character by introducing us to a younger Phillip. Still working on this though.

Grammar notes - thanks.

Stylization notes - I agree it's overdone. And some of it I've changed/cut out - I'm looking at you "tick-tock". But, the style of the writing is meant to help bring about a tone for the piece and help envelop the reader in the world. I'm a visual filmmaker and I try to write that way to reflect the style of film. I do agree it can be improved though and I appreciate your notes. I doubt I'll drop it completely b/c it's worked for me. I've optioned a script and gotten funding for two projects with similar styles.

Thanks again for the notes though, very helpful.

j1clark@ucsd.edu said:
There's also "Cool World"(1992)

Here's a shot:

Cool_World_characters_Jack_and_Holly.jpg
Click to expand...

Awesome!!!!
 
Last edited:
Glad you found it useful. I had some people do this for me recently and it changed everything for me. I pointed things out to highlight them for your consideration. It is up to you to decide what to keep/cut, whether to alter your style or keep it. If you are filming it yourself then convention be damned, as long as the people it is written for - cast and crew - can follow it easily. After all, actors will all highlight their lines and ignore the rest in the end.

Just a couple of things to consider before deciding whether the prologue gets the chop or not. At the beginning of a film the audience is hypersensitive to any clue you might give them as they find their way into the story and characters. In the first couple of scenes ANY clue you give them will be grasped onto and extrapolated by the audience. If you show them a set of keys with a Mercedes key ring on a kitchen table they will instantly begin making assumptions and guessing who it belongs to before the character even arrive on screen. They can't help it, it is how the brain is wired. No one is going expect that a social klutz used to be a confident ladies man. Even if it turns out he was and is now in crisis, it becomes a nice little subversion down the track. Second, even if I'm wrong about that it doesn't hurt to have a bit of mystery at the start, your actor will deliver the character. Meeting a character should be like opening a present, reveal a bit at a time.

Ultimately the biggest reason not to include it is that it will save a lot of production effort. It could work quite well but for the effort to bring it to screen what does it deliver? You will need to find actors (that physically match the older versions), location, schedule an extra day to shoot it etc. Don't let me talk you out of it and certainly ignore me if you've already considered these things.

Good luck with it. This should be a lot of fun to shoot.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top