Shoot me up

Hans Moleman

Hans Moleman

Carbonite Member
Okay, here's the scenario.

I'm TA'ing a film course at my highschool.

The teacher wants me to do the assignment like everyone else. Okay, no prob. I'm here to work.

The final project is basically "make a movie," but there are a buncha stipulations. One being that the script has to be a rewrite. Not for creative reasons, but because he has zero faith in our (my) writing abilities.

So I hope to prove him wrong.

I've got this script for a short I've written up. I think it works, but he might not, so my plan is to have anyone willing take a look at it and gimme feedback before I present it to the teach. He's kind of a pompus d@*che, witha communications degree from UCLA, so he thinks he's the end-all o' scree writers, (though, by his own admission, he hasn't written anything in 20 years, and has watched about 5 movies in the last decade). I just want a script refined by a thrashing from DVXUSERs to show him that I can write a workable, shootable script.

it's up
HERE

and here

lemme know what you think. Thanks.
 
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It is a good start. The script left alot of unanswered questions. From it we are to assume that Micheals actions are being malipulated . . . but why. What need does that serve. What is the motivation. Is Vick just mental? Why do Micheals actions matter. Is Vick watching him? Is the man in the subway random? Or was he targeted by Vick.
The casting agent was in on the whole thing right?

Most of these questions could be answered easily in the movie

How long is the finished piece going to be?
 
due end of march-ish, but i like to put as much time into it as possible.

the finished product has to be 5-10 minutes total. I'm not sure how to wrap all those questions so fast. suggestions?
 
From it we are to assume that Micheals actions are being malipulated . . . but why.
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The idea, to placate the teacher, was that it took the concept from the default script he wants us to rewrite. it's a twilight zone piece (hence the dark ending), where apparently these people begin to depend on this little man for the answers to their problems, to the point of total dependence. He hasn't let us see the episode yet, so in order to distance my project from the cookie-cutter ones we'll see at the end of the semester, I'm starting now using just the concept of dependence on questionable sources.
 
I read it, and I have to say I liked the beginning, starts of pretty good, got me to read the whole thing. But I didn't like the ending, its too sudden. If you really want to go for a dark ending, how about Michael getting away with the murder, nailing the audition, but killing himself because he realizes he has become a person the absolute opposite of himself. Thats dark. Also the twilight part is a bit weird and i couldnt really visualize it reading it. Another thing: Because it is still relativly early he takes the pills, I didn't really buy it. A normal guy just doesn't take some pills given to him by a complete stranger. The pills could work, but you should first somewhat fortify the relation between Michael and Vick, maybe have them meet, Vick giving Michael a great tip, and therefore Michael trusts Vick.
But thats just my opinon, do with it what you want. I'm interested in reading your final version.
Good luck,

Fredric
 
I just started reading it, and right of the bat you need to not capitalize words within sentences as you're doing, like:

"I Really think you can pull
This one out."

It's gramatically incorrect, and will appear very amateurish to your teacher. Trust me...

Just write:

"I really think you can pull
this one out."

Now I'm going to go back and read some more...
 
OK, so I don't have that much of a problem with the loose ends. This is a 5-10 minute film your not going to have time to button it all up. I agree about the pills. Maybe you could have some shots of him poping pills earlier in the film so it's established he takes drugs from questionable sources. Vic is one of those omnipotent bad guys that are not all that uncommon so I don't think anyone is going to have a huge problem with that aspect. Michael I think needs to be a bit more lap doggy. We need to believe that he would follow this guys advice and the actor desperation thing doesn't really work out side of the industry - and is a bit weak even then. So he needs to be the kind of person who is easily manipulated - really needs to please. If this were a longer film you could build up some much more subtle motivation for him but you have about 30 sec to get us to believe that he can be manipulated or you loose the audience, because almost from the git go he is being jerked around.

THe un answered questions are right in the Twilight zone formula. THey always left you with questions, often articulated by Serling in his wrap up.

Very readable, watchable if well acted and directed.
Good Luck
 
what if (and here starts the bs session) he doesnt take em immediately, but set em down, walks away, the casting agents voice in his head, then he scampers back to the pills, all mise-n-scene? does that convey his weakness better (to you) ?
 
I think the actor needs to be more desperate and it needs to be set up early in the script. Maybe it starts off with him finding an eviction notice on his door or with him on the phone begging his agent to get him work.

Maybe he's new to scene and he just can't act. He's not landing any roles and his agent tells it to him like it is and his agent lets him go. The actor is desperate to make it so he ends up in the office of some sleazy casting agent and the rest unfolds.

Or, maybe he's really Stanely all along and all of the acting stuff was made up in Stanely's head. So, really Stanely thinks he's an actor auditioning for the role of Stanely. All the agent and Vick stuff is fantasy and everytime the actor does something to get to know the character, he's really just being Stanely in the real world.

Anyway, I think the idea has some potential keep plugging away.
 
Hans Moleman said:
got Microsoft Word?
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Brings up a point. On Windows Word is a fine format. The system ships with Word Pad and that will open Word files. But this is not the case with Mac, Unix etc. So your better off posting in RTF, a format that everyone can read.
 
Alrighty, then. I've made a pretty decent revision of the script as per suggestions (one being it in RTF format now)

lemme know how they work.

SCRIPT

thankya much for the help so far.
 
Hans Moleman said:
last mac i used had Word...
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Well many do but you have to either buy it or steal it so it's not a given. Where with Windows it's a given. Not everyone wants to drop $600 on Word. I would say that PDF was the most universal format but apparently some Windows machines don't have Acrobat reader, or any thing else that will open a PDF. PDF is a given on the Mac. That's why I suggested RTF.
 
Better, I buy the pill taking now. You might want to change the part where he says he hasn't "completely" gotten the character to him still floundering. The reason is that he goes to more desperate measures and if he was making progress one would think he might not go all the way to murder.

Good luck
SK

ps I'm out communications for a couple of weeks.
 
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