Shammy Whammy (looking for feedback)

V

vroom

Well-known member
Hey all.

I'm looking for feedback on an 8 page script. I'll be shooting this short film in the next couple weeks, but I wanted to run the script past a few more eyes before then.

Let me know where and how it can be improved. (For instance, I'm not sure if David is sympathetic enough and the boss heartless enough to really justify the ending.)

If you'd be willing to take a look, here it is:

http://sio.midco.net/skyeg/shammy_whammy.pdf
 
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Hi, this is my first thought -

"BOSS
If you want my job, you gotta be an
ideas man. As for your job, I’m
going to be blunt. If you don’t
come up with a way to improve our
numbers, corporate wants you out.
This is your last chance."

You do not have to say this, actor can do this!
Next, I do not like the ending, something is missing. I would go more for surprise of what is shammy whammy (sex porno toy?).
In all - nice, but need more twist at the end; this ending is expected.
Good luck!
 
Haha, I like it, it's funny. A good parody of Sham Wow (right?). However, I do agree with the person above me that the ending was a bit expected. Maybe put in a little more of a twist at the end for one final laugh.

Also, on pg. 7 I thought the "or do I have to pump some lead into ya?" line kindof took me out of the scene and made me think of a 30's gangster flick. Could be what you were doing for comedic effect, in which case disregard this suggestion, but maybe something a little more modern would fit better.

But I definitely liked it, good luck with the shoot!
 
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